Day 235: Money and Impassibility

When there is no money in the pockets, no food on the table, then we cry out at how this world is so unjust, while when we have more than enough money, there is the risk of slipping into impassibility, not caring so much as if the problems we are facing as humanity don't go with us, do not concern us. Right? Wrong. When the bubble of money is bursted then we will live with the weight of knowing we did not do all that we could to change the position of those without money in this world, while we still could - or we will join them -- our choice. Either we erradicate poverty or end up with the poor incapable of making the change - no one guarantees the shield that is money at the moment, and when it is gone, it is too late as in when you are homeless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand the risk of 'not caring' because I have money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I have to do all that I can to put into place systems so that everyone is supported so that I am supported too through every situation equally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that it is very easy to end up homeless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I am one and equal to those that suffer here on earth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I have to invest in myself so that I am my best self so that I can have an effect on my reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I have money I can turn a blind eye to the problem that is not having money in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I am all that exists in this world, and that I am the homeless as well - as in any moment the tables can turn and I can end up homeless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to turn a blind eye on the world when I have comfort due to having money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give up on everything but yet want to retain the control of money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to not care about anything, yet make sure I have money.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that the game of money of winners and losers costs almost uncountable lives every day, and should be fixed as it is a rigged game as well.

I commit myself to remind myself that having money is not to turn a blind eye to the problems of the world but to be able to work on solutions.

Day 152: The Night I Met A Billionaire

The potential of a blank document is that you can put whatever on it, I am faced with this blank space now that I am writing this blog and everyday that I put myself to write one. This is the potential of my life as well, of my future, where I fill the the blank space of the future with what I do in the present. True change comes from within. And I see all of the days that I have blogged, I have mantained a kind of consistency that is cool. And although it may seem I am all over the place it might be because I hadn't set a goal for this blog, what comes comes. Such is life, where one day I met a so called billionaire and the next I was in the psychiatric hospital - my dreams shattered, I have to rely on myself there is no saviour coming. The future with my billionaire friend seemed bright but it was only a late night party pal with drunken void promises it seems for all accounts. So it seems that figuring out my future is still something I am doing and it is exciting and frightening at the same time.

More on the billionaire: He told me how he 'hated' everybody else, people don't really give a fuck about you when you don't have money and I have tested this for myself, they simply won't give a fuck - so once you solve the money problem why should you give a fuck about them? Well we can talk about solving the problem on a country scale with basic income but at the individual level you can't give a fuck because if you were in the same position let's say you are poor, no one will give a fuck. So no one will give a fuck about me and I better find my own way to success because it is something you do - not given.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have my future solved by a billionaire.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to rely on myself for self-change and success.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of my future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want others to give me my future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I create my own future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that there is no such thing as free money for now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have free money given to me instead of me giving it to myself through my own endeavours.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build dreams from what was said to me by a so called billionaire.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that for practical purposes, I am on my own.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to own up to the realization that I am for practical purposes regarding money, on my own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that there is no such thing as free money for now.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that there is no saviour coming to rescue me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be bummed out because the billionaire did not rescue me to have a cool life

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I can create a cool life for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want nice things given to me instead of me giving them to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make dreams from what was said to me by a so called billionaire instead of remaining here as breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I cannot build whatever the dream is for myself.

Day 137: Value in Self-Support

When I get paid, suddenly I become more directive, is that so? For example, at work I do whatever it needs to be done but then when I am at home and decide to do something for myself all kinds of excuses open up and/or I allow myself to procrastinate. If I got paid for blogging, for studying, for supporting myself with Desteni I Process - would it be different then? 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become brainwashed to only act if I am getting paid in money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to behave differently whether what I am getting paid for what I am doing.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the value of the things I do outside of work - thus not putting in the work needed to get it done.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to value what I do outside of work for what it is.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see value in self-support.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that self-support is valuable, even maybe more than regular money-earning work.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to act consistently even when I am not getting paid in money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value more money than self-support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see the value when there is no money involved in things.

I forgive myself that I have acccpted and allowed myself to only see value in money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that self support is even more valuable than money.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that no matter how much money I have, if I do not support myself in other ways there is no point in having money.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the balance that exists within having to have money and supporting myself - where I do have to have money and at the same time support myself with things that won't give me money immediately or at all.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that the same self-will that I apply at work for money I can apply at home for self-support.

Day 55: My Life Experience With Lending Money

It has happened to most I guess, when a friend asks for money it is an uncomfortable moment. Today I was asked again and my first reaction was 'no, not again, not you' and I said simply I didn't have the  money as I don't. But even if I had I have to be very disciplined and know when to say no, and say it. 

Because when someone owes you money is not cool, the dynamics that unfold are complex, like what happens if  the money is not returned - I think there is no 'lending' money but more 'giving' because what you know is that you are giving the money but you don't know that it is going to be returned for sure. So one would have to 'lend the money' without expecting it to come back, if one can't do that I would not lend the money to anyone. If you can't afford to lose the  money, you can't afford to lend it, as it is never sure it will be returned, and then you lose the friend along with the money.

Also you can't trust people with money, because they change, they can be very nice and all but when it comes to money one can't really know. And it has happened to me the hard way with giving even family members money! It happened to me because I didn't know the mental state of this family member, life savings were lost on my side. And I am talking about a brother here! And this has had repercussions to this day, not being able to pay my way through DIP Pro and  living paycheck to paycheck.

 And friends that claim they have not been given money, and because a paper was not signed, I can't claim the money back - and they continue to be 'friends' as they 'don't remember' ever receiving money. Of course not to be trusted ever more. 

