Thursday, January 31, 2019

Day 118: Consistency Is Key

I have noticed a steady amount of views in this blog, which is really cool! Now I have to give back by honouring those people - you - that read what I post - and I realize at the same time I am honouring myself - as equals.

I could go a day without writing but really - if I have the time - let's do a new entry and in this way support myself and possibly support others in the process.

The river flows - I can see a river from where I am writing - if I keep publishing we may end up somewhere cool. Like the rivers end at sea - if enough water is fed.

Today I would like to talk about consistency and what it means - consistency in breathing keeps me alive, consistency in eating do keep me alive as well. Everything worthwhile needs consistency. The heart beats consistently in every moment.

What is in the way of consistency for example in blogging? Mostly excuses. Excuses are the enemy of consistency. Excuses as to why I should not write today for example - any and all excuses I have put in the past, I have come to realize = Where not valid, as I have always come back to writing. So writing daily is the goal and anything I can put as an excuse is not valid.

One day I might not really have the space-time to write, but that might be one day in many many days that I really don't have the time. And for those days - I could have a blog entry saved because at days I have more than one blog that I can write so I can save up one blog for a day where I am really busy - so in this way the blog keeps updated to one entry a day.

Keep it practical - if I can write a blog I will write one - if I can't, well it is up to me to have some other saved for those occasions - and if I have nothing then I write the next day, it is not that big of a deal.

Consistent means that it is sustained over time, and I don't have to look at the future and see how much I have to write, but simply realize I have a day in front of me where I can find an allocation of time to write, only one entry, for only this day - this way I don't see it as a big task but simply one simple task that I have to accomplish in one day.

And let go of the past, if one day I have not written, not let it influence the next day, but take every day as a new day, fresh, where I don't look at the past or at the future but simply apply myself to the best of my ability to accomplish the goals that I have set for myself, that I choose to write because it supports myself and in the process might support others - which I think is magnificent and a responsibility as well.

Responsibility because all that I write is in a way what I will live so I have to choose my words carefully so that what I say is best for me and for all.

Sometimes the question of - will this blog be good enough? In relation to other blogs that I did that got a substantial amount of views - sometimes this question arise. But then I see it is not to publish for the views but share something relevant that I am dealing with or that I have realized.

I have to be consistent thus in who I am, not only consistent in writing - meaning not to change how I write because I get many views - but consistent in being true to who I really am and not try and be something different to get more views somehow.

It is like small stage-fright at moments when I see the amount of views I got and know that the next entry will get a similar amount of views. Yet I shall fear not as I should always write as if the whole existence is looking at me in a way - because always All is Known. Meaning I cannot hide and do as if my blogs are irrelevant, they are relevant for all that read them, I am responsible for how my blogs affect real people and even one person is most relevant, the same as if the whole of humanity is reading the post.


Wednesday, January 30, 2019

Day 117: What Do You Live For

'so... what do you live for? Why do you get up in the mornings?'
Take a moment to see what comes up.
When I was asked this question by my DIP Buddy - I came up with the word 'work'. But upon reflection, I saw that I have not been waking up merely for work, this last month I have been waking up earlier to write a blog - and also to walk Laika the dog.

Then the following feedback was given:
'Blogs = self
Dog = unconditionality and expression/self-expression
To be more specific: Blogs = de-programing yourself as a process to birth yourself into and as life in the physical
So, you are doing and living for more than you give yourself credit for
So, when you walk Laika, really BE PRESENT with her, bond with her, get to know her
Live purpose into these 'small' things you do, because these things are not so small afterall'

Yes, blogging is an universe in itself and walking the dog, lol yes it is an adventure and it tells me much about me - for example if I become angry because of how she behaves -- it also tells me about parenting - the other day I did a suddent movement to see how Laika would react and she was scared by it, so I learned not to try and 'scare' her with sudden movements because she really gets scared - the same with children - we are like giants for them so don't have to do sudden scary movements to watch their reaction as they will most likely react in fear, not cool. 

