Inspired by this blog by Sunette Spies, where literal teardrops where falling in moments... Here is a letter to my dad who passed away around 2008 by his own hand. I've always said I understood it but never wrote a letter.
'I am sorry, the memories that come up first when thinking about you are moment where I am not proud of how I was behaving, not helping out in the housekeeping for example, where you would not tell me to do it and it kept accumulating because obviously I had to do them as you were working all day and I was at home all day if I remember well. This feeling of being a leech is not cool, sucking off other's energy or sucking off energy from wherever I can. I am trying to draw parallels to my life after your death where I have also tried to get high with drugs for instance, leeching off the physical body.
I have fond memories too, when you built that kite that flew super high in the sky, or the time you did that 'spaceship' for carnival for us kids to ride in it - that whas Awesome!
But this letter is for you, dad-in-the-sky you flew so high -- I wanted to follow you, you know, but it is not the place for me yet. Maybe that's why - and tears keep rolling from my eyes - I developed bipolar disorder, because I wanted to end my life as well, even made a video in case I passed for my brother to remember me - then the manic depression came. I remember saying to me that participating in something that produces passive income is a good idea. You always wanted the best for us and you did all you could, from exhausting job to exhausting job until you finally settled in a ok job. But you did not want to do that job for the rest of your life either so you decided to part. And I understand. I understand how you freed yourself from an underlying depression, once and for all. You would say yes to many friends that asked for help yet you would not help yourself in the same way - internally. I remember how you would get annoyed if I teased you with 'you don't know nothing about Life' after I thought I knew something from having found Desteni. And I don't know anything about Life eihter, well yes I have persevered during many falls, I have opened up to people, spoken up for myself - also while manic was very expressive LOL
I loved your dad jokes and the time you would drive me to the bus station 'fast' with your peugeot 205.
I will not go into details of what your life could have been because it is what it is but let me guess for a moment, I can't, it gets too much - I guess it felt too much for you for too long. So it is all about the seed, three awesome teens not-so-much-teens-anymore. And you did an awesome work - don't get me wrong - by 'not doing'. You didn't tell me how I had to be, you simply lived by example and by showing us what you were seeing in our interactions with others for example. I learned from you to really Hear what others are saying, to pay attention to the last words, that are lasting words.
I want to celebrate the fact that you never hit us once and the time we went driving doing loops in a sandy field. How you liked photography but settled for a compact digital camera while researching about the big ones. About the time you told me how you organized yourself to work efficiently. How you were always up to tell me/us about how your work had gone - where you would tell us about details like how to handle an electric drill correctly and how the boss noticed you did.
How you always invited me to go with you to go buy groceries and I always felt empty if I did not go - I really liked to go get groceries with you.
You really sacrified for us, even going into debt because of our expenses, without telling mom that had more money at that time.
I don't remember you telling me you had a problem ever. I have to start doing that more, telling when I have a problem. Now I have a duty towards you to show you how it is done, how you could have had an amazing life, and so far I am coping but I've made many mistakes. I want to look back and see that you are proud of me. At the moment I look back and see about when I wasn't doing shit. And I see this ungratefulness, how I was being ungrateful by not contributing with housekeeping for instance.
You left with grace, the last time I saw you - I was the last one of the family to see you - you was happy - more than normal. You found your solution. It is not my solution. My solution is Here - and out from the mind demons and addictions because I know this is not what you showed me to do, not even once being able to say you were in contact with drugs. Your drug was sleeping too much, yes, on you days off. To supress, to not see I guess - but still taking responsibility for your family. I guess I have to prioritize myself first now.
But I don't wan't to end this letter about me, this is a letter for you dad, your work will not be in vain.'
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