Sunday, February 18, 2018

Day 58: When I Believed I Was Dying

Today is Sunday, the day that many have off and that can dedicate to themselves, that they don't have to work and that usually this blog has more views, thus why I have been for more than 15 minutes wondering what great point I can write about. There is no one great point to write about, well maybe there is, the principle of doing what is Best for All. You see, I am Bipolar and there was one time where I was very depressed and became psychotic, which means  that I started imagining things that were not true. I imagined that that I did something horrible and that everyone and police was after me and that I would burn in a horrible hell forever. Once I was in that state I believed 100% that this was true so I reasoned wrongly that if I was going to end up in a horrible hell why the hell not go straight to it, and I attempted suicide.

When I believed I was dying I told my mother even in my perturbed state:  'the principle of what is Best for All still stands', and I said goodbye.

I am not revealing how I did it to not give ideas to other people but at that one point I was certain I was going to die - later on, when I was at the hospital and didn't die I was angry and then started a process through medication and realizations how I made up a lie in my head and what I believed of the persecutory ideas was not real, until now that I don't have anything of this at all and am 'a normal person' once again.

I am telling this because, when I thought I was going to die, there was a moment of clarity, of wanting to leave something in this world eventhough not effective - just saying that the principle of what is Best for All still stands doesn't help much - and what is more relevant by saying this on my believed death time I was in a way passing the torch to others, giving the responsibility to others of something I did not do fully in my life, which is doing what is Best for All absolutely.

This is to remember that at times we forget about the principle, about bettering ourselves, about bettering the world but remember that, on my 'deathbed' the first thing that came up, and this was not planned, never during my psychotic break I thought about the principle of what is Best for All or self forgiveness as I was too much in my posession/imaginary world/caught up in fear -- so the first thing that came up in my 'deathbed' was the principle of what is Best for All, and by then it was too late, I mean, I believed I was dying and there I was telling this to my poor mother who was not prepared for this at All - So when we die, when we are on our deathbed it is too late, and we can't pass our self-responsibility to someone else to walk, either we walk it or we don't, no one will walk our self responsibility of principled living.

Learn more about principled living here

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