So I will live purpose in the things that I do because Yes, they are not so small after all.

Do you like what you see?  If you want to have a Buddy with whom you walk your Desteni I Process , check out DIP Pro at
Thanks to Kim Kline for being an awesome buddy - You can ask for her to be your buddy too.

Tuesday, January 29, 2019

Day 116: Songs With Meaning

I had the honour to be involved with Desteni before Bernard Poolman passed away and he was very active on social media, doing blogs, giving likes, sharing on Facebook, doing recordings and spreading the message.

Here are two songs that he shared on Facebook (1) or gave a like to (2) both have messages in them. Have a listen!

1) - Demons by Imagine Dragons. This one he shared on Facebook. I still listen to the song every once in a while and it reminds me that I have to work on myself.

This songs talks about demons, I would relate it to when we allow ourselves to get 'possessed' by the mind and act in ways that are abusive. In the song the guy warns that he has these Demons in him - so watch out for your own demons!

2) - You're Gonna Go Far Kid by The Offspring. This one I shared on Facebook because I found it cool and he gave a 'like' to it - original videoclip he liked Here

You have to watch the original videoclip to get the whole message. In the videoclip you can see how a supernatural force gives a gift to someone that has nothing and is struggling, but he abuses her gift for his own gain - thus the gift is removed from him along with his life, as he is returned to dust. Draw your own conclusions!

Bonus song! When I was leaving the Farm after my short one-week visit, Bernard took me to the airport and this song was playing on the radio, he simply said 'what the fuck'  - lol

Do you know any other songs he liked or reacted to? Do let me know please!

Monday, January 28, 2019

Day 115: What Can Happen in 10 Years Time

Tonight I had a dream. I could time-travel and communicate between now and 10 years prior so about when I got to know about Desteni in 2007.  And I saw I have much to say about how time passes but I have to do something with Time - otherwise things do not move.

I have seen than on a personal level not much has changed, I could have changed more in the 10 years since I got to know of Desteni. So now I draw a parallel with 2030 - what would I say to myself now so that in 2030 I don't find myself where I am at now, where 10 years have passed since I got to know of Desteni but I see I could have changed so much more?

First of all, I would tell myself, in preparation for 2030, that I have to apply myself daily - where every day I work on myself towards self-change.

And I would tell everyone that only because time passes - things don't change. We have to be the change.

Now I understand more why there is a tendency to have depression at 30, 40, 50 years of age, because we see we could have done so much more and at times we see that not much has changed - at least that is my experience, in 10 years not much has changed on a personal level - but that is because of my own doing, because of ineffective application.

What is effective application then? That would be applying the tools of Desteni on a daily basis, working on points, transcending points, building on something in my life so that when time passes, so that I accumulate along with it.

So every day I accumulate a little bit for a bigger outcome. In doing Blogs, Vlogs, DIP, and practical application.

In my dream I also dreamt that I was playing with an excavator and as I was playing I provoked an avalanche that buried an hospital.

This I see this is talking about consequence - where time passes where I entertain myself with irrelevant stuff but really what I am doing creates a consequence, in the dream is in form of deaths.

But here on Earth deaths do happen daily because of lack of basic necessities being met, famine, starvation, wars, disease and so on - these are all things we have to solve together.

So in the dream I had resistance about warning people about what was coming, because I had 'blood in my hands'.

Yes, we all had 'blood in our hands' so long as we do not address the problems here on Earth - namely uplifting the lives of all that live in poverty for example.

So instead of living in regret and inaction I choose to apply myself, make myself count towards an outcome that is best for all, and that starts with self first.

So that in 2030 I don't live in regret but am satisfied with my own application.

