Day 197: Apparently Well

So when everything is going ok it seems like I don't have anything to write, but is it? Still have a lot of things to work on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when everything is going ok I don't have anything to write

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the 'calm' means nothing has to be written

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is a point when nothing has to be written

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I can always expand wherever I am

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that there is a point where it is done

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to look at the points that I still have to work on

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that once the money point is solved, everything is ok

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe just because I don't feel like writing it means I don't have to write

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I have to introspect in order to find something to write about

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that there are always points to improve/expand

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that unless I direct myself to write I will not write

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'get comfortable' because apparently I have solved the money point and not write when in fact I have a lot of points to improve, even the money point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to succumb to the resistance to write

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there is such a point where 'I'm done with writing'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I have a lot to work on/about myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see what are the points that I need to work on

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately not look at the points I need to improve on/get better at/do

Day 196: Pizza

 

So it seems like my fears have finally materialized, at work I cannot so far work out how to spread the  pizza. What is true is that I don't like the job, because in the past I worked similar jobs, with food to go and it was always a stress as orders came in and I had to prepare everything in a rush. So it is more a survival point that I went for this job. So I would like a different job and I am beating myself on the head for not 'fitting in' in this one. Can I reverse this point? Because the job itself is not the problem, but my previous experience with this business is, where in the past in another restaurant I was alone having to prepare a lot of orders of burgers and did not have the proper training.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge food to go as difficult and that I have to rush to do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate food to go as suffering

I forgive myself that I have accetped and allowed myself to deliberately sabotage myself with not learning because I don't want to learn because in the past I suffered stress doing food for delivery

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that in the new workplace I will suffer because I suffered in the previous one of the same kind

I forgive myself that I have accetped and allowed myself to have made an oath to never go back to the food business

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to not see, realise and understand that in my previous workplace things where not done properly and I didn't have time to train whereas now I do have both things

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I cannot train to become a good food for delivery guy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike the business of food for delivery 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dread when a new order arrives at food for delivery as it means more work and more stress - as what I know from the past

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the machine of food orders with fear and stress

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that from the begginning my work as a food delivery guy will be a failure - from my past experience - not seeing, realising and understanding that every moment is different, every place is different

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to un/subconciously  sabotage myself to not have to do this work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself because I don't know how to spread pizza

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be frustrated at myself because I don't know how to spread pizza

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist learning how to spread pizza because if I learn apparently I will suffer with stresss and anxiety in the new job

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the job as difficult

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the job by judging it as difficult

Whenever I see I have anxiety about the job, I stop and I breathe. I realise the past is no longer here and that every moment is different, so I let go of the fear and anxiety

Whenever I see that I associate the sound of an order with fear or anxiety, I stop and I breathe, I realise I have plenty of time to prepare the order and thus I will have something to do with my hands instead of being in my mind stressing.

Day 195: New Job Fears

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being up to the required level at my new job

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear fucking up at my new job

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not passing the trial period at my new job

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not knowing what to do at my job

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being up to speed at my new job

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I can do my best and then I don't have to worry about anything else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the only way is giving it my best, as if I fail then I know I did my best

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my job for not being good enough

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I didn't have the job in the first place so I don't have to fear losing it as I would be like in the begginning, without a job

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the job being hectic

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that in breath everything is possible

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being good at my job

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I will have to pass the learning curve in order to be good at my job

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being too slow at my job

Whenever I see that I have a fear related to my job, I stop and I breathe. I realise I simply have to do my best and then everything will follow. Thus I focus on practical solutions rather than fearing in my mind.

Day 194: Doubt Not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being prepared for uni

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I can prepare myself for uni

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not 'getting it' at uni

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I have time to prepare myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to understand the subjects at uni

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I can understand everything

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust in myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I fear because I have not faced the things I fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I can practically face my fears

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give myself the opportunity to face my fears

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that fears in reality do not exist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in insecurities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I am certainty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that fearing is indeed useless and a limitation

Whenever I see that I doubt myself, I stop and I breathe. I realise that I have to explore that which I doubt and that inevitably I will understand it and be able to apply whatever it is. Thus instead of going into self-doubt I work towards getting to a understanding and solution.

Whenever I see that I fear 'not getting it', I stop and I breathe. I realise that in order to understand something I have to study it - thus I give myself the time to study it.

Day 193: Patience is Key

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe anything I do is useless

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there is no point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe eveything is too much

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want results fast

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have patience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I can't have everything instantly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, ralise and understand that things take time to happen

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have to achieve things fast

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to pace myself 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that rushing does not serve me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that if I want results fast then I will become frustrated

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I can have patience

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that with patience everything is achievable

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself that if I don't have patience then I will give up before I get results

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that patience is Key

Day 192: Change the World

I am only one, I am responsible for myself - Sometimes I put on 'the weight of the world' but this is only an excuse to not have to change myself, because apparently 'I have to change the world' - I will never change the world - but I can change myself and affect world change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have to become a super-being or super-hero of some kind to be able to 'change the world'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to change the world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I am responsible for myself alone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put on the 'weight of the world' without seeing, realising and understanding that it is merely an excuse to not change myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I alone will never change the world

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that if I change I can affect world change

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take my process of change seriously

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put an emotional charge to 'changing the world' instead of changing myself here as breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I come first 'self first'

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I am not alone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear instead of realizing that fear is an illusion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let me drift from thing to thing without applying myself effectively

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that with every day that I write I will be stronger and stronger or more aware

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself when I see 'changing the world' as too much, without seeing realizing and understanding that the 'wanting to change the world' is not a valid starting point without first having sorted myself out.

I commit myself to change myself first

Whenever I see I 'want to change the world', I stop and I breathe, I realize it is a distraction to not have to change myself thus I let it go.

Day 191: Back to Blogs

 More than a week later, I am back to write blogs. Excuses, believing I am not good enough, general 'disenchantment with the world' are all not valid, I will push for one blog a day no matter what. After all, 7 years of writing do not get written for themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep quiet

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not support myself in writing

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I have to support myself in writing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am not good enough

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that if I don't push myself to write daily I will not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to where I am now, instead of seeing that I can move out of it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the days pass without writing blogs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard the self support and the support of others that my blogs can have

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to value my blogs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand how much less people will stand up for themselves if I do not stand up for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge writing a blog as difficult

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that writing daily is an act of awareness and my mind will always come up with excuses to not do it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see the potential I have through writing this blogs - of who I can assist without ever knowing it myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become 'disenchanted with the world' as in 'not being content with what I have' and 'want more' and within this 'want to give up'.

I commit myself to push for one blog a day

I commit myself to remind myself of the importance of writing blogs, for me and others to stand up

I commit myself to remind myself that only excuses will make me  not to write daily and excuses are not valid

I commit myself to remind myself that I have to stand and write daily not only for myself but for others as well

I commit myself to, whenever possible, publish one blog a day for 7 years.