Day 176: Be Prepared

 

SMART Objective

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being prepared

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I can prepare myself for whatever

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that to be prepared is to prepare oneself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myslef to not see, realise and understand that I have everything at my reach that I need

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that if I am not prepared then it will be by my own doing - or not doing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that once I prepare myself I then nothing can stop me

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to have patience with myself to prepare myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to direct myself to prepare myself effectively

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see in myself the potential that others see in me

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to honour my potential by preparing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to squander my potential by not preparing myself in the past

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I can organize myself effectively to prepare myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that the past is no longer here and that I can direct myself in new ways

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I am not who I was

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of the self-definition of myself in the past

I commit myself to let go of the self-definition of myself of the past

I commit myself to direct myself to prepare myself for my future

Day 175: Creating Change

Change doesn't happen on its own, today I applied for a university to study software engineering in Denmark.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone applying for university

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not doing the application right

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being accepted at the university

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being up to the standard of knowledge to pass the courses at university

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I don't have to fear the future

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I can do whatever I set myself up to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear living the word courage

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust my capabilities to study software engineering

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I can create change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the future

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear success

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I can be and become more than what I have so far

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put limits on my success

Day 174: Hydrogen Peroxide Research

 On March 28, 2012, after Bernard Poolman shared about how supportive Hydrogen Peroxide is for the body through a powerful testimonial and with getting to know the book 'The One-Minute Cure' by Madison Cavanaugh - with the intent of sharing this with the world, I created a Facebook group called Hydrogen Peroxide Research, that has Randy as well who is super supportive admin and every day we adds 10-40+ new members and has now more than 11,000 members in total. As I am writing this four more people applied.

So today I checked the group and found a testimonial about how Hydrogen Peroxide helped this lady that was losing her vision. Her testimonial made me want to reflect about how, with the aim of doing what is Best, we can impact the lives of others very far from where we live and we will know, or not know - that is irrelevant - what I wanted to reflect is that the same applies with blogging
- we are All connected and should share what we can to support others and that doing this, sharing ourselves and what works - in fact - works and changes real lives.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my life is irrelevant

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how in fact my life is important as the impact I can have on others

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand the scope of and importance of supporting others as myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand the importance of self-support

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand how important is to share what Bernard Poolman taught us

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how I can in fact impact the lives of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that if I give up, people will suffer

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to not see that if I do not stand up, people my never stand up because of that

I commit myself to stand up for myself no matter what

I commit myself to show to others as Bernard showed to us

I commit myself to remind myself that it is important that I keep sharing as it is Best

Day 173: This is It

Becoming Aware of the Mind, by Andrew Gable

What is it that you are looking for? Every moment of breath, the breath is showing you the solution as being Here - being Here as Breath. 

What is it? From this moment forth I am aware of all that there is inside of me, and I direct myself in ever moment of breath to do what is Best. What is best is that I am supported thus I support myself. I work on myself to be able to become more and more aware of any movement inside of myself, any delusion, where I am still not yet stable. And this is the path to stability and self-direction within and as breath.

In the following self-forgiveness you will see the importance of remaining Here as Breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that every moment counts

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that in fact, I can become aware of everything that goes on inside of myself, and direct it effectively, within breath, with the tools available

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that in fact I am the creator of myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that in fact I can stop the delusions in my head

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand how every moment counts and that this in fact means that in every moment of breath I have to be aware of myself and direct myself to the best of my ability to support myself to become the best version of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand the extent to which each breath matters

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see my responsibility within sharing what I see so that others can benefit and free themselves as well

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand the value of each and every moment of breath, that does not stop, that does not waiver, that is real

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I have to stick to breath, in every moment, stick to practical real reality to be able to see what is real and what is of mind illusion

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the simplicity of sticking to breath

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that = within breath I am stable

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the stability that is the breath, that is here with me, showing me Reality

Thank you

Day 172: All One

 At times it feels like I am alone - today for instance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am alone

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I am not alone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that alone means All One

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that the feeling of aloneness is not real

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand how, in fact each one comes here alone and goes alone

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the powerfulness of being alone

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see myself as my self-creator

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I have to learn to be ok alone

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand the usefulness of being alone

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that each one is, in fact, alone - yet together

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I am fine even if I am alone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that when I am alone then it shows who I really am

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the beauty in being alone 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that I am ok even if I am alone

When and as I feel like I am alone, I stop and I breathe, I remind myself that I am fine and focus on directing myself within the principle of what is Best for All

Day 171: Pel Papa, a letter to my Dad

Inspired by this blog by Sunette Spies, where literal teardrops where falling in moments... Here is a letter to my dad who passed away around 2008 by his own hand. I've always said I understood it but never wrote a letter.

