Day 231: The Fraud

I changed the title of the blog several times now, so I will leave it empty for now and write the blog instead. My experience is that in a way, I feel like fraud, a degree of inadequacy, because I believe I have not yet achieved, attained. Then I remember that this is a process. I am in a process, so to beat me up because I have not arrived somewhere is nonsense. What I would like is that I am able to always act in word, deed and thought as what is Best for all - it is a process. Because I see that I don't always act in word, deed and thought as what is Best for All - this is the reason I feel like a fraud. I would like my mind to be empty, I have to empty it. I would like my words to be clear, I have to make them clear, I would like to give myself direction in a way that is Best, so I have to give myself direction in a way that is Best.

I stop wanting others to do what I know I can do. I stop wanting outside change, when inner change is possible - and the only way. It is astounding how well I know - and I say it because I have observed it over the years not because I am flaunting - how well I know what to do. I know exactly what to do. The fraud would be, the fraud can only be self-fraud, where I don't do what I know that I have to do and present myself as if I have done the work. This is impossible because as long as I don't do the work  - on myself - I will be reminded daily by my day to day living that I have not changed and thus why I feel like a fraud.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that the moment that I see my own deception as so big that I cannot stand it, then I will start to walk my process effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that the bridge between where I am and where I could be will be so great that I will have no option other than to walk through the bridge.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that there is nowhere to hide from my own realisations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect myself in my process of change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose the old over the new

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose not changing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that change is a decision away

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I have to make steps, even if they are babysteps towards where I know I must go and do

I commit myself to go easy on myself yet firm, in walking what I know I can walk

I commit myself to redeem myself by knowing what I have always known I have to walk

I commit myself to step into the unknown of always acting in word, deed and thought as what is Best for All

I commit myself to not only stop the old, but create the new

I commit myself to remind myself that it is not only about not doing and becoming a saint, but about doing practically what is best for me within what is best for All

Day 190: How To Slow Down

If you can read through this maybe it is not for you, if you think you can't, this is for you.

Two things have allowed me to slow down the last few days: Starting to Read the Desteni Articles from the beggining which resulted in/led to = wanting to Understand things and people. 

You see, from reading the articles by Desteni you gain so much insight in how reality works/is changing that then you want to naturally be aware of everything going on around you, here is more:

First came the decision of 'till here no further', where I saw I needed to go and really start from the begining reading the articles by Desteni from the beggining, which I had never done, only ever reading articles here and there, big mistake as there is a saying of 'Read the damn material' - 

From there a newfound curiosity arose, of really appreciating things by Looking into them - Because I found so much cool things in the Articles by Desteni that now I am looking at reality with eyes wide open!

So for instance Before = I would scroll through facebook like a zombie, barely reading and skipping things so fast, taking them for granted As If I already knew with reading a few words what was it all about -- whereas now that I take my time wich each post really wanting to Understand where the being that posted that comes from --hell, even the adverts on Youtube Music that used to annoy me I really hear, hear the voice of the person doing the pitch and what the advert is conveying - if it is a long advert I can skip it as well, I don't have to hear Everything, this is more for the unavoidable ones.

From this, I realized that I thought I had patience but I did not. Because I could not sit and read an article, I could not sit and read a blog, maybe if I was really interested yes - but it is difficult to find gems without really digging the soil/reading through Blogs and Articles, because gifts are for the deserving lol, those that read through. I hope you found a little gem, if not let me try my best in the final sentences. 'If you are not informed you are not in form/you are not in shape and you are weak.' And you can really inform yourself by slowing down and Reading the Damn Material - or is it the other way around? lol - on Desteni.org Articles, there is a spreadsheet too keep track of what you have read and to find the articles in order or by author. Enjoy.

Day 163: De-Pression

When I sleep too much then there is a sign of onset of depression - specially if I sleep during the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sleep too much - oversleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I cannot sleep too many hours or I will start to become depressed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it's ok to oversleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that if I oversleep I might start to become depressed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I cannot evade from myself even if I oversleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that sleeping will not solve my problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for comfort in oversleeping.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to keep oversleeping to not have to face myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is ok to oversleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I am not alone.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that sleeping will not solve anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be entertained by dreams instead of doing something practical instead of sleeping.

