Wednesday, September 11, 2019

Day 148: Why I Didin't Want To Do DIP


First of all I will start with what is DIP? From their website "Desteni I Process is a life coaching platform where you'll learn essential life skills and practice simple common-sense tools such as self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application. Based on years of research & practice, developed with attention to detail, proven by hundreds of people and delivered to you comfortably through the web."

I started this a bunch of years back maybe I was already doing it in 2010 I don't remember well and it is basically the plataform to 'get my ass in gear' that I have not done thoroughly or at all for some years but that I went back to every time. Why I didn't want to do DIP? I wanted to have an excuse, to remain self dishonest, to not have to face myself, to not have to change. In my life I have found not facing myself came along with facing much consequence such as being bipolar now, having to manage that. I am not saying had I remaied disciplined I would not have become bipolar but it happened. In my life I said the statement of no matter what comes up to me, let it be so that I become self honest. In a way saying that consequence had to first materialise before I start my process, I have seen it is not necessary to wait for external consequence to start your process properly. So the consequence I had to face in a way prevented me to do DIP or distracted me from it - I had wanted consequence to happen, oh, so it happened. Now I am walking again DIP and found I was having difficulty with it, resistance thus why I am writing this blog to find out what it is. All the years that have passed I have not advanced much in the course, and I judge myself for it - for not being more directive, for not being more steadfast also Bernard told me to speed up to be able to do mind constructs, not even that worked - I see I have to put myself to do it for myself and disregard anything of the past that holds me down. Regret for example, of not having attained much in a lot of years -- but time doesn't stop for me - or anyone so there is only but to walk. I don't want to paint a pretty picture here, it is not, mine is but a cautionary tale that either I face myself or I face myself differently with more consequence. At this point Bernard died, my father had also died, and I have only myself to either walk this or walk this differently, with even more consequence. And this is what I am tired of, walking manifested consequence with for example having had to stay in the mental hospital for more than one and a half months because of consuming drugs made me essentially 'go crazy'. Why I didn't want to do DIP: Because if I change I have to stop doing drugs for example, porn, I have to become self honest. And I wasn't even doing drugs back then. The mind is the drug, that I so cherished and didn't want to correct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not do DIP to not have to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not do DIP

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for consequence before I move myself to do DIP

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to remain dishonest thus why not do DIP

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not do DIP to have an excuse why I did not change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe any excuse is valid as to why not change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not do DIP to be able to be able to remain addicted to the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not do DIP to be able to claim I am not ready for change

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to do DIP properly to have an excuse as to why I did not change and to be able to remain dishonest

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