Day 216: Learning to Act Despite 'Not Wanting to Act'

Do I not want to write this blog? I commited a long time ago to write a blog every day, by then I wanted to write a blog every day, so it is not true that I don't want to write a blog a given day, that is the lie.

So is one day I don't want to lie, I mean if one day I don't want to write -- wait, did I not say that not wanting to write is a lie? Yes, not wanting to write is a lie. The only reason I will not write one day here is if I cannot physically do it, but since I am home and I have time, I will write today.

On commitments: If I commit to something, I should question the fact that I 'don't feel like' or 'don't want to' do it. Because it is not real. The decision was already made. In any case I should question the decision, and if the answer is that the decision is valid, then I should honour it by doing the decision.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I don't want to write.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that resistance will be there where I have to change.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to learn to act despite apparently not wanting to act.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that unless I face my resistances I will not be able to accomplish my goals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that unless I support myself, no one will do it for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that now that I can write I should write because I don't know if I will be 'possessed' into not writing later on and then it will be too late.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to write.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that unless I change, I will not change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself no not see, realise and understand that I will come up with every excuse to not write.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to underestimate the power of writing.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that writing is my only cure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into resistances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that it is in the small acts, such as writing a blog a day, that change happens.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I am alone with myself and that I should not underestimate how 'bad' it can get if I don't correct myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that if I don't direct myself my mind will direct me for myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that if I 'turn on the autopilot' I will for sure not change - as I will not do that which I resist.

When and as I see that I go into resistance to writing, I stop and I breathe, I realise that I am fine if I write. I commit myself to write a blog a day.

Day 151: Back On Track

I have been a few days without internet at home and I have noticed two things, that I overslept and that I didn't write for myself self forgiveness, to the point where today I had a bit of anxiety having to face doing blogging again but here I am, once again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write self forgiveness only for the blogs and not for myself too.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to oversleep when I didn't have internet at home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in anxiety in having to retake blogging.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I don't know what to write.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am lost if I don't have internet at home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be here as breathe whenever I have to face whatever it is that I am facing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not use other ways I had to access internet to post my blogs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in laziness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not remain here as breath and direct myself effectively whenever I see I am going to participate in laziness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use sleeping as a tool to escape or try to escape my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hard on myself on 'having to do things'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to make 'perfect blogging' without seeing realizing and understanding it is only an idea, not real.