Day 43: The hand that helps

We can all be the hand that helps. The world population is 7,578,071,227 and counting, and we all deserve to have a fulfilling life.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I can be the helping hand that does what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can't do what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to be mad at the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to the extent of being able to change the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I cannot make a difference in the world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot help out for world equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to the extent of believing that I cannot do anything to change the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I am equal to those that have changed the world before me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others will try to put me down if I stand up for world Equality.

Day 42: Police Officers are Equal to Others

Today I met a police officer of the national police in plain clothes who came back from a night out, the national police is the one that is deployed in Catalonia to repress the political movement of independence. I was with a group of foreigners and we all spoke english, I am Catalan but I said to him I was from elsewhere, and asked if Catalan and Spanish folks can be friends, he said it was very difficult and when I revealed I am Catalan we hugged and he said of course we can be friends - lol - it is interesting how we see separation between us according to politics but in fact we are equal, only we are separated because of the politics and ideas that are not real but only separate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myelf from the national police.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself separate from national police.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the national police.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the national police as a threat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being harmed by the national police.

Whenever I see I fear the national police, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize and understand we are no different to each other, only on different sides of political battles.

Whenever I see that I fear the national police, I stop and I breathe, I see, realize and understand that they are the same as me, so how can I fear me? It makes no sense.

I commit myelf to remind myelf that I am equal to those at the national police.

Day 41: Leon the movie

I've had this realization about the movie Leon.

I have watched the movie Leon - Spoilers Alert - and what comes out from it is this man that is almost illiterate that saves the young girl giving his life for her utilmately. What I have seen it represents and why I liked it so much is that it gives a message that it is OK to not prepare oneself to live life and so give to another the possibility to live. I don't know if I explain myself well, in the movie the man gives his life for the girl. Do I identify with they man, yes. But I choose not to. I choose to be the girl, who has all the future ahead. The girl has the chance to live because someone else has given her the opportunity. We can't always be the ones giving opportunities for others to do stuff, we have to be the ones that do the stuff. Here I can see the design of my father, whereas he gave his life for us, but he didn't give a life for himself - so I won't repeat the same mistakes. I choose to give me life, give me a life for myself. And have fun!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can't utilize my life to the best of my ability for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can't change my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belive that I don't have an opportunity in this life, and that I have to give it to someone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself by believing that I am done.

I forgive mysef that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I can create my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can only give to others the opportunity to have a life

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give myself the opportunity to create a life for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that I am this someone that has to do something in this life - not my future kids, not someone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is too late for me to create a life for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my environment pressuring me to do or not do things

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I am the directive principle of my life

Day 40: How We Condition Ourselves

For a few days I have been feeling annoyed and I didn't know why, but now I realized it is because I pledged to give money to G for his travel and now I am short of money. Before giving the money to G I thought, if I give the money to G and then I am short of money I will be pissed all month, and this is how I have been feeling lately, pissed. So we literally create our experience because in fact I don't need a lot of money to get by and because I pledged it and G relies on the money I won't withdraw my pledge, but here is to me to do the math and do the numbers porperly before giving money to others - and not program myself to be annoyed if I am short of money afterwards.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pledge money before doing the math of what I need and don't need of money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself to feel annoyed if I am short of money due to giving money to G.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that 'I will be annoyed if I am short of money' instead of doing the math to see if I will be short of money or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of being annoyed instead of preventing the situation it by practically seeing what I need of money and what not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in annoyingness instead of seeing and finding solutions to my situation.

I commit myself to let go of annoyingness as I see realize and understand I created this situation and I can already take steps to better it instead of feeling bad about it.

I commit myself to remind myself that it is not needed that I feel annoyed as it serves no practical purpose.

Day 39: Competition at Work

Yesterday there was a new companion at work. He is physically a sporty guy, good-looking and I immediately went into competition mode, like if he was going to steal my job from me - lol. The fact is that at the restaurant I work we need more hands and now that a new recruit comes, is it too good for me? I see this competition is based on fear, fear of not having a job and ultimately not having money and dying - fear of death - and  I don't want to base my interaction with A on fear so that's why I am doing this post as well, to do self forgiveness and release this competition mode.

Oh, and he also knows French, which I don't know much, only some phrases, which challenges me to learn more French. In fact I should see A as a motivation - he is fit, knows languages - to get fit myself and learn more languages, instead of seeing him as competition. He can also help out with french costumers where we don't understand eachother. I choose to see A as a support and motivation to become better instead of competition. We are not in a competition we are a team that work cooperatively. This is the same in the world, we are different and each has different qualities, it is not to compete against each other but to help each other succeed as a team.

