Day 135: Putting Myself First

Today I am satisfied about myself because I have directed things that needed direction in order to put myself first, taking care of getting my driving license, directing also the situation at home where I have had to say to someone that could no longer live at our place, which is not an easy thing to do.

It is important to put self first because if I do not support myself, I cannot rely on someone else to do the caring for me - it doesn't work that way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not put myself first.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the practicality of putting myself first.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that first I have to 'save myself' before I can even think of 'saving someone else' if that is even possible.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that I do not have to apologise for putting myself first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am bad for putting myself first.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that ultimately if I put myself first I will be more empowered thus be able to help others.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that in fact putting myslef first is not egotistic but necessary in order to be able to help others.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that it is not being a 'bad person' putting self first, but something necessary to be able to be empowered to help others.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that unless I empower myself first I wont be able to ever help anyone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to help others before I have even helped myself.

Day 134: The Saviour Complex

It's been already two times in this month that I have housed homeless people at my place, and the first time it didn't work because the person was mentally ill and the second one it is someone that is not really trying to get out of it meaning actively looking for work for example, so I will have to let this second individual go too. But the question is what is the starting point of helping people in this way?

If I look inside myself it is because I would want for someone to do this to me too if I ever need it, I hope that if I help someone this someone will at some point in the future help me out too. But this is not doing things unconditionally, meaning if I do help an individual I should not expect anything in return. And looking at my situation currently I am not in the position to be able to 'rescue' anyone as I barely am surviving myself.

Enough is enough.

I see that I have done this in fear that myself I will be in a bad position in the future, instead of preparing myself for the future I try to help someone else in hope that they or someone else will help me if I am in this bad position, this because next year I will be studying and working and I don't know if I will be able to do both, so maybe I end up having to leave my job for the studies and then I would have a gap where I might have less money -- but the solution is not 'saving' anyone but making sure that I have my future well prepared, so starting with putting myself first.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to put myself first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to help others in the hope that they will help me in the future, instead of making sure my future is solid, well prepared for myself by myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will have housing issues in the future and instead of making sure I will not have them, want to help others so other will help me in the future, wich does not add up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have fear of the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have fear of the future instead of preparing myself for the future.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I have to prepare my own future and no one will be there to save my ass, not even if I 'saved someone else's ass' apparently.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that helping out someone that does not help themselves is not really helping them but supporting their self dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I help someone else now someone else will help me in the future, which is simply not true.

I commit myself to strenghten myself so that I don't need help in the future.

I commit myself to put myself first.

I commit myself to support myself so that I am able to support myself at all times.

Day 133: Taking care of things

Recently I had to take care of something where I had to take various steps in order to start to solve it. Had I not taken these steps I would have been anxious but because I did all I could to solve the problem, and now I only had to wait, I was very calm within it all.

And this point of calmness is interesting, because it is within directing points, taking care of things than one can sit back and for a moment access this calmness in knowing that 'I have done all that I could to solve this problem'. And this is what I see is cool about taking care of things/directing problems, that if I do it then I can be calm and relaxed because there is nothing more I can do but keep doing what is needed to be done for the problem to be solved.

And this goes with all in life, when facing a problem I can either despair about it or take the steps necessary to solve it - thus accessing this calmness or peace.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to direct all my problems into resolutions so that I can live in calmness.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that indeed the solution is 'stop thinking and end your problems' as stated by Lao Tzu.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I can indeed live in calmness by directing all and every problem I face.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I can direct all the inner and outer problems the same.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give myself the opportunity to live calmness by directing my problems.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to end my problems so that I can live in calmness and also direct the outer problems as the world problems as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I am indeed capable of stopping all that bothers me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that if anything is bothering me it means it only requires direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose to not direct my problems thus allowing myself to live in anxiety instead of calmness.

Day 132: Going back to basics

I have not directed myself to write as of late and I am changing this from today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simply not write blogs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the days pass without writing a blog.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in into not writing blogs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not write despite having the time to do so.


At work they are trying that I accept bad conditions and I will not, I will stand up for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear repercussions from not accepting bad conditions at work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not be able to keep the job if I stand up for myself and my rights.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that if the job I am currently working at will not give me my basic rights, I don't want to have anything to do with them as I will be better off somewhere else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to stand up for my rights.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the fear of not having a job interfere with me voicing myself.

Fear of the future

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not be able to provide for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I am able to do so much even if I don't realise it.