Sunday, January 27, 2019

Day 114: What Can I Say About Sharing Desteni 10 Years Later

Back in 2007-2008 I learned of Desteni and started to apply the tools. Back then I feared being outcasted, being rejected for sharing about Desteni. Now more than ten years have passed and I can say that:

- I have not been rejected from anywhere for supporting Desteni

- The beings that I met online mostly and some when I visited the farm, those that are still standing are a great support and are 'with me' in a way, we are walking together - so I have found who is really 'cool' and who is not in seeing who is walking their process - and I know that when they share about  their process/about points.

- All that was holding me back from sharing more in blogs and vlogs was not real - in fact if someone is not speaking to me for what I share - I am not interested in speaking to them either so to speak - because why bother with someone that wants to keep the world as it currently is along with self? That in itself is self interest and downright evil.

-  Desteni can be a filter - where if I share more about it - some people may not come into my life, where others may come that are interested in self change and world change - so all is well because who is interested in someone that is not interested in self change and world change? And I am not saying that they need to apply exactly what Desteni says, but people that are in 'growing mode' - those are the ones you want to look out for.

- I have to share my process of change - so others can see and walk with - otherwise what is so great about change if you don't let others know how to change?

- Blogging is a great way to support myself and expand myself.

-  I have seen that Vlogging is a great way to share and connect too.

- I have to give back, meaning, all the support I have received to change, I have to give back by sharing how I have do it to change, so others can do it.

- No need to fear: No one has had the temper to tell me to my face that they don't like what I do, only my mother, only to tell me later that she likes my blogs.

- You won't be marginalized for speaking up and sharing about your process - some may fear you are in a kind of cult but this is only a hate-tag and talks more about the person that is putting the tag, as it is not investigating what Desteni is all about, than it tells about Desteni.

- Summing up - I have known of Desteni for over a decade - the message is still the same, it has not let me down, it has not given up or given in - it is still standing strong - but we cannot rely on 'others' to do the work' each one should give back as he/she has recieved  - and this can be done through doing Blogs and Vlogs.


Saturday, January 26, 2019

Day 113: What Do I Really Want

What do I really want. Not what others want me to do. Not what society wants me to do - but what do I really want.

I like the whole family thing, it is great. For this one of the ways to get it is some formation. See, I have gone through many formative years yet I lack university yet.

Today I have gone to university, to have lunch with my mother there as she studies next to it. I have already started university many times so I know the teachers there. I saw two of my teachers and immediately inside of myself I went into blame - because I have not yet passed his subject - blame as if it is too difficult.

But who am I blaming really? I am blaming myself for not putting in the work in the past to do the subject properly - and to not get help if needed.

So if I want the whole family thing and I see studying at university is a way for me to make a living for myself, to make something of myself - then I choose to do it. There might be other ways, maybe university is not needed to have a family life but I would like to have a career as well as that, and a career that I like.

See, I have yet the chance to do it. I live with my brother who is studying engineering as well, he can help me out. I have available a great out-of-uni teacher who is able to help me out as well with maths.

I have seen that I was blaming my teachers for not having the life that I want but it is really me who has not created yet the life that I want.

And see I am 28, let's look at how many years one can work, up to about when you are 70, and you start working when?  When you are about 20 -- so I am in year 8 of my productive career - I have yet another 48 years to go.

If I decide to study now I might end studying when I am 32 - or decide to study two extra years and end when I would be 34 - does it matter? No. Different people do different things at different times.

I was watching the videoclip of the song Melody by James Blunt, it shows the life of a young lad that goes to highschool - it made me want it to be my son that I give the opportunity to study somewhere cool - that he gets to have a good life if not better than the one I had.

So in life it is about taking opportunities. I have a great opportunity to go to university next year and I will make the most of it.

Thank you

Thursday, January 24, 2019

Day 112: Why You Don't Want to Miss Out on EQAFE Unlimited

It's January of 2019 and I want to share with you news about something that can substantially support yourself in your process of change. It is EQAFE Unlimited. EQAFE stands for Every Question Answered for Everyone. And Unlimited stands for that - no-limits access.

