Day 156: Ready To Live

Who is in control of my life? Is it me? Or is it my fears? Recently I was asked what I wanted the most, and what I feared the most, to which I replied that I would like a hou

se with a garden and a swimming pool and that I didn't fear anything, to which further questioning came the fear of 'being without a job' the current job I have I don't like very much, but I hold onto it with this fear of not having a job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having a job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being in the streets.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being destitute.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to have to take any job to provide for myself.

This is ENOUGH

Time To Live

There arrives a time, when enough is enough. I want to do with my life whatever I want to do with my life. No excuses, no holding back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not believe in myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give me a chance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not do enough for myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to do the things that I want to do.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to express myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to start to Live.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be true to myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to have fun with myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to treat my body with respect.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to do what I really want to do.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to let my creativity go/allow it to set free.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loathe myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to do the things I want to do.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to let my light shine through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to underestimate myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I am my ultimate potential but I merely have to let it shine through if only I allow it to shine a little bit.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to do the things I want the most.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own self expression.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take care of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to create projects for myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to believe in myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am separate from those that have success in their lives.

Day 155: Easy on Myself

This is how it is: I am a bit down lately and it's okay. I see I have to be more easy on myself and with where I am at in this moment, be more accepting of reality as it is, to be able to then change it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hard on myself with where I am at at the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regard where I want to be with resentment in comparing it to where I am now, instead of using it as inspiration.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that self-change is possible, that I am possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to polarise where I am with where I want to be and have inner conflict about it instead of accepting where I am now and finding a way to go where I want to go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that where there is a will there is a way.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to accept my reality as it is, as it is exactly where I am and I have to accept that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I can change things in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that the things I don't like in my life are not unremovable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the things I want as unattaianble, instead of looking for possibilities in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my life as dim, not seeing a way out, instead of focusing on what I can do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for a way out instead of seeing, realising and understanding this is not about looking for a way out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not appreciate what I have and instead look for something more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I have a lot.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that I can appreciate more what I already have.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I can tap into my potential whenever I can, only that I cannot jump directly to the results.

Day 154: Specially Difficult

It's specially difficult to write when you don't know what to write about. However it is my commitment to write meaningful blogs, at least four a month because I am blogging for sponsorship at DIP Pro. I went to the help of OSHO zen tarot cards and draw one, I did it through the online Osho website as I lent my Osho cards to a friend and never heard about them again. Anyway I drew the card called 'Supression' - What am I supressing? It is a slight depression, and I think that it comes from not knowing what to do with my life. So I have a slight depression that manifests with wanting to sleep more during the day and it sucks, because sleeping is the opposite of expansion, of doing, and sleeping during the day is specially draining because I lose time and then go into regret.

What's the big deal on knowing what I want to do with my life? Even if I don't know what I want to specifically do with my life, it does not mean that I have to waste away, sleeping my days off.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to 'sleep my days off'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to avoid reality by sleeping

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I can work on myself if I don't know what I want to do with my life

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I can work on myself even if I don't entirely know what I want to do with my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I don't need a clear objective in my life for me to support myself anyway

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse that I don't have an objective clear in my life to let myself down by sleeping too much

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the cycle/trap whereas I don't move because I don't have a clear objective and then I don't have a clear objective because I don't move

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put excuses to not do self supportive things with my time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I don't have to have a golden destination where I see I want to go in order for me to support myself through life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I will find my goals as I go through life supporting myself the best I can so that I can have Choice to do what I want

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I don't have to know 100% what I want to do with my life before I fully support myself

Day 153: Self Improvement and Success

I have been dabbling with self-help books lately but that did not improve me, I was looking for the perfect recipe for success but that doesn't exist, success for me has been for example today when I put myself to do my DIP lesson or when I successfuly stood up from the bed and did not oversleep. So instead of looking for the perfect formula it is more seeing what I'm doing that is not benefitting me to change it for self support instead.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for the perfect formula outside of myself for success, not seeing realizing and understanding that if I am to fix my life I better start making some changes in what I am doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepeted and allowed myself to believe something outside of myself can 'fix me'.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that change means when I stop doing certain things and instead live the correction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I don't have to live by other people's rules but that I can change what I see need change of myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I can indeed identify what needs to be changed and do it instead of looking for an outside recipe for success.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself in wanting the polar opposite of what I have in desiring to have success without introspecting and self-changing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want success without even really knowing what that means or describing it for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within striving for success judge my life as a failure, when it is not the case.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand what I have going for myself already, which is quite something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put success outside of myself as something that has to be reached, when in fact it is not so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word success putting it outside of myself in comparing myself to others that apparently are successful.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I don't have to compare my life to that of others and judge mine as a failure, life is a process not a race.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate me from myself in wanting to live the word success as something out there far away that I have to attain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that every day I can have success, in every moment I breathe I can have success as I successfully lived another breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hard on myself on the topic of success, not seeing, realizing and understanding that I am only a failure if I compare myself to others and judge myself as less than.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if there are certain areas of my life I want to improve, I can do it, no need to compare to others that apparently have more success than I do.