Day 157: Restart

After a few weeks without my laptop after someone broke into our apartment and took it, here I am again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I cannot tap into my fullest potential.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that tapping into my fullest potential is a process and it requires that I put effort daily.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that I can indeed change my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I create my reality every day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want my reality to change yet do nothing for it to happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself believe I am my own limitations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how much I can change my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hard on myself as to why my reality does not change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I have to be my own cheerleader to motivate me into change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that every day is a new opportunity for self change.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that there is opportunity in every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that it is not how many times I fall but how many times I get up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I am the creator of my life.

Day 155: Easy on Myself

This is how it is: I am a bit down lately and it's okay. I see I have to be more easy on myself and with where I am at in this moment, be more accepting of reality as it is, to be able to then change it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hard on myself with where I am at at the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regard where I want to be with resentment in comparing it to where I am now, instead of using it as inspiration.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that self-change is possible, that I am possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to polarise where I am with where I want to be and have inner conflict about it instead of accepting where I am now and finding a way to go where I want to go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that where there is a will there is a way.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to accept my reality as it is, as it is exactly where I am and I have to accept that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I can change things in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that the things I don't like in my life are not unremovable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the things I want as unattaianble, instead of looking for possibilities in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my life as dim, not seeing a way out, instead of focusing on what I can do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for a way out instead of seeing, realising and understanding this is not about looking for a way out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not appreciate what I have and instead look for something more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I have a lot.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that I can appreciate more what I already have.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I can tap into my potential whenever I can, only that I cannot jump directly to the results.

Day 153: Self Improvement and Success

I have been dabbling with self-help books lately but that did not improve me, I was looking for the perfect recipe for success but that doesn't exist, success for me has been for example today when I put myself to do my DIP lesson or when I successfuly stood up from the bed and did not oversleep. So instead of looking for the perfect formula it is more seeing what I'm doing that is not benefitting me to change it for self support instead.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for the perfect formula outside of myself for success, not seeing realizing and understanding that if I am to fix my life I better start making some changes in what I am doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepeted and allowed myself to believe something outside of myself can 'fix me'.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that change means when I stop doing certain things and instead live the correction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I don't have to live by other people's rules but that I can change what I see need change of myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I can indeed identify what needs to be changed and do it instead of looking for an outside recipe for success.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself in wanting the polar opposite of what I have in desiring to have success without introspecting and self-changing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want success without even really knowing what that means or describing it for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within striving for success judge my life as a failure, when it is not the case.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand what I have going for myself already, which is quite something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put success outside of myself as something that has to be reached, when in fact it is not so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word success putting it outside of myself in comparing myself to others that apparently are successful.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I don't have to compare my life to that of others and judge mine as a failure, life is a process not a race.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate me from myself in wanting to live the word success as something out there far away that I have to attain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that every day I can have success, in every moment I breathe I can have success as I successfully lived another breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hard on myself on the topic of success, not seeing, realizing and understanding that I am only a failure if I compare myself to others and judge myself as less than.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if there are certain areas of my life I want to improve, I can do it, no need to compare to others that apparently have more success than I do.

Day 151: Back On Track

I have been a few days without internet at home and I have noticed two things, that I overslept and that I didn't write for myself self forgiveness, to the point where today I had a bit of anxiety having to face doing blogging again but here I am, once again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write self forgiveness only for the blogs and not for myself too.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to oversleep when I didn't have internet at home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in anxiety in having to retake blogging.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I don't know what to write.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am lost if I don't have internet at home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be here as breathe whenever I have to face whatever it is that I am facing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not use other ways I had to access internet to post my blogs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in laziness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not remain here as breath and direct myself effectively whenever I see I am going to participate in laziness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use sleeping as a tool to escape or try to escape my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hard on myself on 'having to do things'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to make 'perfect blogging' without seeing realizing and understanding it is only an idea, not real.