Because at the end of the day at the restaurant we have costumers that we have to serve, and we have to do this together, better as a team than competing individuals, competing individuals don't do what's best for the team but simply act to win against others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see A as competition instead of seeing him as 'team'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself with A, instead of seeing how everyone is different physically and there is no need to judge oneself for that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge A for his appearance as a good waiter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear A will take my job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to compete against A, wanting to be better than A, in fear that if A wins I will lose my job.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I am in competition with myself - to be competent - to better myself and I am not in competition with anything or anyone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge A as too good - in fear that he is so good that will take my job.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that in the restaurant everyone that functions appropriately has a place in it, as many hands are required to make the restaurant work.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I already have a place in the restaurant and that I don't have to fight for it.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I have to do better at my job for myself, not to be better than others.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that the better my colleagues are, the best it is as we we'll do a better job at serving our costumers.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I should be grateful if A is good at the job as we will be a stronger team.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be the best at the restaurant, in competition with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deire to shine as a good waiter even if it means that I am surrounded by incompetent team mates.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want attention from my superiors and want to be 'the favourite'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I need attention from my superiors in order to keep my job.

Whenever I see I go into competition with A, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I don't have to compete but simply better myself, and that I should be grateful if I have competent team mates.

Whenever I see that I am goint into competition with A, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the better I assisst and support A to become better, the stronger our team will be, which is what matters because together we'll have a better time.

Whenever I see that I want to get attention from my superiors, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I don't need attention from my superiors to do or keep my job and that A will get more attention because he is new, and he needs more help than I do.

I commit myelf to let go of competition with A.

I commit myself to remind myself that the better A is, the better it is for the team to do a good job.

I commit myself to stop wanting to have bad colleagues in order for me to look better.

I commit myself to stop wanting to have attention from my superiors.

Day 38: Working With Detail

At work there are many things, details of being a good waiter that I am learning and that I have to apply, and many times I forget them, also because I am starting and I have to become used to it. It comes down to being observant of what needs the table at every moment. With working as a waiter I have seen that I don't have as a default a lot of attention to things, that I have to push myself to be more observant and recognize the what needs to be done at every moment. This job helps with focus and attention.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be attentive and observant of things such as what are the needs of a certain table at a given moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not remembering a need of a specific table.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I don't need a lot of memory to do this job and that I simply have to do what is here, what I see is needed at every moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see at times what is in front of my very eyes that needs to be done, such as retiring the plates from a table that is done eating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a mistake while taking the order.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not understanding well the guest while taking the order.

I commit myself to observe what is here for me to do while waiting tables.

I commit myself to trust myself when taking the order from guests.

I commit myself to trust myself while working as a waiter.

Day 37: Wanting to Avoid Conflict

At work there is a coworker that is quite loud when I do something wrong or something that she does not like how I do, and I have been avoiding her to not be embarrassed by her, so I will do some self forgiveness on this.

Update: After doing self- forgiveness I have noticed the fear of M was in fact fear of survival, fear of losing the job if M was loud about me not doing well the job and ultimately the fear was linked to fear of death as fear of not having money and dying. The solution is work the best that I can so that I don't have to fear the consequences of not working the best that I can. Simply do my best so that I can be in peace and fear free.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear M embarrasing myself if I do something wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will have a conflict with M if I do something wrong and she notices it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being ridiculed if others listen how M blurts out to me that I am doing something wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ultimately lose my job if the word is out that I don't work well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having money due to not having the job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the bosses will have a bad concept of me if M blurts out loudly that I don't work well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear M in fear to lose my job if she is loud about me doing stuff wrong.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself to do my job well when I am around M.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being fired if coworkers say I don't work well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ultimately die if don't have a job and an income.

I commit myself to do the job the best that I can.

I commit myself to remind myself that fear of M is fear of survival and that I simply have to do my best in the job and in everything I do so that I don't have to fear as I am doing the best that I can.

Day 36: Wanting to Disconnect From Reality

The other day at work a  waiter had a panic attack at the end of the service.Yesterday I bought some pills to have in case I cannot sleep that also work as anti anxiety. I wanted to test them out and took one, the correct dose, at work. After work I took some more to see if there were other effects. The prospect said you could take up to a certain number, I took less but nonetheless the next morning I was a bit groggy. I see I have this character that I can withstand alot. I see in taking some pills and wanting to get an effect from them I wanted to 'disconnect' from reality and go to sleep - which was time to sleep when I took them - This is wanting to get away from reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to get away from reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take more pills than advised in order to get an effect out of them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the character that 'I can withstand a lot' and take the sleeping pills.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put my body under stress by taking sleeping pills in more dose than advised.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hide and run away from reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to get a recreative effect from sleeping pills.