So the end result of  me giving money, even to family members has resulted in me having zero savings, which is sad to say the least, allowing myself to be betrayed by my own brother because he was mentally disturbed and I did not know.

People have various and many mental problems and they ask for money but you can never know their intentions for sure. How could you? You can't, and you can learn this 'today or the hard way'.

So money is a hard subject, don't take  it lightly when someone asks you for money because you can be taken in for a ride if you are not careful and have learn to say No,  or can afford to lose what you lend.

Also it is important what the money is for, in today's case it was to pay for a summer festival and my friend said would be returned in less than two months, well I can't afford to help you out and you will survive without me lending you the money.

When the money is for problems and so on, also you have to assess if you can self-honestly help out or not. It is important to not feel guilty if you can't help out someone, in  my life I will come across people that need help but won't be able to help them. Self comes first and if I can't afford to help someone then I won't, if I can then I will - but as a rule of thumb I don't lend money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for not being able to help people that really needs help.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  not see, realize and understand that self comes first, and I can't and will not be able to help everyone in my life that needs economic help.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to help everyone that needs help.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed by being fooled into giving my life savings to a family member.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel less-than because I  have no savings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am inferior because I don't have savings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not put myself first whenever someone asks me for money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myelf to trust people with money.

I forgive myself that I have not accepeted and allowed myself to see that if I can't afford to lose the  money then I can't afford to lend it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust a family member with money without making sure of their state of mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I am not able to give money away, so I don't even have to consider lending money as I am not able to.

I commit myself to remind myself that I come first and that I can't afford to lose money thus I can't afford to lend money.

I commit myself to remind myself that I can't lend money.

I commit myself to remind myself that I doon't lend money.

Day 40: How We Condition Ourselves

For a few days I have been feeling annoyed and I didn't know why, but now I realized it is because I pledged to give money to G for his travel and now I am short of money. Before giving the money to G I thought, if I give the money to G and then I am short of money I will be pissed all month, and this is how I have been feeling lately, pissed. So we literally create our experience because in fact I don't need a lot of money to get by and because I pledged it and G relies on the money I won't withdraw my pledge, but here is to me to do the math and do the numbers porperly before giving money to others - and not program myself to be annoyed if I am short of money afterwards.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pledge money before doing the math of what I need and don't need of money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself to feel annoyed if I am short of money due to giving money to G.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that 'I will be annoyed if I am short of money' instead of doing the math to see if I will be short of money or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of being annoyed instead of preventing the situation it by practically seeing what I need of money and what not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in annoyingness instead of seeing and finding solutions to my situation.

I commit myself to let go of annoyingness as I see realize and understand I created this situation and I can already take steps to better it instead of feeling bad about it.

I commit myself to remind myself that it is not needed that I feel annoyed as it serves no practical purpose.

Day 33: BeLIEfs and Money

'I don't have anything to write about' That's what I wrote in my last draft of a post for this blog, so I believed I had nothing to write about, and for 15 days I have not written. It is not that I did not have something to write about, for 32 days continually since the begginning of this blog I had something to write about so it is dangerous to trust the mind with statements such as 'I don't have anything to write about', I can always write about my resistance to write.

It is interesting how it has coincided that I have had more money because I recieved the first pay of my job and now that I have almost spend it all I go back to writing. It is like I have lived a bubble of 15 days and indeed I have spent it for example on a gym subscription, education, clothes, nothing fancy but it is interesitng to see the correlation of going from having very few money to have substantially more money and how I have drifted away from my goals and what is important to me so in the future when I get money again I will make sure that I stick to what I commited myself to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have nothing to write about.

I forgive myself to believe that I don't have anything more to offer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust the mind in the statement ' I don't have anything to write about'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in a bubble of money where I don't care for my commitments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be more preoccupied with what to spend the money on than to keep my commitments going.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let money change what I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let me fall for the comfort of money and not keep my responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to validate the belief that I have nothing to write in self interest to not have to write.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to mantain my priorities even when I have more money.

I commit myself to maintain my priorities even when I have more money.

I commit myself to remind myself to push to keep my priorities going even when I have more money.

I commit myself to remind myself that beLIEfs are LIEs and that I don't have to trust them.

Day 17: Managing money

In the past I had been uncareful with money, specially with bipolar, when I was in a hypomanic stage, I did not plan carefully what to do with money and instead spent it or lent it to close people without thinking too much, this caused problems where I basically went broke.

You can read more about hypomania here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be uncareful with money while on hypomania.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give money away without thinking the alternatives or what can be done to not spend so much money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust other people with money instead of seeing, realizing or understanding that when it comes to money it is better to not trust people with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to buy unnecessary stuff while on hypomania.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create negative consequence for M in my uncaring dealings with money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can buy stuff just because it feels good to do so - without looking at the budget.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to buy stuff because it feels good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mismanage money to the point of having to ask for money from R

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mismanage money to the point of going broke.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust with money to the point of going broke.

Whenever I see I want to trust people with money, I stop and I breathe. I look for another way so that I don't have to trust people with money, as there is most of the time another way.

I commit myself to remind myself that I cannot trust people with money as most of the time it will end badly.

Whenever I see I feel good and want to spend money, I stop and I breathe. I realize that if I am in hypomania I have to be extra careful with money as I have the tendency to overspend because I feel good.

I commit myself to spend money with budgeting and disregard if I feel good or not.

Whenever I see I want to lend money to someone, I stop and I breahte, I realize that I have to stand on my own two feet and other people too and that I can't be lending money specially seeing how it has been abused even by close people.

I commit myself to look for other ways when close people ask me for money and see if they really need it.