Day 150: Oversleeping

Today I did not accomplish much because I overslept.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid facing myself by sleeping.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to oversleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not face myself but instead sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I deserve to achieve more than only sleeping during the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let laziness get the better of me by sleeping much of the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that in fact oversleeping is boring.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to 'numb the pain of living' by oversleeping.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that living is a pain.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to face the things that I wanted to face today by oversleeping.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can hide in sleeping.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide by sleeping.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise I cannot hide from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I cannot wake up early in the morning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not direct myself to stand up when I wake up in the morning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I can't hear the alarm clock.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is impossible for me to wake up early with the medication that I take.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put excuses to not wake and stand up in the morning such as medication.

Day 146: The Time is Always Right

The time is always right to become better, more, become someone I would want to be.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that the time is always right to become better, to better myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that everything is possible.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to use my time to better myself as much as I could.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that all time is right when I have free time -- to better myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I am always on the right moment to better myself whenever I have time.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to believe in myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I can do much more by changing the mindset from 'having time' for things to 'making time' for thingsl

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see the potential I have in every moment to support myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I depend on me solely to do what I decide to do.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I can make time for everything I want to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put excuses to not do what I decide to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to decide to do stuff and then not do it as much as I commited myself to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'collapse' and do nothing whenever I have many things that I decided to do to get done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand the practicality of doing one thing at a time, one breath at a time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I can manage time effectively.

Day 143: Fuck Off - But Not Really

Fuck off, if you don't want to change the world. Or maybe you need to not want to change the world in order to change it? Let me explain. We go through phases in our lives, sometimes we do not feel confident enough that we can change the world but first need to prove to ourselves that we can change ourselves. So do not fuck off if you really do not feel you can change the world, but know this, you can start with changing yourself - and then change the world through your example of change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that unless I change myself there is slim possibility that I change the world or that the world changes or who knows, maybe the world changes even if I don't change - but know this - none is free until All are Free - so I have to make sure everyone is free before I can be free.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that none are free until All are free.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I might want to change the world but there might be people that are not yet there and maybe never will.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that I have to understand them that don't want to change the world, but who can change the world? We can only start with ourselves.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that in order to change the world I have to first change myself. Or is it?

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I don't really know what it takes to change the world, but that I will not wait for anything, not even 'have changed myself' to do ALL that I can to change the world - if it is starting with myself I will do so, but  maybe I can do something else along the line.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that I can do much more than I know I can to change the world.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that maybe I cannot do much more but I can do a bit more to change the world.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take it easy on myself - but only as easy as I know I cannot do more - but then I expand myself to be able to do more.

Day 142: Incredible People All Around You

There is incredible people all around you: Everyone. From everyone, and I should put that in capital letters but I do not want to shout, Everyone. You can learn from even those that try to manipulate you because ultimately it is you that allow them to manipulate you if they do - so then you know for example that you had an open door for manipulators - and so you close it, to never again allow yourself to allow yourself to be manipulated. Nothing ever is done TO YOU you allow it to happen to you -- I won't go into the extreme of if you are raped, no, if you are raped probably it wasn't because you allowed it, such things do exist, but everyday things that are not of such violence, you allow them to happen to you.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise I have teachers all around me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I can learn from everybody.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I cannot judge anyone based on the past, because they were That in the past, but I don't know if they are this Here now.

So I cannot judge myself as lazy only because I was lazy in the past, no, in every moment I decide who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as lazy because I was lazy in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that who I am is not who I was in the past.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I am who I decide I am in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I can correct and change in a single moment, and that I don't need the past to define me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I am not defined by the past.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I am not a procrastinator only because I ever procrastinated - but that I needed to procrastinate myself to see what I do not want to ever do again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate in the past.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I can decide in every moment to never again procrastinate.

Such is the power of change - Everyone can change in a single moment. We make mistakes to learn from ourselves - and then we change to our best version of ourselves. That is the ultimate lesson. And there might be more. I don't know everything but that I know.

Day 135: Putting Myself First

Today I am satisfied about myself because I have directed things that needed direction in order to put myself first, taking care of getting my driving license, directing also the situation at home where I have had to say to someone that could no longer live at our place, which is not an easy thing to do.