Day 152: The Night I Met A Billionaire

The potential of a blank document is that you can put whatever on it, I am faced with this blank space now that I am writing this blog and everyday that I put myself to write one. This is the potential of my life as well, of my future, where I fill the the blank space of the future with what I do in the present. True change comes from within. And I see all of the days that I have blogged, I have mantained a kind of consistency that is cool. And although it may seem I am all over the place it might be because I hadn't set a goal for this blog, what comes comes. Such is life, where one day I met a so called billionaire and the next I was in the psychiatric hospital - my dreams shattered, I have to rely on myself there is no saviour coming. The future with my billionaire friend seemed bright but it was only a late night party pal with drunken void promises it seems for all accounts. So it seems that figuring out my future is still something I am doing and it is exciting and frightening at the same time.

More on the billionaire: He told me how he 'hated' everybody else, people don't really give a fuck about you when you don't have money and I have tested this for myself, they simply won't give a fuck - so once you solve the money problem why should you give a fuck about them? Well we can talk about solving the problem on a country scale with basic income but at the individual level you can't give a fuck because if you were in the same position let's say you are poor, no one will give a fuck. So no one will give a fuck about me and I better find my own way to success because it is something you do - not given.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have my future solved by a billionaire.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to rely on myself for self-change and success.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of my future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want others to give me my future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I create my own future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that there is no such thing as free money for now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have free money given to me instead of me giving it to myself through my own endeavours.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build dreams from what was said to me by a so called billionaire.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that for practical purposes, I am on my own.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to own up to the realization that I am for practical purposes regarding money, on my own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that there is no such thing as free money for now.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that there is no saviour coming to rescue me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be bummed out because the billionaire did not rescue me to have a cool life

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I can create a cool life for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want nice things given to me instead of me giving them to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make dreams from what was said to me by a so called billionaire instead of remaining here as breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I cannot build whatever the dream is for myself.

Day 151: Back On Track

I have been a few days without internet at home and I have noticed two things, that I overslept and that I didn't write for myself self forgiveness, to the point where today I had a bit of anxiety having to face doing blogging again but here I am, once again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write self forgiveness only for the blogs and not for myself too.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to oversleep when I didn't have internet at home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in anxiety in having to retake blogging.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I don't know what to write.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am lost if I don't have internet at home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be here as breathe whenever I have to face whatever it is that I am facing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not use other ways I had to access internet to post my blogs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in laziness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not remain here as breath and direct myself effectively whenever I see I am going to participate in laziness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use sleeping as a tool to escape or try to escape my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hard on myself on 'having to do things'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to make 'perfect blogging' without seeing realizing and understanding it is only an idea, not real.

Day 150: Oversleeping

Today I did not accomplish much because I overslept.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid facing myself by sleeping.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to oversleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not face myself but instead sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I deserve to achieve more than only sleeping during the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let laziness get the better of me by sleeping much of the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that in fact oversleeping is boring.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to 'numb the pain of living' by oversleeping.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that living is a pain.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to face the things that I wanted to face today by oversleeping.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can hide in sleeping.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide by sleeping.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise I cannot hide from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I cannot wake up early in the morning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not direct myself to stand up when I wake up in the morning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I can't hear the alarm clock.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is impossible for me to wake up early with the medication that I take.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put excuses to not wake and stand up in the morning such as medication.