I forgive myself that I have accepted  and allowed myself to want to avoid taking responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I have to inevitably take responsibility for myself, and no amount of pills will avoid that.

I commit myself to face myself and take responsibility for myself.

I commit myself to not take sleeping pills to try to get recreational effects from them.

I commit myself to honor my body and not take more than the advised amount of any pills.

Day 35: The Point Of Change

Recently I had someone share with me his turning point in his life to stop a life of partying and drugs, something happened that made him reconsider what he was doing with his life and change.

Do we really need something happening for us to reconsider what we are doing with life - well I can reconsider what I am doing with my life at any moment. So this is an important point, to  not wait for something extraordinary to happen before we decide to change our accepted and allowed limitations and everywhere in our life where we are not responsible for ourselves.

Yesterday I was working at the restaurant and I was feeling like I was taking advantage of something, I questioned myself, why was I feeling like I was taking advantage of something? It was because I was working at a slower pace than I could, so I was putting pressure on my peers that had to do more work because of me being slower than I could go. So I decided to go all out and work as fast and efficient as possible and this feeling of me taking advantage of something went away and also at the end of the service I was congratulated by a peer for how good I had worked that night, not once but more than one time he said it to me.

So everything is about recognizing what is happening and changing, and we don't need something extraordinary happening to recognize what is here and then decide to change it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to work at a slower pace than I can.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself by working at a slower pace than I can.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to work at the highest rate that I can.

I commit myself to work at the highest rate that I can.

I commit myself to perform at work at the highest rate that I can.

Day 34: Patience

When writing a new blog I want to have the topic at the moment and I even want to be finished before I start! This is not how it goes and I have to have patience with myself with finding a topic and with writing the blog.

It is the same with R that is always asking where I go, what I do, how I am, I have to have more patience with her as I react to her when she asks.

And it is the same with studying, have patience with giving me the time to develop a skill.

It seems that having patience is giving time to things in order for them to happen smoothly.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to have patience when writing a blog.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give me time to write a blog.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to have patience when finding a topic to write.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give me time to find a topic to write.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to R asking me how I am or what I do.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to have patience with R when interacting with her.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give me time to interact with R so that she is assured that I am ok.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to have patience to develop the skills necessary when studying.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give me the time to develop the skills necessary to succeed at my studies.

I commit myself to have patience, to give me time to myself when writing a blog.

I commit myself to have patience with R, to give me time to interact with her.

I commit myself to have patience with myself when studying, to give me time to study.

Day 33: BeLIEfs and Money

'I don't have anything to write about' That's what I wrote in my last draft of a post for this blog, so I believed I had nothing to write about, and for 15 days I have not written. It is not that I did not have something to write about, for 32 days continually since the begginning of this blog I had something to write about so it is dangerous to trust the mind with statements such as 'I don't have anything to write about', I can always write about my resistance to write.

It is interesting how it has coincided that I have had more money because I recieved the first pay of my job and now that I have almost spend it all I go back to writing. It is like I have lived a bubble of 15 days and indeed I have spent it for example on a gym subscription, education, clothes, nothing fancy but it is interesitng to see the correlation of going from having very few money to have substantially more money and how I have drifted away from my goals and what is important to me so in the future when I get money again I will make sure that I stick to what I commited myself to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have nothing to write about.

I forgive myself to believe that I don't have anything more to offer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust the mind in the statement ' I don't have anything to write about'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in a bubble of money where I don't care for my commitments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be more preoccupied with what to spend the money on than to keep my commitments going.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let money change what I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let me fall for the comfort of money and not keep my responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to validate the belief that I have nothing to write in self interest to not have to write.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to mantain my priorities even when I have more money.

I commit myself to maintain my priorities even when I have more money.

I commit myself to remind myself to push to keep my priorities going even when I have more money.

I commit myself to remind myself that beLIEfs are LIEs and that I don't have to trust them.

Day 32: Lessons From a Homeless Lady

Today I was going home from work and an old lady stopped me, she wanted me to help her get her trolley up the road as it was uphill and rough with rocks at the pavement, not cool for the trolley's wheels. I have seen her around the city, she lives in the streets and uses her trolley like a snail with all her belongings. Also I have seen her at the mental hospital when I was there commited, so I even know her name, we were there together at the same time. I have seen that she at times talk to herself but I don't know what her diagnosis is.

So I help her with the trolley up hill and she tells me to go slowly, and it is true, because the terrain is rough if I go fast I will get tired fast and also stuff could fall from the trolley.

I had two sandwitches that they gave me at work and when I mentioned freshly made sandwitches her eyes widened - I told her what they were of so she could choose the one she liked more. She told me to keep the one I liked more and to give her the other one. I left her the two sandiwches as I was going home and could eat there.