It is important to put self first because if I do not support myself, I cannot rely on someone else to do the caring for me - it doesn't work that way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not put myself first.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the practicality of putting myself first.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that first I have to 'save myself' before I can even think of 'saving someone else' if that is even possible.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that I do not have to apologise for putting myself first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am bad for putting myself first.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that ultimately if I put myself first I will be more empowered thus be able to help others.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that in fact putting myslef first is not egotistic but necessary in order to be able to help others.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that it is not being a 'bad person' putting self first, but something necessary to be able to be empowered to help others.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that unless I empower myself first I wont be able to ever help anyone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to help others before I have even helped myself.

Day 134: The Saviour Complex

It's been already two times in this month that I have housed homeless people at my place, and the first time it didn't work because the person was mentally ill and the second one it is someone that is not really trying to get out of it meaning actively looking for work for example, so I will have to let this second individual go too. But the question is what is the starting point of helping people in this way?

If I look inside myself it is because I would want for someone to do this to me too if I ever need it, I hope that if I help someone this someone will at some point in the future help me out too. But this is not doing things unconditionally, meaning if I do help an individual I should not expect anything in return. And looking at my situation currently I am not in the position to be able to 'rescue' anyone as I barely am surviving myself.

Enough is enough.

I see that I have done this in fear that myself I will be in a bad position in the future, instead of preparing myself for the future I try to help someone else in hope that they or someone else will help me if I am in this bad position, this because next year I will be studying and working and I don't know if I will be able to do both, so maybe I end up having to leave my job for the studies and then I would have a gap where I might have less money -- but the solution is not 'saving' anyone but making sure that I have my future well prepared, so starting with putting myself first.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to put myself first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to help others in the hope that they will help me in the future, instead of making sure my future is solid, well prepared for myself by myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will have housing issues in the future and instead of making sure I will not have them, want to help others so other will help me in the future, wich does not add up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have fear of the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have fear of the future instead of preparing myself for the future.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I have to prepare my own future and no one will be there to save my ass, not even if I 'saved someone else's ass' apparently.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that helping out someone that does not help themselves is not really helping them but supporting their self dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I help someone else now someone else will help me in the future, which is simply not true.

I commit myself to strenghten myself so that I don't need help in the future.

I commit myself to put myself first.

I commit myself to support myself so that I am able to support myself at all times.

Day 133: Taking care of things

Recently I had to take care of something where I had to take various steps in order to start to solve it. Had I not taken these steps I would have been anxious but because I did all I could to solve the problem, and now I only had to wait, I was very calm within it all.

And this point of calmness is interesting, because it is within directing points, taking care of things than one can sit back and for a moment access this calmness in knowing that 'I have done all that I could to solve this problem'. And this is what I see is cool about taking care of things/directing problems, that if I do it then I can be calm and relaxed because there is nothing more I can do but keep doing what is needed to be done for the problem to be solved.

And this goes with all in life, when facing a problem I can either despair about it or take the steps necessary to solve it - thus accessing this calmness or peace.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to direct all my problems into resolutions so that I can live in calmness.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that indeed the solution is 'stop thinking and end your problems' as stated by Lao Tzu.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I can indeed live in calmness by directing all and every problem I face.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I can direct all the inner and outer problems the same.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give myself the opportunity to live calmness by directing my problems.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to end my problems so that I can live in calmness and also direct the outer problems as the world problems as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I am indeed capable of stopping all that bothers me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that if anything is bothering me it means it only requires direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose to not direct my problems thus allowing myself to live in anxiety instead of calmness.

Day 132: Going back to basics

I have not directed myself to write as of late and I am changing this from today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simply not write blogs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the days pass without writing a blog.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in into not writing blogs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not write despite having the time to do so.


At work they are trying that I accept bad conditions and I will not, I will stand up for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear repercussions from not accepting bad conditions at work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not be able to keep the job if I stand up for myself and my rights.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that if the job I am currently working at will not give me my basic rights, I don't want to have anything to do with them as I will be better off somewhere else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to stand up for my rights.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the fear of not having a job interfere with me voicing myself.

Fear of the future

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not be able to provide for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I am able to do so much even if I don't realise it.

Day 129: Don't Feed the Demons

Recently I saw the Netflix show by Derren Brown called 'The Push' - it is an experiment to see whether peer pressure can take someone to push someone else to his death.