Day 149: In The Moment - Unconditional Writing

I have been idle for a few days from blogging, now I will write like I draw a picture, in-the-moment no-filters kinda writing. So what will it be? I like to do tarot draws, I do it for fun and to get clarity on issues. I don't have my Osho Tarot deck with me so next best is a poker tarot reading lol I did it with a female friend and we could have a deep talk from the tarot reading, it was bringing up issues she had we even talked about a possible romantic relationship between us, that is how deep it went! I take very seriously my tarot readings, at the beggining she thought I was joking but I am not, I even have done scrabble-and-dice tarot reading and it went well so it is not about what deck of cards you use but the starting point within yourself. If your intention is to get clarity on an issue it is more than probable that anything you use works, I even tried to do a tarot reading with a few rocks, that did not work but hey if you have some different looking set of rocks it may work.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself in all areas of my life, not only when I do tarot readings.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take the seriousness of my tarot game to my life in general.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that if I take things seriously and people seriously they will take me seriously as well - no matter what deck of cards you use.

And here I extrapole it to this, no mater what cards you are dealt in life, you can make the best of it, first taking your life seriously, if you are broke, you have to make damn sure that you take it seriously to find a job for example, and people will if you take yourself seriously, people will help you out or at least not bother you in  your efforts.

In movies we see the underdog win thousands of times, why?, because he takes the game he 'plays' seriously.

That is very serious, for example if you take yourself seriously you will probably not take drugs, I know I have and I want at times but if I take myself seriously I know that drugs take the best of me into chaos and I don't need no more chaos in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that my life is not a game and that I should not risk it with drug use.

And at the same time life can be a game, a game of cards. The other night a month and a half ago I was playing poker, we had set a buy-in of 10 euros, I took the game as a game and not as money and I had a lot of fun, at times I did't even look at the cards to set a bet and it was not until the end of the hand that I revealed my cards that I knew what cards I had - and I won the little game we played (me against 3 others) but i didn't see it as 'they are opponents' sure they were but I even gave away chips to them, they are my friends first then we happen to play a poker game. In life you have to be serious but at the same time don't take things too serious. And I might sound wrong but hear me, you get it, makes sense? Something true might look untrue, might seem untrue, might feel untrue and we all know it for example a Bernard Poolman audio recording, most can't stand hearing one full Bernard Poolman interview yet he talks common sense, it my feel wrong because he is fucking telling how it is! He even says it will feel 'wrong' but that if you can hear him, really Hear and Apply what he tells you to do. I am walking this Journey to Life because he suggested so, and I get awesome support weekly from my DIP buddy and my life is way better because of that, because had I not had the support I have recieved from Desteni I don't know if I would have this skills I have now, of making a blog, uploading it almost daily, making myself heard. Let me introduce myself again, I am Ruben Moutinho and I stand by the message of Desteni, as I stand by my message that is unique as each one is unique but I don't feel like I am special yet I am becoming a specialist at making blogs and I would like to become an specialist at making my life great, and by great I mean that I live to my utmost potential. 

One thing I am known for by myself is knowing what I have to do yet not doing it, that is one thing I have to master, but is there really a thing like 'I know what I have to do?' I don't have to do anything, I CHOOSE to do something, like I Choose to do this blog here in free flow, without censoring myself, without going back a line, not doing it for the like but for myself and it is really difficult because we are so embedded and have in us put it there that it is good only if people notice you. I don't care, well, I care being noticed but it is not like I will change how I write to make You like Me. Because life has to be free flowing, if we do not free flow, and by free flowing I mean: Stand by Your Expression, use it, Do Express yourself. That is one thing with bipolars, that when I am up or 'we' are up we don't hold anything back, at least in my case I express myself fully, and that is what I wanted to do with this blog and what I will be doing more and more, say the truth and say it unconditionally, say your truth, say I am feeling like shit yet I will write this blog like a champ, that is some attitude right here - Say: I will master my life no matter how I feel Say: I know who I am -- but really? Do you know who you are? Sure I know everything about myself but making that statement implies that I am somehow living my utmost potential but I know I am not living mine, so I don't know who the fuck I am At My Utmost Potential and that is a thing that, the utmost potential is like a motor, you can fine tune a motor to burn better, to work better - notice how It came out 'to burn better' because we have set our lifes to burn like a firewood, like a set of wood that you put in a fire place, we burn ourselves out in this one only life we have, at least that is what I have been doing for the past 12 years, making myself burn and at times trying to rebuild myself. And I am tired of that, that Nero complex, either you burn yourself for good or you don't burn yourself at all - so once I have ruled out suicide the next best is be and become the best that you can be and become the best in you or in this case in me.