Two things: One is that people with mental health problems or anyone should not live on the streets - most likely she cannot keep a job due to her mental problems so it is not fair that she has to live on the streets because she can't work. That's why I support the Living Income Guaranteed by the Equal Life Foundation - so no one falls through the cracks of the system and ends up on the street

The other one is the lesson that this old lady taught me, that in front of difficult problems one has to move slowly and securely, like crossing a river going from stone to stone, it is better to go slowly than to go fast and slip into the water.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tend to rush in front of difficult problems, instead of walking conscientiously step by step, even if that means going slowly - but securely.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to secure what I do that is difficult by walking it slowly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated whenever I move slowly.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that moving slowly is required sometimes when what I am doing is difficult.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that sometimes moving slowly is the only way forward, because if I rush I will not accomplish the thing that I set out to do.

I commit myself to live the word patience whenever I am facing a difficult task, so that I walk it slowly and effectively.

Day 31: I Am Bipolar

Being able to say that is a blessing, because before I did know I was bipolar I was extremely unstable in that I had experiences that I could not pinpoint what they were, events where I was a bit mad, didn't know what had happened to me and it was because of being bipolar that I decompensated and I experienced things that are not real.

It is important to name the things that happen to us because otherwise we do not know if they will happen to us in the future because we don't know what they are. Now I know when I am going into decompensation, when I am going to go 'up the ladder' to hypomania and mania, the road to illusion, and I simply have to up a bit the dose of my medication and I that's it, my doctor does that for me.

I see people on the street that talk to themselves, I don't know what they have but if they are bipolar they might be in a manic episode thinking things that are not real. If they had the diagnosis that I've had they would have an easier life and not simply being labeled as 'mad'.

I found that while I was hypomanic I would be more creative but also I have found that now that I am stable I am even more creative when I put myself to create, whereas on hypomania I was more disorganized now I can create a song easily or do more paintings.

I do not miss being hypomanic, that 'creativity' because I have found creativity being stable. I don't miss the moments where I imagined I was more than I am, had more power because I realize it wasn't real.

I do not miss the moments of being on manic depression, thinking that everyone was against me, people were after me and things like that, I was terrified, now I know it is all an illusion too.

So overall, if you think you might be bipolar and you don't know, get it checked out because if you are, reconizing it and accepting it is the first step to freedom, to be stable and be able to direct your life, and forget of lows and highs and instead live stability - where you can also find creativity if you explore it.

Day 30: Laziness

The last day or two I've allowed myself to be lazy, sleeping too much. What this causes is that then I find myself at work or sleeping witch is not nice as I don't have free time.

Today at work I was not on point from the begginning, I was a bit sleepy maybe because of sleeping too much. Also during the day sleeping for more than one hour, it is too much, with 20 minutes it is enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be lazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I want to sleep a lot, when in fact I don't need to sleep that much.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sleep more hours than I need.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I sleep more I will be more rested which is not true for oversleeping.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that if I sleep too much I am sleepy at work as well.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to use my day for other than work or sleep.

Whenever I see that I want to oversleep, I stop and I breathe. I realize that if I oversleep I will be sleepy for more time.

I commit myself to not oversleep, as I have seen it makes me sleepy and not more rested.

Whenever I see I want to sleep durng the day I stop and I breathe. I realize I don't need to sleep during the day, but that I can rest for about 20-40 minutes maximum.

I commit myself to not rest/sleep for more than 20-40 minutes during the day.

Day 29: The Loss of my Dog

I had a dog, I liked him very much. He was a German Shepperd. One day I must have been around 8 or 9 I was at the park playing and one older grown up female was bothering me, not letting me play by the slide how I wanted, so I went home and got the dog, went to the park again and set the dog on her, I wanted to scare her because she was stronger than me but not stronger than my dog, but the dog bit her a little.

One day my dog had to be put down because he bit a young man more seriously, he was at home and this man came with a motorbike, and he jumped the man. That day I was very angry with the world, and wanted to send all to shit, like I did not care anymore - I was a little boy, but that created an impact in me.

So I was very angry with the world but in fact I was hiding that I was angry with me because I had taught the dog that it was ok to bit people when I brought him to the park to 'defend me' from the bully grown up female. Maybe it was not all that played in the equation of him bitting seriously a young man but it musth have played a big part.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with the world because Flip had to be put down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the world for my dog having to be put down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to act in spitfulness since my dog had ben taken from me - then I did not care about anything else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the world is to blame for the death of my dog.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that a lack of education of my dog was what killed him.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that it is not the world's fault that my dog was uneducated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hold on to the anger of having lost my dog, instead of letting it go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can 'hold it against the wolrd' having lost my dog, when it is in fact not so.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that in fact I was angry with me for having educated my dog that it is ok to bite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the world to not have to face the reality that I had taught my dog to bite and that it caused its death more likely.