I will not spoil the end to you but I will only comment on this: For bigger things to be able to develop, first the devil is in the details, in acceptances and allowances. Where we start to give 'terrain' to certain behaviours that then can become bigger.

With this I can see how addictions can get out of hand and it all starts with little indulgences and 'it's not so important if now I do this' kind of reasoning. Yes it is important, all we do is important and what we accept and allow in small-scale can develop into full blown size. So it is best to not plant the seed of whatever it is we don't want to deal with the 'plant' of.

This as a reminder to not give in to little actions as addictions, to not give space to them so they don't develop later into more complicated addictions. And forgive myself if I ever fall into little 'acceptances and allowances' - so they don't go further than that. Because if I don't I might go in my mind, 'well, now that I have done this I might as well do that' with that being a bigger more problematic addiction thing. Not worth it. Best to stop it all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a sip of wine without being here reminding myself that I had decided I would not participate in alcohol anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that what I do in small scale I accept and allow myself to do it in larger scale as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take alcohol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I need alcohol in order to socialize.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I will not be able to remember that I have already stopped alcohol whenever I am presented with the opportunity to take it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being labeled as boring for not taking alcohol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that boring is being drunk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I can do many things other than being drunk.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that the time I would spend going out and getting drunk I can instead use to support myself and my projects.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that being drunk is a waste of time and a waste of Life.

I commit myself to utilize the time and resources I would use to go out and get drunk to instead support myself and my projects.

I commit myself to remind myself that I don't take alcohol.

I commit myself to utilize the resources as money that I would use to party to instead invest in myself and my projects.

I commit myself to remind myself that it is best for me to not use alcohol and instead use the resources that I would put into that to support myself instead.

Day 126: Imagine You Have Nothing

Imagine you have nothing? Who will you be? What will you do? Tonight, walking home from a night out I imagined I have no home, nowhere to return and then I started to apply self forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to value myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that all I have I will have forever

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am more or less depending on what I 'apparently own'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value myself as little since I see that I don't have much - in relation to rich people.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that my self-value is independent of what I have and possess

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to value myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value myself according to what I own

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see there is no point in valuing myself in relation to what I own, as what I own here I cannot take to the here after

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am inferior because I am not rich

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to value myself for who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I am valuable regardless of what I own

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to value who I am

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that who I am is valuable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value myself according to what I do

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I am not what I do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to attain something in order to be valuable

Whenever I see that I believe I need something external to me in order to be valuable, I stop and I breathe. I realize I am valuable for who I am alone. Thus I commit myself to remind myself that I am valuable for who I am

Whenever I see that I value myself with regards to what 'I own' as material things, I stop and I breathe. I realize what is material will no longer be at one point. Thus I commit myself to remind myself that what matters is Who I Am not what I own

Whenever I see that I value myself with regards to what I do, I stop and I breathe. I realize it is not what I do but who I am in what I do. Thus I commit myself to remind myself it is not what I do that matters but who I am within what I do

Day 123: Great Balls Of FIre

New dream. This time I was trying to fly up to the sky but couldn't and was talking to people about it - kinda like arguing for my limitations - while this was happening I was entertaining myself with relationships and addiction-related stuff when suddenly I realize: I am standing of top of a huge gasoline tank! And it is going to explode! I start flying up towards the sky with high speed and when I am a bit off from the tank it explodes creating huge balls of fire that approach me as I go flying away and they almost burn my feet.

I realize this dream has to do with how I live life and about life on Earth, where we have a massive problem and I entertain myself with random stuff but really I have a problem to deal with that is going to cause problems - and I can move faster 'as in flying up' only that I don't do because I argue for my own limitations and am entertained with petty stuff. But really am capable of moving much faster. Or that I only move when 'shit hits the fan'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I don't have to believe I am my current limitations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for external 'shit to happen' before I move myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to move myself within the realization that it is needed - without having to have 'shit hitting the fan' for me to move myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to apply myself within self-movement and instead wait for things to happen externally for me to move.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how much I could do more if I apply myself in every moment and don't allow myself to be distracted with random stuff.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to argue for my own limitations - instead of working to overcome them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put my own limitations as an excuse to not stand up and change.

