Day 152: The Night I Met A Billionaire

The potential of a blank document is that you can put whatever on it, I am faced with this blank space now that I am writing this blog and everyday that I put myself to write one. This is the potential of my life as well, of my future, where I fill the the blank space of the future with what I do in the present. True change comes from within. And I see all of the days that I have blogged, I have mantained a kind of consistency that is cool. And although it may seem I am all over the place it might be because I hadn't set a goal for this blog, what comes comes. Such is life, where one day I met a so called billionaire and the next I was in the psychiatric hospital - my dreams shattered, I have to rely on myself there is no saviour coming. The future with my billionaire friend seemed bright but it was only a late night party pal with drunken void promises it seems for all accounts. So it seems that figuring out my future is still something I am doing and it is exciting and frightening at the same time.

More on the billionaire: He told me how he 'hated' everybody else, people don't really give a fuck about you when you don't have money and I have tested this for myself, they simply won't give a fuck - so once you solve the money problem why should you give a fuck about them? Well we can talk about solving the problem on a country scale with basic income but at the individual level you can't give a fuck because if you were in the same position let's say you are poor, no one will give a fuck. So no one will give a fuck about me and I better find my own way to success because it is something you do - not given.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have my future solved by a billionaire.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to rely on myself for self-change and success.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of my future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want others to give me my future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I create my own future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that there is no such thing as free money for now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have free money given to me instead of me giving it to myself through my own endeavours.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build dreams from what was said to me by a so called billionaire.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that for practical purposes, I am on my own.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to own up to the realization that I am for practical purposes regarding money, on my own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that there is no such thing as free money for now.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that there is no saviour coming to rescue me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be bummed out because the billionaire did not rescue me to have a cool life

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I can create a cool life for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want nice things given to me instead of me giving them to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make dreams from what was said to me by a so called billionaire instead of remaining here as breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I cannot build whatever the dream is for myself.

Day 151: Back On Track

I have been a few days without internet at home and I have noticed two things, that I overslept and that I didn't write for myself self forgiveness, to the point where today I had a bit of anxiety having to face doing blogging again but here I am, once again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write self forgiveness only for the blogs and not for myself too.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to oversleep when I didn't have internet at home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in anxiety in having to retake blogging.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I don't know what to write.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am lost if I don't have internet at home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be here as breathe whenever I have to face whatever it is that I am facing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not use other ways I had to access internet to post my blogs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in laziness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not remain here as breath and direct myself effectively whenever I see I am going to participate in laziness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use sleeping as a tool to escape or try to escape my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hard on myself on 'having to do things'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to make 'perfect blogging' without seeing realizing and understanding it is only an idea, not real.

Day 150: Oversleeping

Today I did not accomplish much because I overslept.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid facing myself by sleeping.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to oversleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not face myself but instead sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I deserve to achieve more than only sleeping during the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let laziness get the better of me by sleeping much of the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that in fact oversleeping is boring.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to 'numb the pain of living' by oversleeping.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that living is a pain.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to face the things that I wanted to face today by oversleeping.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can hide in sleeping.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide by sleeping.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise I cannot hide from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I cannot wake up early in the morning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not direct myself to stand up when I wake up in the morning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I can't hear the alarm clock.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is impossible for me to wake up early with the medication that I take.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put excuses to not wake and stand up in the morning such as medication.

Day 149: In The Moment - Unconditional Writing

I have been idle for a few days from blogging, now I will write like I draw a picture, in-the-moment no-filters kinda writing. So what will it be? I like to do tarot draws, I do it for fun and to get clarity on issues. I don't have my Osho Tarot deck with me so next best is a poker tarot reading lol I did it with a female friend and we could have a deep talk from the tarot reading, it was bringing up issues she had we even talked about a possible romantic relationship between us, that is how deep it went! I take very seriously my tarot readings, at the beggining she thought I was joking but I am not, I even have done scrabble-and-dice tarot reading and it went well so it is not about what deck of cards you use but the starting point within yourself. If your intention is to get clarity on an issue it is more than probable that anything you use works, I even tried to do a tarot reading with a few rocks, that did not work but hey if you have some different looking set of rocks it may work.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself in all areas of my life, not only when I do tarot readings.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take the seriousness of my tarot game to my life in general.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that if I take things seriously and people seriously they will take me seriously as well - no matter what deck of cards you use.