Back when the interdimensional portal opened in the early 2000's there was a Youtube Channel called Desteni Productions - and this is how I got to know of Desteni - where all new interviews about every subject you can think of from the History of Mankind to interviews with beings with Earth history such as Marilyn Monroe or Kurt Cobain to name a few, to that of Aliens and Reptilians, Reincarnation and the Afterlife, and many more were uploaded daily. So much material was available. Until Youtube decided unilaterally to close the channel. It looked like the system didn't want the word to be spread - so a solution was implemented in the form of the EQAFE Store website - where you could buy recordings and in this way support yourself and the message.

When the EQAFE online store opened I did not get the point entirely - and bought a bunch of recordings, some even in chinese, to support the message - lol - I was missing the point which was to choose some interviews that you see would support you, that talk about a topic that you might be interested in or want to know more about or about an issue you are dealing with.

Now more than 10 years have passed and the EQAFE Store counts with more than 4000+ interviews.

I visited the Farm back in 2009 and saw how daily there were recordings done where you could sit and watch as the being came through the portal and shared about a point - it was fascinating to see - real-time no preparation, no script, simply on-the-moment expression of beings. I sat at Atlanteans interviews, What is Sex? Interviews and many more as every morning there would be about 4 if I remember well interviews done. So to catch up with EQAFE - You can't possibly catch up with EQAFE if you don't listen to it every day for a few hours and even then you can spend years to cover the whole library - but that's not the point. The point is to choose a topic you want to support yourself with or you want to know more about.

What is so cool about EQAFE Unlimited? Previously when you bought a product at EQAFE lets say one interview of a series, you had to download the audio and listen to it - paying the price tag - So every month I could spend a limited amount of money and listen to a limited amount of interviews. So when I was on Facebook scrolling down my feed sometimes I found  interviews shared that were interesting - new interviews that back then I couldn't sometimes afford. Realize that this way had to be implemented in order to support the message as beings at the Farm have to live, make a living otherwise the couldn't possibly spread the message, work on the recordings and do the courses such as DIP Lite, DIP Pro, Agreement Course and other projects that they work on all within the principles of doing what is Best for All.

EQAFE Unlimited has changed that into now being able to, for a modest and very reasonable monthly fee, have access to ALL interviews where you can Stream them online - no need to download them. So it is very convenient. So it is the Netflix of Existence.

Now I can have 'EQAFE walks' - where I go to walk my dog and listen to one interview or two - they are about 20-30 minutes long but it varies, and I am really enjoying and am grateful for the support. There are also books and music.

EQAFE interviews have supported me to become a more functional human being, I know how to release stress more easily, how to approach situations with other human beings better, know more about how reality works, learn about other human beings life's mistakes and what to do instead of making the same mistakes as them, in short they are Life Lessons.

Where in the world do you find that? Nowhere. And the price really for what it is, if I had a magazine of the Best Deals You Can Find Online - EQAFE Unlimited would be the best Bang for the Buck - the Best Deal, not of the year but of the History of Existence. Because you can get to know How Did We Came Here, How Come Are We Here, about Death Research, about Animals, about Money, about Reincarnation - virtually you become an empowered human being through listening to EQAFE recordings.

Food-for-thought: Any philosopher throughout history that is reasonable and wants to really KNOW and KNOW-HOW would, upon understanding what EQAFE Unimilted represents, join immediately.

No one told you before what you will learn with EQAFE, and now you have Unlimited so you don't have an excuse not to empower and Self-Perfect yourself on All levels, from relationships to how to 'satiate your curiosity about anything in existence'.

I got to meet Bernard Poolman, when I visited the farm back in 2009 for about a week  - yes it seemed short to me too - many of you didn't get the chance - but for this month only - Early Bird Catches the Worm - if you Join this month of January 2019, you get to be in a Closed Group where Never Before Released interviews - or interviews that where wiped off internet when the Desteni Productions channel was cosed about 2009 - of Bernard Poolman are published Weekly.

Bernard Poolman gives no-nonsense perspectives about everything - awesome suppoort it is like Life Talking and not many can stand his straight common sense perspectives and really is mind-shaterring in a  good way.