Whenever I see that I believe I am my own limitations, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am not my own limitations. Thus I commit myself to work on overcoming my own limitations.

Whenever I see that I wait for external things to 'move me' - I stop and I breathe. I realize I can move myself without the need so something spearing me. Thus I commit myself to move myself in every moment so that I live self-movement.

Whenever I see that I get distracted with random stuff, I stop and I breathe. I realise I have to focus on what is important. Thus I commit myself to focus on what is important and disregard random stuff - that is not supportive stuff.

Whenever I see that I argue for my own limitations, I stop and I breathe. I realise I can find a solution for every problem that I have. Thus I commit myself to find a solution for every problem I face instead of 'arguing' for my own limitations.

Whenever I see that I put my own limitations as an excuse not to change and stand up for myself, I stop and I breathe. I realise everyone has limitations and it is up to each one to overcome them - and there is no excuse to not do that - Thus I commit myself to acknowledge my limitation and work towards solving it instead of using it as an excuse not to change and stand up for myself.

Day 122: I'm Not A People Pleaser

A people pleaser is someone that when you ask them, how are you? No matter what they will say 'ok' lol I have seen myself doing it in the past - Also wanting to avoid conflict with people and wanting to have them 'happy about me' all the time. So it is about time to stop this nonsense and get real - meaning - If I am not that well, to say it, and to not want to avoid conflict because for example I had my ear pierced, there might be some conflict possibly but in reality I should not change and not have my ear pierced just to please my employer -- as long as I don't have it at work it is fine - it is non of his business what I do in my personal life. And it makes me abit angry having been a people pleaser because when I do that I go against myself and what I really want to do and about how I really feel.

Some points have arisen since having my ear pierced - such as fear of being thrown out from my job - which is unlikely and it is merely a fear and it is irrational. And the people-pleaser point.

I have gone to the doctor today - the psychiatrist - and she says I am a bit on the upper part, meaning a bit hypomaniac - which I do not agree entirely but she insists. I do not agree with her because I do not have the signs that usually appear for me with hypomania which are: Less sleep, maybe being irritable, wanting to talk too much, having more energy to do projects, being too artistic -- I have none of those yet she insists lol. She says it is maybe because we do not know eachother that well yet.

The doctor asked me if I had done the ear piercing in 'normal conditions' which is non-hypomaniac - and I said I don't know but that I was very calm when going to do it. At the end she said to keep a high dose of antipsychotic but lower it if I have adverse effects such as if I tend to sleep too much.

So this point of being a people pleaser comes up a bit here, because if I take the extra medication 'just to please her' I am not doing myself any favour -- So I will keep the medication as it is and not take extra just because she 'seemingly sees something' that I don't see - nor my immediate enviroment sees - I will not take the extra medication only to please her. In the past I did take extra and it made me sleepy so I am not entirely refusing to take it and I am following her advise - that I can continue with the medication as it is if it gives me adverse effects - so I will keep it as it is.

Tomorrow I will talk to my employer about going back to uni and I don't know how he will react as I had left it for work this year and he does not expect that I go back but it is for my best interest that I go back. So I will stand by my decision no matter what his reaction is.

I see in myself the point of wanting to please others namely my employer and the fear of conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being thrown out from my job for having my ear pierced.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having conflict at work for having pierced my ear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having a job if I lose the job I have currently

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being hypomaniac and not knowing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting poorer conditions at work as a punishment for having pierced my ear.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to remind myself of the word Stand - Where I have to stand up for myself no matter what.

Whenever I see I fear being 'trown off' my work place for having had my ear pierced, I stop and I breathe. I realize this fear is irrational and I don't have to give importance to it.
Thus I commit myself to not give importance to my piercing in relation to my workplace.

Whenever I see that I fear having poorer conditions at work for having had my ear pierced, I stop and I breathe. I realise it is up to me to accept or not accept anything in this world/my workplace - thus I commit myself to not accept anything less than what I see is acceptable in my workplace.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my employer reacting negatively to me going back to uni.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my employer being 'angry' at me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be a 'people pleaser' in wanting to have my employer happy about me at all times.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise or understand that I cannot possibly have all people happy about me all the time - that is impossible.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear conflict.