Whenever I see I want to blame the world for the death of my dog, hold it against the world, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I played a big part in my dog biting people and that I should not blame the world for having educated my dog in the wrong way.

Day 28: Straightforward Blog Titles

How to try to get more views and fail in the process.

Since the beggining of this blog I have been looking at how many likes and views each post got, for example today is Saturday and I thought 'oh I have to post today' - as I do every day - to not miss those views. 

For the titles instead of being straightforward I have tried to post 'catchy titles' so as to get more visits. In the end if I want someone to find my blog post that talks about a specific topic, it is best that I don't try to come up with catchy titles but instead a title that relates to the topic. 

For example, yesterday's title was 'Day 27:I Am Not That' in relation to that I am not defined by being bipolar in relation to females, when it could have been more straightforward 'Being Bipolar and Females' this way someone that wants to hear about the topic will read the blog and that's it, because 'I Am Not That' is too vague and in the end does not achieve the purpose to get more views simply because it is enigmatic - best to be straightforward.

The best example is my blog post 'Day 26:Gas explosion' - where I explain how doing many things at once led to that happening - I thought the title would get more views because it is shoking - but it got the opposite, it got the less amount of views of all my posts. The blog post could have been instead 'Doing Many Things At Once'.

This all proves that it is not best to try to come up with ingenious titles to get more views but titles that describe the content - and that trying to get more views gave me the opposite, interesting.

Also looking so much at how many views/likes I get is like looking for recognizion from outside of myself, so somewhere I am not recognizing myself, and in wanting to get recongizion I got less views because so this was sort of a wake up call saying, wake up, you don't need recongizion from outside.

Also if one straightforward post reaches someone and it assists them to change or expand this is more valuable that doing many flashy blog posts that don't reach anyone on a deep level, maybe because the people that would benefit from reading my post don't read it because the title is not related with the content.

So from now on I commit myself to post descriptive titles that match with the content of the blog post so that everyone is well informed and they read a blog post that match the title, because on a deep level we know what we need and if the title of the blog post is what we need to read we will read it - and this is why the title and the blog post need to match, the title beind descriptive of the blog post.

It is not how many views I get but if I get 'The Views' from people that would benefit from reading my blogs, it could be very few and yet I would be 'hitting the spot' because people would be benefitting from my blog.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to get more views on my blogposts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to put catchy/attractive titles to my blog posts to get more views.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to get recongizion from my blog posts instead of me recongizing myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to reconize myself and want to get it from views on my blog.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that in my desire to get more views I was creating the opposite by posting vague titles that I thought were catchy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belive I have more value the more views I get in my blog.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that it is not the amount of views I get but the quality of the blog posts, as one blog post can reach one being on a deep level and many flashy blog posts maybe don't reach anyone on a deep level of change.

Whenever I see I want to get more views on my blog post, I stop and I breathe. I remind miself that it is not how many views I get but if I get 'The Views' from people that would benefit from reading my blogs, it could be very few and yet I would be 'hitting the spot' because people would be benefitting from my blog.

Day 27: I Am Not That

Yesterday I attended a support group for bipolars and at the building that it is held there was a new concierge, an attractive female. When I arrived I said I was going upstairs instead of saying I was gowing to the support group, then she asked me again because she knew the meeting was being held and there had been a change in the room it was held so then I said I am going to the support group.
I had resistance to say I was going to the support group, not wanting her to know I am bipolar right away, so I have this fear of females knowing I am bipolar and rejecting me for that.

So I have realized I am not defined by being bipolar, bipolar is something that I live with/that I have but it does not define who I am, therefore it has no effect in getting a partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear females rejecting me when knowing I am bipolar.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see bipolar as a bad thing to have a relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being rejected if a female knows I am bipolar.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hide the fact that I am bipolar.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to own to the fact that I am bipolar towards females.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am less than other males because I am bipolar.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to not be bipolar so that I am 'worthy of a female'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am less worthy of a female for being bipolar.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed mysel to see that I will be loved for who I am and not for what issues i might have such as bipolar.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'getting a female' is like a competiotion where if you have an issue you have less points.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe getting a partner is a competition instead of seeing that two people agreeing to be together is not a competition but an agreement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as bipolar, and within that be less than those that do not have bipolar.

I commit myself to remind myself that bipolar is not who I am, but something I live with, something I have but that does not define who I am.

I commit myself to remind myself that I am not less than those that don't have bipolar, as being bipolar is not who I am.

Whenever I see I resist females knowing I am bipolar, I stop and I breathe. I realize that being bipolar is not who I am and therefore it does not count as being less towards having an agreement with a female.