You also get other perks for joining this month of January 2019 as part of the launch offer.

Have a look at

Being involved with EQAFE - and now EQAFE Unlimited - has been a life-changing decision for me.

Tuesday, January 22, 2019

Day 111: I Think Therefore I Do? - Stopping Harmful Behaviours

I have seen that when I fall back on a pattern or behaviour that I want to change first I think about it, think about doing it and then I work myself up in anticipation towards the point where I end up doing the very thing that wanted to stop in the first place. So for example I think about doing A then I get excited about it and decide to do it.

The first thing that came up about it is, where is my self direction as stopping thoughts? I can get my imaginary 'tennis racket' and hit the thoughts as balls so to speak, and throw them out of my field, like saying 'hey, you don't get to play on my field' 'you are going out of here'.

Because it all starts with a thought, a thought can be a suggestion of action sometimes, where you think about doing A and then you are consumed by either excitation, desire, anticipation and everything that makes you tick about doing A.

I have a dog, just now while I was writing this previous lines she came to say hi, and it was a grounding moment for which I am thankful, and it made me realize that when I stop the thoughts about doing A for example, what I am doing is: I am getting back to reality, I decide to remain grounded and not go into the mind as illusions - because I know if I entertain the thoughts about A I am more likely going to fall and do A.

It can be A, B or C, any behaviour that I want to stop. It all starts with thoughts about A, B and C, where I work myself up into doing A, B or C.

So for instance lets say I want to stop smoking, I don't want to entertain thoughts about going to buy cigarettes, nor I want to entertain thoughts about smoking but as much as I can, I have to use my 'tennis racket' as my self directive will power to 'kick' 'throw' 'make the thought disappear' form the main field that is my mind.

Because what I allow to happen on my tennis field as my mind is what is most likely going to happen. Meaning if I entertain thoughts about let's say smoking for long enough, I am enticing myself, making my desire go higher, making me consume myself with want - all of this can be prevented by kicking off that thought off from my court that is my mind.

Once the thought is stopped, kicked off from my mind, then I have to move to do something physical like prepare myself something to eat if I am hungry, do a chore, move to do some task that I have pending - keep myself busy. Because an idle mind is dangerous. Most of the falls, most of the behaviours that I repeat that I would like to stop I do when I have days off and don't keep myself occupied. Because I let my mind wander about doing A, B or C and don't direct them when they are in thought form, then they develop as actions that I do - I become possessed by them by my own acceptance and allowance, where I could more easily stop them 'before hand' meaning 'while they are in the mind as thoughts'.

Back to basics, let's stop the seed as thought in the mind of the behaviours that we don't want to participate in, for them to not become the plant as actions. And remember to keep myself busy, because if I simply kick off or ban thoughts from my mind but keep idle, not busy, then I am giving space-time to do 'whatever' and if I don't have programmed what I will do with my time and have time to do 'whatever' then it is possible that I use that space-time to do behaviours A, B or C that I have thought about that are not supportive.

A solution then would be to carefully plan my days, specially my free days where I don't have to go to work - plan my play/entertainment time, my chores time, my tasks time - do a schedule so that I don't have time to do 'whatever' as then I am 'giving away' space-time as 'soil' that can be fertilized by 'seeds' as behaviours A, B or C that I don't want to do.

And many excuses may come in, like 'it is dull if I plan my day and have to follow a schedule' but the mind will try and find any and all excuses to get its way - which is really a test of self-will and self direction - The mind will find it dull whenever it doesn't get its way - but it is not dull per se, it is only dull because we used to feed energy to the mind, experience energy highs, whereas if I plan my day and don't have unallocated time to fall for A, B or C I am not feeding my mind and getting this energy highs, and I might feel dull - But it is because I am addicted in a way to the energy, to feeding the mind with A, B, and C.