'I am sorry, the memories that come up first when thinking about you are moment where I am not proud of how I was behaving, not helping out in the housekeeping for example, where you would not tell me to do it and it kept accumulating because obviously I had to do them as you were working all day and I was at home all day if I remember well. This feeling of being a leech is not cool, sucking off other's energy or sucking off energy from wherever I can. I am trying to draw parallels to my life after your death where I have also tried to get high with drugs for instance, leeching off the physical body.

I have fond memories too, when you built that kite that flew super high in the sky, or the time you did that 'spaceship' for carnival for us kids to ride in it - that whas Awesome!

But this letter is for you, dad-in-the-sky you flew so high -- I wanted to follow you, you know, but it is not the place for me yet. Maybe that's why - and tears keep rolling from my eyes - I developed bipolar disorder, because I wanted to end my life as well, even made a video in case I passed for my brother to remember me - then the manic depression came. I remember saying to me that participating in something that produces passive income is a good idea. You always wanted the best for us and you did all you could, from exhausting job to exhausting job until you finally settled in a ok job. But you did not want to do that job for the rest of your life either so you decided to part. And I understand. I understand how you freed yourself from an underlying depression, once and for all. You would say yes to many friends that asked for help yet you would not help yourself in the same way - internally. I remember how you would get annoyed if I teased you with 'you don't know nothing about Life' after I thought I knew something from having found Desteni. And I don't know anything about Life eihter, well yes I have persevered during many falls, I have opened up to people, spoken up for myself - also while manic was very expressive LOL

I loved your dad jokes and the time you would drive me to the bus station 'fast' with your peugeot 205.

I will not go into details of what your life could have been because it is what it is but let me guess for a moment, I can't, it gets too much - I guess it felt too much for you for too long. So it is all about the seed, three awesome teens not-so-much-teens-anymore. And you did an awesome work - don't get me wrong - by 'not doing'. You didn't tell me how I had to be, you simply lived by example and by showing us what you were seeing in our interactions with others for example. I learned from  you to really Hear what others are saying, to pay attention to the last words, that are lasting words.

I want to celebrate the fact that you never hit us once and the time we went driving doing loops in a sandy field. How you liked photography but settled for a compact digital camera while researching about the big ones. About the time you told me how you organized yourself to work efficiently. How you were always up to tell me/us about how your work had gone - where you would tell us about details like how to handle an electric drill correctly and  how the boss noticed you did.

How you always invited me to go with you to go buy groceries and I always felt empty if I did not go - I really liked to go get groceries with you.

You really sacrified for us, even going into debt because of our expenses, without telling mom that had more money at that time.

I don't remember you telling me you had a problem ever. I have to start doing that more, telling when I have a problem. Now I have a duty towards you to show you how it is done, how you could have had an amazing life, and so far I am coping but I've made many mistakes. I want to look back and see that you are proud of me. At the moment I look back and see about when I wasn't doing shit. And I see this ungratefulness, how I was being ungrateful by not contributing with housekeeping for instance.

You left with grace, the last time I saw you - I was the last one of the family to see you - you was happy - more than normal. You found your solution. It is not my solution. My solution is Here - and out from the mind demons and addictions because I know this is not what you showed me to do, not even once being able to say you were in contact with drugs. Your drug was sleeping too  much, yes, on you days off. To supress, to not see I guess - but still taking responsibility for your family. I guess I have to prioritize myself first now.

But I don't wan't to end this letter about me, this is a letter for you dad, your work will not be in vain.'

Day 170: CNS Depressants

 

Two of the medications I take make me feel sluggish, with less energy, as they are central nervous system depressants, and it translates into lack of motivation to do things, it takes more effort - Taking this medication is like a test, because there is the impulse to simply do nothing and go to sleep but yet I have to push myself to do stuff. From doing the following self-forgiveness I've realised that in fact it is a cool thing that I feel sluggish/slow as I do things step by step without rushing and thus do less mistakes - as they say, slow down to speed up.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that while on CNS depressants I can do a better job for example at studying as I am not all over the place but go step by step

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the gift in medication to test my will to do stuff

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see the gift in CNS depressants as something that slows me down to be able to focus

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand the necessity that I slow down to speed up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having motivation to do anything

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to take stimulants to counteract the depressant effect

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how effective I am on CNS Depressants

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that if I don't give up I can be very effective on CNS depressants

I commit myself to direct myself effectively even if I feel sluggish

I commit myself to remind myself that going slow is a good way to speed up