And here I extrapole it to this, no mater what cards you are dealt in life, you can make the best of it, first taking your life seriously, if you are broke, you have to make damn sure that you take it seriously to find a job for example, and people will if you take yourself seriously, people will help you out or at least not bother you in  your efforts.

In movies we see the underdog win thousands of times, why?, because he takes the game he 'plays' seriously.

That is very serious, for example if you take yourself seriously you will probably not take drugs, I know I have and I want at times but if I take myself seriously I know that drugs take the best of me into chaos and I don't need no more chaos in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that my life is not a game and that I should not risk it with drug use.

And at the same time life can be a game, a game of cards. The other night a month and a half ago I was playing poker, we had set a buy-in of 10 euros, I took the game as a game and not as money and I had a lot of fun, at times I did't even look at the cards to set a bet and it was not until the end of the hand that I revealed my cards that I knew what cards I had - and I won the little game we played (me against 3 others) but i didn't see it as 'they are opponents' sure they were but I even gave away chips to them, they are my friends first then we happen to play a poker game. In life you have to be serious but at the same time don't take things too serious. And I might sound wrong but hear me, you get it, makes sense? Something true might look untrue, might seem untrue, might feel untrue and we all know it for example a Bernard Poolman audio recording, most can't stand hearing one full Bernard Poolman interview yet he talks common sense, it my feel wrong because he is fucking telling how it is! He even says it will feel 'wrong' but that if you can hear him, really Hear and Apply what he tells you to do. I am walking this Journey to Life because he suggested so, and I get awesome support weekly from my DIP buddy and my life is way better because of that, because had I not had the support I have recieved from Desteni I don't know if I would have this skills I have now, of making a blog, uploading it almost daily, making myself heard. Let me introduce myself again, I am Ruben Moutinho and I stand by the message of Desteni, as I stand by my message that is unique as each one is unique but I don't feel like I am special yet I am becoming a specialist at making blogs and I would like to become an specialist at making my life great, and by great I mean that I live to my utmost potential. 

One thing I am known for by myself is knowing what I have to do yet not doing it, that is one thing I have to master, but is there really a thing like 'I know what I have to do?' I don't have to do anything, I CHOOSE to do something, like I Choose to do this blog here in free flow, without censoring myself, without going back a line, not doing it for the like but for myself and it is really difficult because we are so embedded and have in us put it there that it is good only if people notice you. I don't care, well, I care being noticed but it is not like I will change how I write to make You like Me. Because life has to be free flowing, if we do not free flow, and by free flowing I mean: Stand by Your Expression, use it, Do Express yourself. That is one thing with bipolars, that when I am up or 'we' are up we don't hold anything back, at least in my case I express myself fully, and that is what I wanted to do with this blog and what I will be doing more and more, say the truth and say it unconditionally, say your truth, say I am feeling like shit yet I will write this blog like a champ, that is some attitude right here - Say: I will master my life no matter how I feel Say: I know who I am -- but really? Do you know who you are? Sure I know everything about myself but making that statement implies that I am somehow living my utmost potential but I know I am not living mine, so I don't know who the fuck I am At My Utmost Potential and that is a thing that, the utmost potential is like a motor, you can fine tune a motor to burn better, to work better - notice how It came out 'to burn better' because we have set our lifes to burn like a firewood, like a set of wood that you put in a fire place, we burn ourselves out in this one only life we have, at least that is what I have been doing for the past 12 years, making myself burn and at times trying to rebuild myself. And I am tired of that, that Nero complex, either you burn yourself for good or you don't burn yourself at all - so once I have ruled out suicide the next best is be and become the best that you can be and become the best in you or in this case in me.