I commit myself to disregard being bipolar when approaching females as I see realize and understand it has no effect in who I am.

Day 26: Gas explosion

Yesterday I was in a rush, I was heating my meal in the microwave, then I wanted to take a shower, it was late to go to work. When I was undressing I remembered I had to change the gas source, I went to change the gas source half undressed and because I had left the water open and I did the change incorrectly there was a little explosion of gas - nothing happened - but it was a bit of a shock. My flatmate came rushing, what happened! and I said 'nothing', I don't like to say I fucked up right away. The gas heater was ok. Afterwards I told my flatmate what happened.

So this is to show how I can't rush and do a lot of things at the same time as things will literally explode - lol -.

I tried to do lots of things at the same time without finishing the previous ones, for example the microwave was beeping because the meal was ready but I was not there to stop it. Then I was half undressed and went to change the gas source. I went to change the gas source without stopping the running water. The explosion caught me with my pants down - lol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start many things without finishing them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be uncareful with the gas heater when I was rushing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not finish the things I started when rushing.

Whenever I see that I am in a rush, I start and finish things as much as possible and do perilous things carefully such as gas stuff.

Whenever I see that I am in a rush I stop and I breathe. I try to start and finish tasks so I don't have many things running at once that I can't handle.

I commit myself to organize myself to do the tasks when I am in a rush so that I am not 'all over the place' and don't risk myself or others integrity.

Day 25: Too Tired?

Last night I was coming from work very tired from my legs and I had to do more work once home but I simply went to bed instead of planning to do my work later or doing it at the moment.

But is this really true? If I had a child for example, I would have to go to work and then at home I would have to continue caring for it for example, and I would be able to do it because I would not have another option.

So I have to take energy from wherever it is, or is it energy that I need?


I see I have this concept of energy that once it runs out I can't do antying more, but this is not in fact so, it is more an excuse to give up.

I forgive myself to utilize being tired as an excuse to give up and not do that tasks I have to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am too tired from work to do more work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go to sleep without planning to to my other work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that with my main work I already have a lot of work to do and that I can't do more work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself believing that the main work I do waiting tables already is too much work and that I can't do more work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my work 'drains me of energy'

I forgive myself that I have a limited supply of energy and that once I run out I can't do anything more.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I dont have such a thing as  a 'container of energy' and once it runs out I don't have more energy.

Whenever I see that I believe I don't have more energy, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I don't consist of energy and that I can do so much more than my accepted and allowed beliefs.

Whenever I see that I think that my work is already too much, I stop and I breathe. I realize that even if I have my legs tired I can still for example work sitting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse of 'I don't have more energy' to give up and not do the work I could do because I am a bit tired.

I commit myself to find ways to rest and to work past my percieved limitations of energy, which are not real.

I commit myself to push past my percieved limitations of 'I don't have more energy' to prove myself that it is not real.

Whenever I see that I believe that I am a container of energy that has run out, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am not a battery that runs out and I can push myself to do so much more than I think I can.

Whenever I see that I am tired and want to give up I stop and I breathe. I realize that if I give up is not because I am tired but because I give up utilizing the excuse I am tired, when I could continue doing stuff and not give up.

I commit myself to not give up when I am tired, but continue to do what I can commonsensically.

Day 24: Some Tao

Sometimes I forget of my greatness, then I read a passage of the Tao and its passages remind me of it.

34
The great Tao flows everywhere.

All things are born from it,
yet it doesn’t create them.
It pours itself into its work,
yet it makes no claim.
It nourishes infinite worlds,
yet it doesn’t hold on to them.
Since it is merged with all things
and hidden in their hearts,
it can be called humble.
Since all things vanish into it
and it alone endures,
it can be called great.
It isn’t aware of its greatness;
thus it is truly great.

Lao Tzu - Tao Te Ching

'All things are born from it, yet it doesn't create them.' It means we have the same qualities or proprieties of the Tao since we are born from it.

40
Return is the movement of the Tao.
Yielding is the way of the Tao.

All things are born of being.
Being is born of non-being.

A good example of non-being is a cup, what makes the cup usable is the empty space within it. How can you use a cup that is already full? So we have to become empty, then we are use-full, on full use.

'Return is the movement of the Tao.' So we have to become like a child again, it was born without a mind.

47
Without opening your door,
you can open your heart to the world.
Without looking out your window,
you can see the essence of the Tao.

The more you know,
the less you understand.

The Master arrives without leaving,
sees the light without looking,
achieves without doing a thing.

'The Master arrives without leaving,' because we are already our own Masters.

'Without looking out your window, you can see the essence of the Tao.' Because it is the I that is the essence of the Tao.

