dissabte, 24 de juny de 2017

Day 35: The Point Of Change

Recently I had someone share with me his turning point in his life to stop a life of partying and drugs, something happened that made him reconsider what he was doing with his life and change.


Do we really need something happening for us to reconsider what we are doing with life - well I can reconsider what I am doing with my life at any moment. So this is an important point, to  not wait for something extraordinary to happen before we decide to change our accepted and allowed limitations and everywhere in our life where we are not responsible for ourselves.

Yesterday I was working at the restaurant and I was feeling like I was taking advantage of something, I questioned myself, why was I feeling like I was taking advantage of something? It was because I was working at a slower pace than I could, so I was putting pressure on my peers that had to do more work because of me being slower than I could go. So I decided to go all out and work as fast and efficient as possible and this feeling of me taking advantage of something went away and also at the end of the service I was congratulated by a peer for how good I had worked that night, not once but more than one time he said it to me.

So everything is about recognizing what is happening and changing, and we don't need something extraordinary happening to recognize what is here and then decide to change it.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to work at a slower pace than I can.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself by working at a slower pace than I can.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to work at the highest rate that I can.

I commit myself to work at the highest rate that I can.

I commit myself to perform at work at the highest rate that I can.


divendres, 16 de juny de 2017

Day 34: Patience



When writing a new blog I want to have the topic at the moment and I even want to be finished before I start! This is not how it goes and I have to have patience with myself with finding a topic and with writing the blog.

It is the same with R that is always asking where I go, what I do, how I am, I have to have more patience with her as I react to her when she asks.

And it is the same with studying, have patience with giving me the time to develop a skill.

It seems that having patience is giving time to things in order for them to happen smoothly.


I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to have patience when writing a blog.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give me time to write a blog.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to have patience when finding a topic to write.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give me time to find a topic to write.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to R asking me how I am or what I do.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to have patience with R when interacting with her.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give me time to interact with R so that she is assured that I am ok.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to have patience to develop the skills necessary when studying.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give me the time to develop the skills necessary to succeed at my studies.

I commit myself to have patience, to give me time to myself when writing a blog.

I commit myself to have patience with R, to give me time to interact with her.

I commit myself to have patience with myself when studying, to give me time to study.

dijous, 15 de juny de 2017

Day 33: BeLIEfs and Money


'I don't have anything to write about' That's what I wrote in my last draft of a post for this blog, so I believed I had nothing to write about, and for 15 days I have not written. It is not that I did not have something to write about, for 32 days continually since the begginning of this blog I had something to write about so it is dangerous to trust the mind with statements such as 'I don't have anything to write about', I can always write about my resistance to write.

It is interesting how it has coincided that I have had more money because I recieved the first pay of my job and now that I have almost spend it all I go back to writing. It is like I have lived a bubble of 15 days and indeed I have spent it for example on a gym subscription, education, clothes, nothing fancy but it is interesitng to see the correlation of going from having very few money to have substantially more money and how I have drifted away from my goals and what is important to me so in the future when I get money again I will make sure that I stick to what I commited myself to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have nothing to write about.

I forgive myself to believe that I don't have anything more to offer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust the mind in the statement ' I don't have anything to write about'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in a bubble of money where I don't care for my commitments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be more preoccupied with what to spend the money on than to keep my commitments going.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let money change what I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let me fall for the comfort of money and not keep my responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to validate the belief that I have nothing to write in self interest to not have to write.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to mantain my priorities even when I have more money.

I commit myself to maintain my priorities even when I have more money.

I commit myself to remind myself to push to keep my priorities going even when I have more money.

I commit myself to remind myself that beLIEfs are LIEs and that I don't have to trust them.

dimecres, 31 de maig de 2017

Day 32: Lessons From a Homeless Lady


Today I was going home from work and an old lady stopped me, she wanted me to help her get her trolley up the road as it was uphill and rough with rocks at the pavement, not cool for the trolley's wheels. I have seen her around the city, she lives in the streets and uses her trolley like a snail with all her belongings. Also I have seen her at the mental hospital when I was there commited, so I even know her name, we were there together at the same time. I have seen that she at times talk to herself but I don't know what her diagnosis is.

So I help her with the trolley up hill and she tells me to go slowly, and it is true, because the terrain is rough if I go fast I will get tired fast and also stuff could fall from the trolley.

I had two sandwitches that they gave me at work and when I mentioned freshly made sandwitches her eyes widened - I told her what they were of so she could choose the one she liked more. She told me to keep the one I liked more and to give her the other one. I left her the two sandiwches as I was going home and could eat there.