Try it, unconditional writing I will call it, what I did here - It is awesome, smart, best thing to do. I love when actors improvise in movies, last movie I watched Once Upon A Time In Hollywood talks a bit about this moment when an actor really gives it his all and that Is what I am trying to do here, give it my all. You might notice I am here and there but the trend line here is: Be you unconditionally, and if you don't know what this You is, I can only tell you my story and you will do what you want, you might not want to hear what I have to say, and it's fine, you will hear what you need to hear maybe you need consequence like I did - oh yes I was a hard one, by hard one I mean I didn't take the recipe and do it as told by Desteni for a lot of years and it has only bringed problems, so maybe what you need is like me, problems to solve, until one day you wake up and you are 29 and life is like a train you are about to miss and you talk some action and walk some action. It may be 29 like me or 24 or 38 it doesn't matter - or 54 - You have and I have plenity of time to correct myself to bring out my true self through writing blogs for example, but don't write it for other people, and here I have to bring up Joe Kou, he has mastered what I am trying to do here, he expresses unconditionally or I think it is what he does, we had a few talks and he helped me tremendously to choose my path in life to where I know now I want to help others, yet I know I first have to help myself and he helped me tremendously. To finish: Do what you want to do, don't wait, because tomorrow might be late because tomorrow never arrives only Here exists, Here Breathing, are you Here? Or sleeping? And I might sound phony but to the risk of it Do what you want within the principle of what is Best for All. And this includes You, doing the best for you, like here I am writing this unconditional writing I am testing it and it is certainly working as things from my mind come through and are typed in this laptop, hp laptop that is grey to tell you hey life is what you make of it, so make the best of it. Because I have seen that I have been doing it wrong for a long time, with simply letting go and free flowing was the answer, it was here all along, I have been Here all along only distracted by my Mind and what I am doing about it to not be a puppet of my mind is work on myself, I set that I had to write a blog evey day, so I do it to the best of my ability, some days I cannot write, so I don't, but most days I can but I let it slide, then I have to ask myself why do I let it slide? But that is for another blog - I don't do it because I don't let myself free-flow, I don't write unconditionally and that is what I am doing here at the moment because I love you --- It was in my mind to say that last phrase, and that is something I am wondering I don't believe for a moment that free flowing is writing all that comes to mind but more being in the edge, where you dont wait for words or phrases to pop up but you are writting so you are one step ahead of your mind, more working with the mind not letting the mind do the work and waiting for 'inspiration' inspire and expire, breathe, and write whatever comes comes

Thank you

Day 148: Why I Didin't Want To Do DIP

First of all I will start with what is DIP? From their website "Desteni I Process is a life coaching platform where you'll learn essential life skills and practice simple common-sense tools such as self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application. Based on years of research & practice, developed with attention to detail, proven by hundreds of people and delivered to you comfortably through the web."

I started this a bunch of years back maybe I was already doing it in 2010 I don't remember well and it is basically the plataform to 'get my ass in gear' that I have not done thoroughly or at all for some years but that I went back to every time. Why I didn't want to do DIP? I wanted to have an excuse, to remain self dishonest, to not have to face myself, to not have to change. In my life I have found not facing myself came along with facing much consequence such as being bipolar now, having to manage that. I am not saying had I remaied disciplined I would not have become bipolar but it happened. In my life I said the statement of no matter what comes up to me, let it be so that I become self honest. In a way saying that consequence had to first materialise before I start my process, I have seen it is not necessary to wait for external consequence to start your process properly. So the consequence I had to face in a way prevented me to do DIP or distracted me from it - I had wanted consequence to happen, oh, so it happened. Now I am walking again DIP and found I was having difficulty with it, resistance thus why I am writing this blog to find out what it is. All the years that have passed I have not advanced much in the course, and I judge myself for it - for not being more directive, for not being more steadfast also Bernard told me to speed up to be able to do mind constructs, not even that worked - I see I have to put myself to do it for myself and disregard anything of the past that holds me down. Regret for example, of not having attained much in a lot of years -- but time doesn't stop for me - or anyone so there is only but to walk. I don't want to paint a pretty picture here, it is not, mine is but a cautionary tale that either I face myself or I face myself differently with more consequence. At this point Bernard died, my father had also died, and I have only myself to either walk this or walk this differently, with even more consequence. And this is what I am tired of, walking manifested consequence with for example having had to stay in the mental hospital for more than one and a half months because of consuming drugs made me essentially 'go crazy'. Why I didn't want to do DIP: Because if I change I have to stop doing drugs for example, porn, I have to become self honest. And I wasn't even doing drugs back then. The mind is the drug, that I so cherished and didn't want to correct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not do DIP to not have to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not do DIP