56
Those who know don’t talk.
Those who talk don’t know.

Close your mouth,
block off your senses,
blunt your sharpness,
untie your knots,
soften your glare,
settle your dust.
This is the primal identity.

Be like the Tao.
It can’t be approached or withdrawn from,
benefited or harmed,
honored or brought into disgrace.
It gives itself up continually.
That is why it endures.

No point of going about talking about the Tao all the time. I don't try to outsmart everyone. This passage more or less says 'chill out'.

So I recommend everyone to read more of the Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu, this translation is by Stephen Mitchel which is very good.

Day 23: Inner Creativity

'Birdie' by me

Before I was at the hospital I did not think much of painting or other creative stuff. When I was at the hospital for bipolar I was very closed within me, in a 'manic depression'. Then I started to paint, paitning is cool because is an expression of us and it starts with a blank slate and everything can flow from this, it is infinite the different expressions that can come out, and it is cool to see that everyone's expression is different, because what is on the paper is oneself.

I expanded my painting to music, composing some simple songs that my colleagues at uni liked. Now I know I can put myself to be creative or create because it is me, so there is no need to force it out or I don't need something external to be creative, I simply put myself to do it, be it painting or composing music/lyrics - because I am accessing me

So do explore and find cool stuff in art, it helped me get out of my closedness in depression and it is fun.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I can't be creative/artistic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I need something external/special in order to be creative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I can't paint/write music.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the expression in creativity is me and thus I can access it whenever I want.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not explore myself within creativity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be creative but not put myself to create.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that people that is create have something that I don't have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that drugs are necessary in order to be creative.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that being a creator encompasses all, from the power to create my life to the power to create a painting or a song, as everything is creation.

Whenever I see that I compare myself with someone that is creative I stop and I breathe, I realize that I am equal to them and I can also access my creative potential.

I commit myself to explore myself within my creative potential as I may find a suprise/gift within it.

Day 22: Wouldn't it Be Nice?

Recently I remembered the song by the Beach Boys 'Wouldn't it be nice?' and I found a remix  that displayed a couple seemingly on holidays by the beach, everything super idillic that made me drool like 'oh that would be nice', seemingly a perfect couple in a perfect spot, by the sea, with a boat and they even get to do surfing! 

At times I forget about living life, like I can only think of duty and chores in the future and not give myself some treats, so yeah it would be nice to have all that appears in the video, as it says "Wouldn't it be nice if we were older and we woudn't have to wait so long"  For me my life has been about waiting, maybe later maybe in years to come I will do this and that or have this or that but years have come and gone and nothing has materialized, because I realize that I have to create my reality, I mean, unless I create for myself what I want to experience I will not have it. 

In the past when I was a young boy - lol - my mother took us to do surf, which was really cool, and I have not done it since. So maybe I will some day go again to do surf soon. Wouldn't it be nice? 

My latter birthdays were not cool for me because I was seeing how years passed but nothing that I had thought would come ever came, now I realize I have to materialize, make things happen or they won't happen, and I can't be angry at them not happening because I am the creator of my experiences in my life.

So I commit myself to enjoy life more, from enjoying more food to why not, enjoying some holidays.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I create my reality, and I have to create that which I want to experience in this lifetime, as things will not 'come to me' - how is that even possible?

I forgive mself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want 'things to come to me' instead of me creating them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry because I 'dont have the things I want' instead of creating them for myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to become the creator of my life at all levels, be it 'work or play'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'wait for my life to happen' instead of making it happen.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am the creator of my life and that 'time won't bring me anyhting' - I will bring me everything.

I commit myself to desire to do things intstead of planning and making things happen for me in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'things come with age' instead that realizing that the only thing that come with age is age itself and all other things I have to create for myself.

I commit myself to create my life and the things I want to experience in this lifetime.

I commit myself to not wait for things to happen, but to create the experiences I want to experience for myself in this lifetime, and not wait for them to happen.

Whenever I see that I am 'waiting for my life to happen' I stop and I breathe, I realize that I am the creator of my life and that I have to plan what is that I want to experience for it to happen.

Whenever I see I am expecting things to come by themselves only because of age, I stop and I breathe, I realize that with age I will only get more birthdays but not the fun activities I could do at those birthdays as that I have to create that myself - or anything I want to experience in my life.

Day 21: 21 Days To Freedom

I have used the 21 days to freedom to stop addictions, whatever you are addicted to or whatever habit you want to stop, be it smoking, addiction to sugar, addiction to porn, whatever. You stop for 21 days and then you are free from the addiction and can continue without doing it.

What I have found from walking this is that now I can take a decision in a moment to stop something and I know I am stopping it for real, that I will walk the decision.

