Day 170: CNS Depressants

 

Two of the medications I take make me feel sluggish, with less energy, as they are central nervous system depressants, and it translates into lack of motivation to do things, it takes more effort - Taking this medication is like a test, because there is the impulse to simply do nothing and go to sleep but yet I have to push myself to do stuff. From doing the following self-forgiveness I've realised that in fact it is a cool thing that I feel sluggish/slow as I do things step by step without rushing and thus do less mistakes - as they say, slow down to speed up.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that while on CNS depressants I can do a better job for example at studying as I am not all over the place but go step by step

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the gift in medication to test my will to do stuff

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see the gift in CNS depressants as something that slows me down to be able to focus

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand the necessity that I slow down to speed up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having motivation to do anything

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to take stimulants to counteract the depressant effect

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how effective I am on CNS Depressants

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that if I don't give up I can be very effective on CNS depressants

I commit myself to direct myself effectively even if I feel sluggish

I commit myself to remind myself that going slow is a good way to speed up

Day 169: Pill Peddler

At times I wonder if there are medications one can get high with. At times it has happened that people asked if I had this or that medication, to get high. Even myself I've tried taking a bunch of my own prescribed and once ended in the hospital with palpitations - not cool. The next time someone asks for my medication I will say it is all to stabilize and one does not get high.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play with medication

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for some high with taking extra medication

I forgive myself that I have not accepted myself that even if legal they are still drugs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that mixing alcohol with pills is very dangerous

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to  'get high on my own supply'

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to not be aware of the damage I can inflict upon others that misuse my medication

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand people can die from my medication if taken incorrectly

I commit myself to keep my medication to myself in the future

I forigive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the dangers of medication

I forigve myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that I am responsible for my medication

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to fill a void by using pills in abuse

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself that I will not always have pills to abuse as at some point they will retire them from me

I forgive myself that I have accepted allowed myself to disregard the potential harm I can do with medication administrated wrongly to myself or others

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the negative effects it has on my memory the misuse of prescription drugs.

Day 168: Impactful

I've been recieving feedback from some people that I have been in contact with during my stay in the psych ward -when I was more stable- that they like me. That in a way I've had an effect on their lives. And it is new to me. That they like me meaning I've found that they at times admire me or simply see that I can help them out, in a word, that I am useful - and this is very fulfilling. If this blogs are useful to you, even if there is only one person, and I know there must be, I will keep doing them. I have not done anything special in my life to become what I am today, but I always recommend starting where I did, with the free, Desteni I Process Lite course here.

Cheers

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how I affect others positively or negatively

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise my power

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand how much in fact I affect other people's lives

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see myself as a leader

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that I can have a positive impact on other's lives

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand the effect that my participation with other poeple can have

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear affecting others negatively

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I have many talents

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see myself as useful

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard myself as useless

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that in fact everyone impacts everyone else's lives

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand the efect that I can have in fact in other people's lives

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that my life is in fact important

I commit myself to remind myself that I am useful

I commit myself to remind myself that I can impact positively other people's lives

Day 167: Why Have I?

Why have I created bipolar within myself? When I first experienced or have it occur within myself was a time when I was attending university but not really studying - seeing how the wold was fucked up but wanting to find a way out to not have to walk the 'long solution' - then developed a manic depression. 

The main theme in my mania highs is always to change the world with a shortcut, I believe I can change the world fast when I am manic, with any sort of trick or simple doing. The world changes with self changing first so I manifested my bipolar by wanting to have a shortcut to myself and the world -- 

To not have to walk steadfast step by step solution to the problem, which would be to manifest for myself a stable life and a stable self that can direct self within the principle of doing that which is Best for All - without shortcuts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there are shortcut solutions for self and the world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there are tricks into changing the world

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to make sure that I face my points and walk them completely - instead looking for shortcuts within my mania

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that within my mania I only blow out opportunities in my life - thus is self sabotage

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that since shortcuts do not work and do not exist my mania is useless and in fact self-sabotage

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I will have to walk the long path wether I like it or not and that in fact is the only way to make progress

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest bipolar within wanting to create a shortcut to change self and the world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I will never be able to change the world while manic

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that while manic I cannot focus and am all over the place

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I can let go of the desire of being manic now that I have seen that it is useless for chaning myself and the world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have the solution to change the world even if it is only in my head

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have the power of holding the key to world change in my hands - mania - without seeing that it is only fireworks in my mind and not real

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to not see that the world does not care what I believe and that reality changes in babysteps with practicality real time self change first

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to lift the burden of wanting to change the world by becoming manic with a solution to it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to change the world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I solely carry the responsibility for changing the world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to burden myself with all the responsibility of changing the world - thus developing bipolar to be able to cope with that

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to skip responsibility for changing the world thus developing manic depression and escapism from reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that it is all about self change

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that in order for the world to change many selfs have to selfchange first

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that I am not alone in changing myself or the world - yet self-responsibility exists

I commit myself to walk slowly the solution to self and the wolrd as there are no shortcuts to that

I commit myself to unload myself from the burden of having to change the world by myself by focusing on myself first and  taking on the world when I am ready

Enjoy

Day 166: Constancy with Medication

 

                                      Crystal structure of lithium carbonate, Li₂CO₃.

My downfall this last manic phase was inconsistency with medication, I stopped Lithium believing that because I already was taking a monthly shot of antipsychotic - all would be well. Well, all was not well because I had a manic phase. What happens is that blood lithim levels fall in matter of days and can cause mania: "Lithium – When abruptly discontinued, people who have been taking lithium to stabilize moods may experience mood instability and a relapse of mania." So this blog is to correct into constancy with medication so that I don't experience relapses of mania anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist taking medication

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live the word constacy with taking my medication

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take care of myself by neglecting taking lithium

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that discontinuation of medication can be my downfall

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is healthy that I stop lithium - when it is in fact the opposite in my given situation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I will take medication all my life - when I don't know that for a fact

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I in fact need medication 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that it is best that I take medication

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I can do without medication - when it is not in fact so for the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I have to have a track record of stability before even considering reducing medication

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I cannot play with chemicals/medication in my body by stopping suddenly as I relapse in mania

I forgive myself  that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to stop taking lithium

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live the word 'patience' in regards to taking medication

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that if I don't take my medication I will very possibly have a relapse in mania

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I will have much more fun by being stable than being manic 

I commit myself to take my medication in time in full - until advised by the doctor

Day 165: Heliocentric

 
So here I find myself again after a manic phase. It's been a ride. I want to correct the fact that when I am manic I don't stick to the principles and in this case this last manic phase I had the idea in my mind that I could alter the state of the world with a few moves - lol - so like being the center of the action when in fact I am not the sun and people does not revolve around me - it is about me changing myself and in participation in a group that the world can change-

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the world revolves around me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that the world will not change because of me but with the group - myself in it included.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the idea that if I do a smart move I will change the world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand the strenght in groups

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that what I do and say affects others positively or negatively

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be a prophet

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that followers are useless - self-masters are useful instead

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have followers

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be a self leader

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be here as breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have to change someone outside of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I am some kind of saint people will follow my example

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that it is not about setting a weird high-up example but to simply walk what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that change happens in group not as an individual

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have to morph into a weird thing to attract attention for others to change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that even if I have a lot of energy - I am not the center of the universe

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that even if I feel powerful I do not have to chage 'for others' it is all about self creation

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that even if I have a following - it is irrelevant - as it was proven by Osho and his followers that 'faded away' at his death

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that supporters and co-creators are best than followers - so it is best = someone that shares a vision that is Best for All