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for consequence before I move myself to do DIP

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to remain dishonest thus why not do DIP

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not do DIP to have an excuse why I did not change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe any excuse is valid as to why not change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not do DIP to be able to be able to remain addicted to the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not do DIP to be able to claim I am not ready for change

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to do DIP properly to have an excuse as to why I did not change and to be able to remain dishonest

Day 147: Choose Your Future

At the moment I have a bit of inner conflict because choosing my future is difficult, to study, not to study - I have chosen to study a two year degree that will allow me to have a better job than waiting tables and then go from there. I think the strategy is good yet it conflicts with other goals that will have to be delayed

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that the future does not yet exist

I forgive myself that  I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about a thing that doesn't exist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my future

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realise and understand that I can own it when it comes to my future

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I create my future in every moment

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I accumulate in every moment creating my future

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself that I can create a good future for myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that my future is nothing to fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I can change plans at any point and that nothing is set in stone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myslef to not see, realise and understand that maybe I can not go straight to one goal but have to take a longer path of first getting another goal done to be able to achieve the first one

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I don't have a 'cristal ball' to be able to see the future so I can't possibly know how it all will unfold, and it is ok

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I have choosen my future according to where I am now, meaning I might change plans along the way if conditions change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand it is ok to want a better future for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry too much about my future

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that it is ok to not have a certain 100% assured future as the only certainty is death.

Day 146: The Time is Always Right

The time is always right to become better, more, become someone I would want to be.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that the time is always right to become better, to better myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that everything is possible.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to use my time to better myself as much as I could.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that all time is right when I have free time -- to better myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I am always on the right moment to better myself whenever I have time.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to believe in myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I can do much more by changing the mindset from 'having time' for things to 'making time' for thingsl

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see the potential I have in every moment to support myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I depend on me solely to do what I decide to do.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I can make time for everything I want to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put excuses to not do what I decide to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to decide to do stuff and then not do it as much as I commited myself to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'collapse' and do nothing whenever I have many things that I decided to do to get done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand the practicality of doing one thing at a time, one breath at a time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I can manage time effectively.

Day 145: Drugs And Consequence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel excited about using drugs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to use drugs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to risk having an imbalance by using drugs.

I forgive myself  that I have accepted and allowed myself to use drugs 'to have fun'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate drugs with fun.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to underestimate the power of drugs on my system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard any self alarms when it comes to using drugs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care if I go to the mental hospital or not when using drugs.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the big risk that is taking drugs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard the inner voice that told me to not do drugs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care about myself when using drugs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately do drugs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the timeloop of doing drugs and having to go to the mental hospital.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do drugs even if it 'feels right' to do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if it feels right I can do drugs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like doing drugs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I can do drugs without consequence.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that doing drugs for me is not possible, I have much to lose.

Day 144: Short Path Long Path

Today is my second day out after about a month and a half inside the mental hospital, I see I am having a playout of bipolar becoming more extreme, this time having to do with using drugs, something I see I can't risk anymore. Basically I have walked a long path of consequence - whereas I could have avoided it and work more on myself instead had I taken a short path of not using drugs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use drugs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the long path of consequence by using drugs and having to be in the mental hospital.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take a long path when I could thave avoided it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having taken the long path instead of a shorter one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify doing drugs with the thought that I can afford going to the mental hospital.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to risk losing my job by taking drugs and having to go to the mental hospital

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is cool to go to the mental hospital.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play with fire by taking drugs.

I forgive mysef that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is ok to take drugs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to experience the positive side of bipolar.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I can sustain the positive side of bipolar, not seeing realising and understanding that it is not sustainable and even less if drugs are in the mix.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  miss the positive side of bipolar.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take extra care of myself when I was on the positive side of bipolar.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to sustain the positive energy of the positive side of bipolar.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to do many things when I was on the positive side of bipolar, instead of using common sense and see that I have time.