Of course then there is work to be done about A, B, and C, where I have abdicated self-responsibility in participating in them in the past as I get energy from participating in them in separation from myself. So a practical thing to do would be to dedicate a little bit of time every day, allocate time into investigating, forgiving and letting go of the points A, B and C that may appear in my mind as behaviours that I see are not best for me and for All.  This way I am directing the points A, B and C to make sure that I don't repeat them.

With this planning, with planning my days and making sure each day I work on points A, B or C - and any other that may arise in my mind  that is not supportive of me - then I will start living and will start giving less and less power to the mind.

That is the beginning of self-direction instead of undirected mind-living that leads into harmful behaviours for self most of the time.

First stop the thoughts, then keep myself busy AND direct the points as thoughts each day a little bit - so that over time I don't get that many thoughts of A, B or C - so they start to fade away as I work with and through them to see where I have separated me from myself. Because points A, B and C are showing me where I have separated me from myself. It is not to suppress them but to simply stop them in their tracks and say 'hey Yes I notice you!, I won't act on You thought but I will work on Why and How you exist as you are showing me a part of myself I have separated me from myself'

And so as Lao Tzu said, Stop Thinking and End your Problems.

Friday, January 18, 2019

Day 110: Taking Mistakes as Opportunities

Lately I have repeated a mistake that is recurring. Now I can either bang my head against the wall and learn nothing about it or take it as an opportunity to intorspect - look at what I have done, how has it unfolded and what I can do to prevent it from happening again.

I have the perfect example in front of me as this mistake that recently happened to study it - see what made it happen and all the intricacies of it - and from here forgive and let go.

It is not the end of the world when we fall again in a point, its in fact an opportunity because you have it fresh in your mind - to work with it.

Like a pain that tells us something, falling in a point is telling us something - where we have separated us from ourselves because everything that we do, how we act - tells us something about us.

So it is to take mistakes as opportunities - only death is something we cannot get back from - so while I am breathing I decide to take everything that I experience as opportunities for self change. Because if I have fallen again in a point it means it is not solved, it is telling me that 'hey - look at me - here there is something you have not yet solved otherwise I would not exist' and thus with unsolved points we fall. It is not an excuse to repeat things, meaning not looking at a point to have the excuse to fall again - that is not valid.

So a line has to be drawn, how many times do one needs to fall in a point in order to forgive and let go to never again repeat it? I suggest it is not needed to fall back at a point in order to address it but if it has happened that we have fallen we can either become despaired or seeing the common sense that becoming despaired is an excuse and a behaviour that is not directing the point - so becoming despaired is in fact an excuse to not look at the point to be able to repeat it in the future.

Thus I commit myself to look at the points that need to be addressed to not have the excuse that I did not look at or solve the point in order to repeat it in the future.

Know thyself too, meaning if I know I have a 'weak point' I have to put extra work on it and not think it will be magically solved - if I look at the past and look at this specific issue I have, I see I have repeated it many times so I have to put extra work, and if I don't I can easily fall back on the point.

And trick myself into not doing it, the same way that I have tricked me into repeating the mistakes - like use reverse psychology - use everything that I can to not repeat the mistake.

Also remember to be gentle with myself, not be too hard on myself, not think that all is done, that I am done because I have repeated a mistake - no - all these thoughts and behaviours are in fact supporting that I repeat the mistake in the  future - the only way is as Lao Tzu put it 'Stop thinking and end your problems.'

Thursday, January 17, 2019

Day 109: Scrolling Down Time - A Social Media Story

I have noticed how much time I can spend scrolling down facebook, minute after minute it piles up into half an hour then I move into something else to entertain myself on the internet and boom my time is gone, I have not created anything substantial with my time, only spent it looking at random stuff.

In fact I/we do not need much time to get things moving, meaning for example get a blog moving, doing an assignment for DIP, it only takes an average of 20 minutes a day, maybe more - but if every little time I have I spend 'scrolling down time' nothing gets ever done.

