Day 134: The Saviour Complex

It's been already two times in this month that I have housed homeless people at my place, and the first time it didn't work because the person was mentally ill and the second one it is someone that is not really trying to get out of it meaning actively looking for work for example, so I will have to let this second individual go too. But the question is what is the starting point of helping people in this way?

If I look inside myself it is because I would want for someone to do this to me too if I ever need it, I hope that if I help someone this someone will at some point in the future help me out too. But this is not doing things unconditionally, meaning if I do help an individual I should not expect anything in return. And looking at my situation currently I am not in the position to be able to 'rescue' anyone as I barely am surviving myself.

Enough is enough.

I see that I have done this in fear that myself I will be in a bad position in the future, instead of preparing myself for the future I try to help someone else in hope that they or someone else will help me if I am in this bad position, this because next year I will be studying and working and I don't know if I will be able to do both, so maybe I end up having to leave my job for the studies and then I would have a gap where I might have less money -- but the solution is not 'saving' anyone but making sure that I have my future well prepared, so starting with putting myself first.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to put myself first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to help others in the hope that they will help me in the future, instead of making sure my future is solid, well prepared for myself by myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will have housing issues in the future and instead of making sure I will not have them, want to help others so other will help me in the future, wich does not add up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have fear of the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have fear of the future instead of preparing myself for the future.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I have to prepare my own future and no one will be there to save my ass, not even if I 'saved someone else's ass' apparently.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that helping out someone that does not help themselves is not really helping them but supporting their self dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I help someone else now someone else will help me in the future, which is simply not true.

I commit myself to strenghten myself so that I don't need help in the future.

I commit myself to put myself first.

I commit myself to support myself so that I am able to support myself at all times.