Day 231: The Fraud

I changed the title of the blog several times now, so I will leave it empty for now and write the blog instead. My experience is that in a way, I feel like fraud, a degree of inadequacy, because I believe I have not yet achieved, attained. Then I remember that this is a process. I am in a process, so to beat me up because I have not arrived somewhere is nonsense. What I would like is that I am able to always act in word, deed and thought as what is Best for all - it is a process. Because I see that I don't always act in word, deed and thought as what is Best for All - this is the reason I feel like a fraud. I would like my mind to be empty, I have to empty it. I would like my words to be clear, I have to make them clear, I would like to give myself direction in a way that is Best, so I have to give myself direction in a way that is Best.

I stop wanting others to do what I know I can do. I stop wanting outside change, when inner change is possible - and the only way. It is astounding how well I know - and I say it because I have observed it over the years not because I am flaunting - how well I know what to do. I know exactly what to do. The fraud would be, the fraud can only be self-fraud, where I don't do what I know that I have to do and present myself as if I have done the work. This is impossible because as long as I don't do the work  - on myself - I will be reminded daily by my day to day living that I have not changed and thus why I feel like a fraud.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that the moment that I see my own deception as so big that I cannot stand it, then I will start to walk my process effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that the bridge between where I am and where I could be will be so great that I will have no option other than to walk through the bridge.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that there is nowhere to hide from my own realisations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect myself in my process of change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose the old over the new

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose not changing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that change is a decision away

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I have to make steps, even if they are babysteps towards where I know I must go and do

I commit myself to go easy on myself yet firm, in walking what I know I can walk

I commit myself to redeem myself by knowing what I have always known I have to walk

I commit myself to step into the unknown of always acting in word, deed and thought as what is Best for All

I commit myself to not only stop the old, but create the new

I commit myself to remind myself that it is not only about not doing and becoming a saint, but about doing practically what is best for me within what is best for All