Day 41: Leon the movie

I've had this realization about the movie Leon.

I have watched the movie Leon - Spoilers Alert - and what comes out from it is this man that is almost illiterate that saves the young girl giving his life for her utilmately. What I have seen it represents and why I liked it so much is that it gives a message that it is OK to not prepare oneself to live life and so give to another the possibility to live. I don't know if I explain myself well, in the movie the man gives his life for the girl. Do I identify with they man, yes. But I choose not to. I choose to be the girl, who has all the future ahead. The girl has the chance to live because someone else has given her the opportunity. We can't always be the ones giving opportunities for others to do stuff, we have to be the ones that do the stuff. Here I can see the design of my father, whereas he gave his life for us, but he didn't give a life for himself - so I won't repeat the same mistakes. I choose to give me life, give me a life for myself. And have fun!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can't utilize my life to the best of my ability for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can't change my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belive that I don't have an opportunity in this life, and that I have to give it to someone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself by believing that I am done.

I forgive mysef that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I can create my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can only give to others the opportunity to have a life

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give myself the opportunity to create a life for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that I am this someone that has to do something in this life - not my future kids, not someone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is too late for me to create a life for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my environment pressuring me to do or not do things

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I am the directive principle of my life

Day 40: How We Condition Ourselves

For a few days I have been feeling annoyed and I didn't know why, but now I realized it is because I pledged to give money to G for his travel and now I am short of money. Before giving the money to G I thought, if I give the money to G and then I am short of money I will be pissed all month, and this is how I have been feeling lately, pissed. So we literally create our experience because in fact I don't need a lot of money to get by and because I pledged it and G relies on the money I won't withdraw my pledge, but here is to me to do the math and do the numbers porperly before giving money to others - and not program myself to be annoyed if I am short of money afterwards.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pledge money before doing the math of what I need and don't need of money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself to feel annoyed if I am short of money due to giving money to G.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that 'I will be annoyed if I am short of money' instead of doing the math to see if I will be short of money or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of being annoyed instead of preventing the situation it by practically seeing what I need of money and what not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in annoyingness instead of seeing and finding solutions to my situation.

I commit myself to let go of annoyingness as I see realize and understand I created this situation and I can already take steps to better it instead of feeling bad about it.

I commit myself to remind myself that it is not needed that I feel annoyed as it serves no practical purpose.

Day 39: Competition at Work

Yesterday there was a new companion at work. He is physically a sporty guy, good-looking and I immediately went into competition mode, like if he was going to steal my job from me - lol. The fact is that at the restaurant I work we need more hands and now that a new recruit comes, is it too good for me? I see this competition is based on fear, fear of not having a job and ultimately not having money and dying - fear of death - and  I don't want to base my interaction with A on fear so that's why I am doing this post as well, to do self forgiveness and release this competition mode.

Oh, and he also knows French, which I don't know much, only some phrases, which challenges me to learn more French. In fact I should see A as a motivation - he is fit, knows languages - to get fit myself and learn more languages, instead of seeing him as competition. He can also help out with french costumers where we don't understand eachother. I choose to see A as a support and motivation to become better instead of competition. We are not in a competition we are a team that work cooperatively. This is the same in the world, we are different and each has different qualities, it is not to compete against each other but to help each other succeed as a team.

Because at the end of the day at the restaurant we have costumers that we have to serve, and we have to do this together, better as a team than competing individuals, competing individuals don't do what's best for the team but simply act to win against others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see A as competition instead of seeing him as 'team'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself with A, instead of seeing how everyone is different physically and there is no need to judge oneself for that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge A for his appearance as a good waiter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear A will take my job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to compete against A, wanting to be better than A, in fear that if A wins I will lose my job.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I am in competition with myself - to be competent - to better myself and I am not in competition with anything or anyone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge A as too good - in fear that he is so good that will take my job.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that in the restaurant everyone that functions appropriately has a place in it, as many hands are required to make the restaurant work.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I already have a place in the restaurant and that I don't have to fight for it.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I have to do better at my job for myself, not to be better than others.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that the better my colleagues are, the best it is as we we'll do a better job at serving our costumers.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I should be grateful if A is good at the job as we will be a stronger team.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be the best at the restaurant, in competition with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deire to shine as a good waiter even if it means that I am surrounded by incompetent team mates.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want attention from my superiors and want to be 'the favourite'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I need attention from my superiors in order to keep my job.

Whenever I see I go into competition with A, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I don't have to compete but simply better myself, and that I should be grateful if I have competent team mates.

Whenever I see that I am goint into competition with A, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the better I assisst and support A to become better, the stronger our team will be, which is what matters because together we'll have a better time.

Whenever I see that I want to get attention from my superiors, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I don't need attention from my superiors to do or keep my job and that A will get more attention because he is new, and he needs more help than I do.

I commit myelf to let go of competition with A.

I commit myself to remind myself that the better A is, the better it is for the team to do a good job.

I commit myself to stop wanting to have bad colleagues in order for me to look better.

I commit myself to stop wanting to have attention from my superiors.

Day 38: Working With Detail

At work there are many things, details of being a good waiter that I am learning and that I have to apply, and many times I forget them, also because I am starting and I have to become used to it. It comes down to being observant of what needs the table at every moment. With working as a waiter I have seen that I don't have as a default a lot of attention to things, that I have to push myself to be more observant and recognize the what needs to be done at every moment. This job helps with focus and attention.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be attentive and observant of things such as what are the needs of a certain table at a given moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not remembering a need of a specific table.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I don't need a lot of memory to do this job and that I simply have to do what is here, what I see is needed at every moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see at times what is in front of my very eyes that needs to be done, such as retiring the plates from a table that is done eating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a mistake while taking the order.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not understanding well the guest while taking the order.

I commit myself to observe what is here for me to do while waiting tables.

I commit myself to trust myself when taking the order from guests.

I commit myself to trust myself while working as a waiter.

Day 37: Wanting to Avoid Conflict

At work there is a coworker that is quite loud when I do something wrong or something that she does not like how I do, and I have been avoiding her to not be embarrassed by her, so I will do some self forgiveness on this.

Update: After doing self- forgiveness I have noticed the fear of M was in fact fear of survival, fear of losing the job if M was loud about me not doing well the job and ultimately the fear was linked to fear of death as fear of not having money and dying. The solution is work the best that I can so that I don't have to fear the consequences of not working the best that I can. Simply do my best so that I can be in peace and fear free.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear M embarrasing myself if I do something wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will have a conflict with M if I do something wrong and she notices it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being ridiculed if others listen how M blurts out to me that I am doing something wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ultimately lose my job if the word is out that I don't work well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having money due to not having the job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the bosses will have a bad concept of me if M blurts out loudly that I don't work well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear M in fear to lose my job if she is loud about me doing stuff wrong.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself to do my job well when I am around M.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being fired if coworkers say I don't work well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ultimately die if don't have a job and an income.

I commit myself to do the job the best that I can.

I commit myself to remind myself that fear of M is fear of survival and that I simply have to do my best in the job and in everything I do so that I don't have to fear as I am doing the best that I can.