Whenever I see that I fear conflict, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize and understand that conflict will arise many times in my lifetime and that I have to learn how to deal with it. Thus I commit myself to deal with anything as conflict that may come up - instead of preocuppying myself about it in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I am capable of dealing with conflict - and it is not something that I cannot deal with - So I commit myself to remind myself that I am capable of dealing with conflict, in my workplace and elsewhere.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to please my doctor in taking extra medication when deep down I know I don't need it as I don't have any signs nor anyone else in my envoronment sees any signs that I am hypomaniac currently.

Whenever I see that I want to please others such as my doctor or my employer, I stop and I breathe. I realise I don't have to do anything to please others, it is not my job. I commit myself to whenever I see I want to act in ways that go against me in order to please others, stop, breathe and change.

Day 120: Source is Giving her All

Another night, another dream. This time I will save the details for myself - but the general line of the dream was, I was having an awesome dream involving flying and planes - really fun, like a treat-dream -- and I got to know that someone was creating these dreams I am having, they are designed by someone - so I went to meet this someone - it was not easy to find but finally found her - a female - and told her I would like to create a dream for others as well, I said 'about a friendly forest or frequencies, with colours and sound' something cool but really I did not know what to create frankly --

Suddenly I see that she is not standing but in a foetal position, she was almost dying waiting for me she said - and I told her 'in my defence' that as of late I have been behaving well, not giving into addictions and so on - but she did not see it as that great of an achievement, after all she was dying because I was delaying so much time to meet her. I saw in her a Dedication, an iron-clad Strength and Resolve to get what needs to be done done - unlike any other.

In this dream I think I met a representation of Life itself - pure - that does whatever it takes for Individuals to wake up and change.

I realise I have to have the same resolve in application meaning: To do Whatever it Takes, apply myself to the fullest in my application to change myself and this system we live in - after all Life on this planet is dying.

It may sound far-fetched but I have seen how really, I cannot simply stop what I don't like about myself but have to start growing what I do like about myself and my life.

Life is about creation not suppression. For example not giving into addictions is great - but one cannot stop there. If the possibility to push myself is here I have to push myself - to a point - to do more.

It is not to now push too hard to the point that I crash - no - it is simply to remind myself to use the moments where I can do more, to do more, simple as that.

It will arrive the moment when we can design awesome stuff, entertain ourselves about creating magical stuff like dreams maybe who knows - 'design your own dream and share it with others' - That would be interesting and I would like to do it as well. But now is not the moment. In my dream I didn't really know what to create exactly as a dream for others, I had what seemed to me vague ideas not concrete or practical.

If the dreams I am having as of late have been designed by someone they are doing an awesome job because the last three dreams I had have helped me to see that I can do much more and have to do much more with my life, that death is not the answer, but Life.

And finally today when I find within my dreams who is creating my dreams - I see someone that is dying but has a resolve and a drive to the point of not caring for it's own integrity - meaning that does not fear death - but pushes the points to a solution no matter what it takes, even its own integrity -- That's what I saw in my dream.

And that is what I am willing to do as well, give up this one life that I could spend in hedonism or thrill-seeking as I see it leads nowhere - give it up for a life dedicated to honouring Life in all forms.

No one is interested in having a 'nice moment' while the 'world is burning' - in reference to the 'fun' dreams.
It would mean I am like Nero singing while Rome burns - Instead I choose to be like Neo that questions the system to a point where he can change it. That R in the middle 'neRo' needs to be removed - exactly my first initial, Ruben - so I have to remove my old self and be born again into the physical just like the Matrix movie where Neo is unplugged from the machine and has to learn again to move his real body.

This does not mean I cannot live a fulfilling life, with nice moments and with people that I care about - no - it simply means that while I live my life I make sure I am taking care of All life.

Stay put, we are in for a journey, if my dream is true someone is designing our dreams and needs our help: Life itself. Does not sound far-fetched to me seeing how the world currently exists - or do you expect Life to be waiting for our own demise? No.