For example today I have planned to go on a trip with our dog to the river, I have to get ready in half an hour. I could spend this time scrolling down facebook and look post after post of mostly uninteresting stuff, random stuff, because usually what's interesting is at the top of the feed and then when you go further down the random stuff starts to appear - Or I can write a blog.

It's with decisions like these that we start to direct our lives - decisions to not waste time unnecessarliy. Yes it is cool to look at facebook for about 10-15 minutes if there is interesting stuff, but most of the time there is unteresting stuff that I don't even look into or click, or simply give a like and leave it at that - when it would be far more interesting to look for a interesting post on Facebook, open it, read it and really take something from it.

It is like  we have so much to choose from when we look at social media that we or I get lost in the sea of information and never end up looking at one single post, for example open up a blog post and read through it - I would simply look at the post on Facebook for instance, give it a like, think how cool this post must be, and leave it at that.

This is a way of going through life as well, I can go looking at stuff superficially, or delve into the interesting stuff to really see and get to know it well to take something from it.

I will try a new approach with Facebook, when I go through the feed I will look for at least one post that I am interested in and read it through, not simply give it a like and that's it - no - because then I never get to recieve something from the author. It is like going through a library simply reading the titles of the books  - and maybe their description - and saying to myself 'oh how cool this must be, lets move on and keep reading books titles' - instead of picking up a book that might be interesting and reading it through.

So let's stop being lost on a sea of information, sea of decisions, where nothing ever gets done - to move into getting real quality information/material - to be able at the end of my day to say that 'today I have looked into so and so and I have taken from it this and that' - because many days I finish my day not having taken anything interesting with me and it is a shame really, with all the cool posts that go on in Facebook with the many interesting Destonian and non-Destonian friends that I have.

Wednesday, January 16, 2019

Day 108: Nobody Gives a Fuck If You Are Poor - My Supermarket Story

Yesterday although I had food at home I wanted to go out to the supermarket to get some more supplies for dinner and for the week, I did not know if my credit card would be accepted as I think I have reached some limit but I wanted to try nevertheless. Now, I am not poor, I work and have a steady income, but so happens that I am waiting for my income that will come in this week and momentarely have run out of money, for a few short days. So I was at the supermaket queue and I told the supermarket employee I did not know if my credit card was going to be accepted and that I had no cash on me, so we tried, I had about 20 euros worth of groceries and when we tried, the credit card was declined. I thought to myself I would not be ashamed if the card wouldnt go through - so I simply asked the employee to try to remove a few items and try again,  again the credit card was declined. This time I simply told the employee if he wanted me to help them put some stuff back on place, like the frozen items and refrigerated ones - and he said yes, so I put back the refrigerated food, said thank you to the guy and went home.

Now, let's analize what happens when you are poor: Nobody gives a fuck, nobody said anything or offered to help nor was a government help immediately ready to jump in when my credit card was declined - no - nothing happened, nobody gave a fuck, it was more a nuisance because food stuffs had to be put back to their place in the shelves, which I did it fast enough as there weren't many items.

Now, yesterday I was not a head of family, with kids and so on, wanting to do the weekly or monthly shopping for food because my refrigerator was empty, I simply wanted some more food as I didn't have exactly what I wanted at home although I had food. So when I came home I was able to prepare dinner for myself. But I imagine the same happening to a family with children when they have no food left and it breaks my heart. Capitalism is brutal, it does not care, it does not give a break to those that happen to not have money it simply won't give a break, the so called 'game' goes on wether you are doing fine - with money - or not - without money - and without money you are virtually screwed.

Although I said to myself I wasnt going to be ashamed, it is not pleasant to have to go through the 'I am not able to pay for my food I have to put it back' thing. As I left the store I forgot to get my shopping trolley that I had brought to put my groceries in, so I was not entirely 'calm' about the whole situation. When I got home I had to tell my brother what had happened, it is not cool, it is way better to when you go out to get food, come home with food.