Two things: One is that people with mental health problems or anyone should not live on the streets - most likely she cannot keep a job due to her mental problems so it is not fair that she has to live on the streets because she can't work. That's why I support the Living Income Guaranteed by the Equal Life Foundation - so no one falls through the cracks of the system and ends up on the street

The other one is the lesson that this old lady taught me, that in front of difficult problems one has to move slowly and securely, like crossing a river going from stone to stone, it is better to go slowly than to go fast and slip into the water.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tend to rush in front of difficult problems, instead of walking conscientiously step by step, even if that means going slowly - but securely.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to secure what I do that is difficult by walking it slowly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated whenever I move slowly.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that moving slowly is required sometimes when what I am doing is difficult.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that sometimes moving slowly is the only way forward, because if I rush I will not accomplish the thing that I set out to do.

I commit myself to live the word patience whenever I am facing a difficult task, so that I walk it slowly and effectively.







dimarts, 30 de maig de 2017

Day 31: I Am Bipolar

Being able to say that is a blessing, because before I did know I was bipolar I was extremely unstable in that I had experiences that I could not pinpoint what they were, events where I was a bit mad, didn't know what had happened to me and it was because of being bipolar that I decompensated and I experienced things that are not real.

It is important to name the things that happen to us because otherwise we do not know if they will happen to us in the future because we don't know what they are. Now I know when I am going into decompensation, when I am going to go 'up the ladder' to hypomania and mania, the road to illusion, and I simply have to up a bit the dose of my medication and I that's it, my doctor does that for me.

I see people on the street that talk to themselves, I don't know what they have but if they are bipolar they might be in a manic episode thinking things that are not real. If they had the diagnosis that I've had they would have an easier life and not simply being labeled as 'mad'.

I found that while I was hypomanic I would be more creative but also I have found that now that I am stable I am even more creative when I put myself to create, whereas on hypomania I was more disorganized now I can create a song easily or do more paintings.

I do not miss being hypomanic, that 'creativity' because I have found creativity being stable. I don't miss the moments where I imagined I was more than I am, had more power because I realize it wasn't real.

I do not miss the moments of being on manic depression, thinking that everyone was against me, people were after me and things like that, I was terrified, now I know it is all an illusion too.

So overall, if you think you might be bipolar and you don't know, get it checked out because if you are, reconizing it and accepting it is the first step to freedom, to be stable and be able to direct your life, and forget of lows and highs and instead live stability - where you can also find creativity if you explore it.

dilluns, 29 de maig de 2017

Day 30: Laziness


The last day or two I've allowed myself to be lazy, sleeping too much. What this causes is that then I find myself at work or sleeping witch is not nice as I don't have free time.

Today at work I was not on point from the begginning, I was a bit sleepy maybe because of sleeping too much. Also during the day sleeping for more than one hour, it is too much, with 20 minutes it is enough.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be lazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I want to sleep a lot, when in fact I don't need to sleep that much.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sleep more hours than I need.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I sleep more I will be more rested which is not true for oversleeping.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that if I sleep too much I am sleepy at work as well.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to use my day for other than work or sleep.

Whenever I see that I want to oversleep, I stop and I breathe. I realize that if I oversleep I will be sleepy for more time.

I commit myself to not oversleep, as I have seen it makes me sleepy and not more rested.

Whenever I see I want to sleep durng the day I stop and I breathe. I realize I don't need to sleep during the day, but that I can rest for about 20-40 minutes maximum.

I commit myself to not rest/sleep for more than 20-40 minutes during the day.

diumenge, 28 de maig de 2017

Day 29: The Loss of my Dog

I had a dog, I liked him very much. He was a German Shepperd. One day I must have been around 8 or 9 I was at the park playing and one older grown up female was bothering me, not letting me play by the slide how I wanted, so I went home and got the dog, went to the park again and set the dog on her, I wanted to scare her because she was stronger than me but not stronger than my dog, but the dog bit her a little.

One day my dog had to be put down because he bit a young man more seriously, he was at home and this man came with a motorbike, and he jumped the man. That day I was very angry with the world, and wanted to send all to shit, like I did not care anymore - I was a little boy, but that created an impact in me.

So I was very angry with the world but in fact I was hiding that I was angry with me because I had taught the dog that it was ok to bit people when I brought him to the park to 'defend me' from the bully grown up female. Maybe it was not all that played in the equation of him bitting seriously a young man but it musth have played a big part.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with the world because Flip had to be put down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the world for my dog having to be put down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to act in spitfulness since my dog had ben taken from me - then I did not care about anything else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the world is to blame for the death of my dog.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that a lack of education of my dog was what killed him.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that it is not the world's fault that my dog was uneducated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hold on to the anger of having lost my dog, instead of letting it go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can 'hold it against the wolrd' having lost my dog, when it is in fact not so.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that in fact I was angry with me for having educated my dog that it is ok to bite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the world to not have to face the reality that I had taught my dog to bite and that it caused its death more likely.

Whenever I see I want to blame the world for the death of my dog, hold it against the world, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I played a big part in my dog biting people and that I should not blame the world for having educated my dog in the wrong way.