Monday, February 4, 2019
Day 122: I'm Not A People Pleaser
A people pleaser is someone that when you ask them, how are you? No matter what they will say 'ok' lol I have seen myself doing it in the past - Also wanting to avoid conflict with people and wanting to have them 'happy about me' all the time. So it is about time to stop this nonsense and get real - meaning - If I am not that well, to say it, and to not want to avoid conflict because for example I had my ear pierced, there might be some conflict possibly but in reality I should not change and not have my ear pierced just to please my employer -- as long as I don't have it at work it is fine - it is non of his business what I do in my personal life. And it makes me abit angry having been a people pleaser because when I do that I go against myself and what I really want to do and about how I really feel.
Some points have arisen since having my ear pierced - such as fear of being thrown out from my job - which is unlikely and it is merely a fear and it is irrational. And the people-pleaser point.
I have gone to the doctor today - the psychiatrist - and she says I am a bit on the upper part, meaning a bit hypomaniac - which I do not agree entirely but she insists. I do not agree with her because I do not have the signs that usually appear for me with hypomania which are: Less sleep, maybe being irritable, wanting to talk too much, having more energy to do projects, being too artistic -- I have none of those yet she insists lol. She says it is maybe because we do not know eachother that well yet.
The doctor asked me if I had done the ear piercing in 'normal conditions' which is non-hypomaniac - and I said I don't know but that I was very calm when going to do it. At the end she said to keep a high dose of antipsychotic but lower it if I have adverse effects such as if I tend to sleep too much.
So this point of being a people pleaser comes up a bit here, because if I take the extra medication 'just to please her' I am not doing myself any favour -- So I will keep the medication as it is and not take extra just because she 'seemingly sees something' that I don't see - nor my immediate enviroment sees - I will not take the extra medication only to please her. In the past I did take extra and it made me sleepy so I am not entirely refusing to take it and I am following her advise - that I can continue with the medication as it is if it gives me adverse effects - so I will keep it as it is.
Tomorrow I will talk to my employer about going back to uni and I don't know how he will react as I had left it for work this year and he does not expect that I go back but it is for my best interest that I go back. So I will stand by my decision no matter what his reaction is.
I see in myself the point of wanting to please others namely my employer and the fear of conflict.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being thrown out from my job for having my ear pierced.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having conflict at work for having pierced my ear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having a job if I lose the job I have currently
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being hypomaniac and not knowing it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting poorer conditions at work as a punishment for having pierced my ear.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to remind myself of the word Stand - Where I have to stand up for myself no matter what.
Whenever I see I fear being 'trown off' my work place for having had my ear pierced, I stop and I breathe. I realize this fear is irrational and I don't have to give importance to it.
Thus I commit myself to not give importance to my piercing in relation to my workplace.
Whenever I see that I fear having poorer conditions at work for having had my ear pierced, I stop and I breathe. I realise it is up to me to accept or not accept anything in this world/my workplace - thus I commit myself to not accept anything less than what I see is acceptable in my workplace.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my employer reacting negatively to me going back to uni.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my employer being 'angry' at me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be a 'people pleaser' in wanting to have my employer happy about me at all times.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise or understand that I cannot possibly have all people happy about me all the time - that is impossible.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear conflict.
Whenever I see that I fear conflict, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize and understand that conflict will arise many times in my lifetime and that I have to learn how to deal with it. Thus I commit myself to deal with anything as conflict that may come up - instead of preocuppying myself about it in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I am capable of dealing with conflict - and it is not something that I cannot deal with - So I commit myself to remind myself that I am capable of dealing with conflict, in my workplace and elsewhere.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to please my doctor in taking extra medication when deep down I know I don't need it as I don't have any signs nor anyone else in my envoronment sees any signs that I am hypomaniac currently.
Whenever I see that I want to please others such as my doctor or my employer, I stop and I breathe. I realise I don't have to do anything to please others, it is not my job. I commit myself to whenever I see I want to act in ways that go against me in order to please others, stop, breathe and change.