Why are there security guards at the supermarket, sometimes you see them there doing nothing, well it is to descourage the desperate from getting the food that they need. So capitalism is so stupid that we give jobs such as security guards at supermarkets. It shouldn't be that way, food is a right.

When I was coming home from the supermaket I was thinking about all those that go through what I went through - so what happens when you know you can't afford to go to the supermarket? You suffer in silence at home? When you can't get food you understand what it means the word necessity. And also then why some might consider crime in order to get money. Because the system doesn't give a fuck if you don't have money, some can say 'ok you don't give a fuck about me, so I will take money from others I don't give a fuck about them either'. But the crime started in the first place from the way the system is designed. It is a crime not to have access to food. And from here, from necessity, many forms of crime stem. And if it is not crime it is compromising jobs, where one has to get low-paying jobs that are a form of modern slavery in order to get the money to get food and pay for your basic necessities.

All in all - the system is screwed, we are all screwed, we put ourselves thorugh a cruel game called capitalism in hopes that we will we the winner but when we start to lose then we realise its fundamental flaws, starting from having to pay for food - and not having food if you don't have money - think about it, if you don't have money you don't get to eat what you want.

Tuesday, January 15, 2019

Day 107: Power Misused - My Dog Story

Excuses and more excuses not to write finally have come to an end, I will regularly post here for there are no excuses to not support self with the proven tools that there are available such as blogging.

Today I want to talk about power, feeling powerful. Lately I have been wanting to get a dog and I thought about it in terms of power, wanting to have power on the other side of the leash, not seeing, realizing and understanding that I myself can be the power, no need to externalize it for example in getting a dangerous so called dangerous type of breed dog.

It does not mean that I cannot get a big dog, but to get it only to feel powerful prowling the streets is quite a joke, I mean that's not what getting a dog is for. Yes a big dog can help protect yourself or your home in case of need but no need to look for a specific feeling when getting a dog.

I remember when I was rather little about six or so we had a German Shepherd at home and I was at the playground playing and some older girls wouldn't stop bothering me, so I went home and took the dog and went to the park again, looked for the girl that was bothering me, that was older than me, and set the dog/unleashed the dog on her with the attack command that eventhough he was not trained he understood - at that moment while I was taking de dog to the park I was feeling powerful, not so much when I was setting the dog on her that I might have felt  like things were getting out of hand as the dog did bit the girl/teen and later I had trouble at home for that, but that is my story with dogs and power.

Later on the dog went on by itself to bite a young man and that was the end of the dog - meaning my parents had to put him down, and that was a big shock for me because I couldnt say my farewells, it was so sudden. So for wanting to have an ego trip I teached the dog the wrong things like it is okay to bite humans. 

So I have been looking to get another German Shepherd but I have to be careful not to externalize 'power' ouside of myself into the dog and be really careful if I get this dog because this breed is known for biting as I have seen from experience, yes, German Shepherds do not shy away from biting - if the 'right' or let's say 'wrong' mindset is on the owner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to set my German Shepherd dog to some teenage girl only because 'she was bothering me' and I was smaller than her thus apparently powerless

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to teach my dog to attack humans in my ignorance as a kid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand the extent of the consequence of setting my dog to attack other human beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misuse the potential of my dog by setting it onto another human being.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the disproportion between being bothered by someone else and being attacked by a dog - where I did not put myself in the shoes of the bully that was bothering me and instead simply went on with the 'solution' of setting the dog on her - eventhough it was hugely disporportionate and harmful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want others to care for me and protect me instead of protecting myself.

Whenever I see I want someone or something external to protect me, I stop and I breathe. I realize I have and can protect myself by myself or 'tell the authorities' such as parents or police when in need and that I don't need to take the steps of setting a dog on anyone because I feel attacked as a kid for example. And thus I commit myself to not take the law by my own hand whenver I feel attacked.

Whenever I see that I want a dog in order to feel powerful, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I don't need something external to live the word powerful as I am all that exists. Thus I commit myself to investigate ways where I can live the word powerful.