So try it, do you want to stop something that is bothering you, do the 21 days to freedom,what do you have to lose? If you fail let's say you want to stop masturbating to porn and you masturbate to porn at day 3, you start over again and count 21 days, you start again until you have it done.

And that is the secret to free yourself from any and all addictions.

Check this links for more self-support.

desteni.org
desteniiprocess.com
eqafe.com

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won't be able to stop my addictions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my addictions power over me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can't stop my addictions.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I have not really applyed an organized method to stop my addictions thus why I failed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 21 days to stop an addiction is too simple for it to work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that stopping my addiction will take me forever.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to walk the correction to stop my
addiction unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that stopping my addiction will be too difficult.

Whenever I think I won't be able to stop my addiction I stop and I breathe. I realize that for me to stop my addiction I have to simply stop, and continue stopping it until it is done.

I commit myself to stop my addiction until it is done and I am free from the addiction.

Whenever I see I think stopping my addiction will be too difficult, I stop and I breathe. I realize that maybe I will have to start over the 21 days to freedom more times because it is more difficult, but every time I will last more and more time until I am free from my addiction.

I commit myself to walk the 21 days to freedom for my addiction regardless of the time I think it will take me.

Day 20: Nice Food

If you want to take something,
you must first allow it to be given.

Lao Tzu - Tao Te Ching

At the restaurant where I work I see much abundance, we serve very nice food. I wonder if we could expand this and have everyone on earth have as much abundance wouldn't it be cool? Us first world countries should make sure this can happen, firstly by establishing abundance in our own countries and then the rest of the world.

If a country is governed wisely,
its inhabitants will be content.
They enjoy the labor of their hands
and don't waste time inventing
labor-saving machines.
Since they dearly love their homes,
they aren't interested in travel.
There may be a few wagons and boats,
but these don't go anywhere.
There may be an arsenal of weapons,
but nobody ever uses them.
People enjoy their food,
take pleasure in being with their families,
spend weekends working in their gardens,
delight in the doings of the neighborhood.
And even though the next country is so close
that people can hear its roosters crowing and its dogs barking,
they are content to die of old age
without ever having gone to see it.

Lao Tzu - Tao Te Ching

To ensure that everyone is provided in our countries and worldwide it is suggested to investigate the Living Income Guaranteed, so that everyone is supported and has the basic needs met.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that abundance for the whole world is not possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that there are enough resources in this world to take care of all effectively.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that there are already the infrastructures necessary to produce food for the whole world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not investigate solutions to end poverty on my own country and the rest of the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that change in the world is not possible.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that prosperity and abundance in our country and the world is a matter of organization and political determination.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that a world in abundance is possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire abundance for myself only.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that in order to have permanent abundance we must give to all on earth abundance.

I commit myself to investigate and implement solutions for this world that ensure abundance for everyone.

Day 19: Just What The Doctor Ordered

If you want to shrink something,
you must first allow it to expand.
If you want to get rid of something,
you must first allow it to flourish.

Lao Tzu - Tao Te Ching

When I was hypomaniac the doctor insisted so much that I take medication or I could go more into mania, however I did not have the experience of that and I did not believe completely what he was saying and because I felt good I did not see the need to take medication. I did not take medication and I went into mania a short time later. You can read more about mania and hypomania here and here.

What this means is that as my psychiatrist says, experience is nontransferable, so maybe this is why we are so fucked up in this world, maybe existentially we wanted to live self interest because it felt good and now we are seeing the results of living self interest which is a world which half of it starves and the elite lives in greed.

If you want to shrink something, you must allow it to expand. If you want to get rid of something, you must allow it to flourish. What does it mean? We have lived already self interest and now individual people's life will start to crash and fail and we will wonder why - time to wake up - live the principle of What is Best for All to truly evolve as species. Investigate Desteni. Walk the Desteni Lite Process.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in self interest disregarding what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard the fact of the state of the world where half of it starves and want to continue living self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that living self interest I will attain something of value - whereas I cannot take with me my possessions in the afterlife.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be possessed by my possessions and live to lead a consumerism lifestyle, from objects to sex to power.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deviate from living the principle of what is best for all to lead the consumerism lifestyle, in self interest, disregarding life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that living self interest will have no consequences, where there is ample evidence of what living self interest leads to as this world where half of it starves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be 'tempted' to live self interest instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that self interest is not the system I would want to leave here for children to come.

Whenever I see that I want to live self interest and disregard what is best for all, I stop and I breathe. I realize that what i Best for All is best for me, it includes what is best for me so I let go of self interest because self interest is a game of win and lose where I will inevitably lose, in life and/or death.

I commit myself of letting go of self interest, as I realize the real 'self interest' is to do what is Best for All and the other 'self interest' as it exists in this world is merely a competition casino game where one will inevitably lose.