Try it, unconditional writing I will call it, what I did here - It is awesome, smart, best thing to do. I love when actors improvise in movies, last movie I watched Once Upon A Time In Hollywood talks a bit about this moment when an actor really gives it his all and that Is what I am trying to do here, give it my all. You might notice I am here and there but the trend line here is: Be you unconditionally, and if you don't know what this You is, I can only tell you my story and you will do what you want, you might not want to hear what I have to say, and it's fine, you will hear what you need to hear maybe you need consequence like I did - oh yes I was a hard one, by hard one I mean I didn't take the recipe and do it as told by Desteni for a lot of years and it has only bringed problems, so maybe what you need is like me, problems to solve, until one day you wake up and you are 29 and life is like a train you are about to miss and you talk some action and walk some action. It may be 29 like me or 24 or 38 it doesn't matter - or 54 - You have and I have plenity of time to correct myself to bring out my true self through writing blogs for example, but don't write it for other people, and here I have to bring up Joe Kou, he has mastered what I am trying to do here, he expresses unconditionally or I think it is what he does, we had a few talks and he helped me tremendously to choose my path in life to where I know now I want to help others, yet I know I first have to help myself and he helped me tremendously. To finish: Do what you want to do, don't wait, because tomorrow might be late because tomorrow never arrives only Here exists, Here Breathing, are you Here? Or sleeping? And I might sound phony but to the risk of it Do what you want within the principle of what is Best for All. And this includes You, doing the best for you, like here I am writing this unconditional writing I am testing it and it is certainly working as things from my mind come through and are typed in this laptop, hp laptop that is grey to tell you hey life is what you make of it, so make the best of it. Because I have seen that I have been doing it wrong for a long time, with simply letting go and free flowing was the answer, it was here all along, I have been Here all along only distracted by my Mind and what I am doing about it to not be a puppet of my mind is work on myself, I set that I had to write a blog evey day, so I do it to the best of my ability, some days I cannot write, so I don't, but most days I can but I let it slide, then I have to ask myself why do I let it slide? But that is for another blog - I don't do it because I don't let myself free-flow, I don't write unconditionally and that is what I am doing here at the moment because I love you --- It was in my mind to say that last phrase, and that is something I am wondering I don't believe for a moment that free flowing is writing all that comes to mind but more being in the edge, where you dont wait for words or phrases to pop up but you are writting so you are one step ahead of your mind, more working with the mind not letting the mind do the work and waiting for 'inspiration' inspire and expire, breathe, and write whatever comes comes

Thank you

Day 148: Why I Didin't Want To Do DIP

First of all I will start with what is DIP? From their website "Desteni I Process is a life coaching platform where you'll learn essential life skills and practice simple common-sense tools such as self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application. Based on years of research & practice, developed with attention to detail, proven by hundreds of people and delivered to you comfortably through the web."

I started this a bunch of years back maybe I was already doing it in 2010 I don't remember well and it is basically the plataform to 'get my ass in gear' that I have not done thoroughly or at all for some years but that I went back to every time. Why I didn't want to do DIP? I wanted to have an excuse, to remain self dishonest, to not have to face myself, to not have to change. In my life I have found not facing myself came along with facing much consequence such as being bipolar now, having to manage that. I am not saying had I remaied disciplined I would not have become bipolar but it happened. In my life I said the statement of no matter what comes up to me, let it be so that I become self honest. In a way saying that consequence had to first materialise before I start my process, I have seen it is not necessary to wait for external consequence to start your process properly. So the consequence I had to face in a way prevented me to do DIP or distracted me from it - I had wanted consequence to happen, oh, so it happened. Now I am walking again DIP and found I was having difficulty with it, resistance thus why I am writing this blog to find out what it is. All the years that have passed I have not advanced much in the course, and I judge myself for it - for not being more directive, for not being more steadfast also Bernard told me to speed up to be able to do mind constructs, not even that worked - I see I have to put myself to do it for myself and disregard anything of the past that holds me down. Regret for example, of not having attained much in a lot of years -- but time doesn't stop for me - or anyone so there is only but to walk. I don't want to paint a pretty picture here, it is not, mine is but a cautionary tale that either I face myself or I face myself differently with more consequence. At this point Bernard died, my father had also died, and I have only myself to either walk this or walk this differently, with even more consequence. And this is what I am tired of, walking manifested consequence with for example having had to stay in the mental hospital for more than one and a half months because of consuming drugs made me essentially 'go crazy'. Why I didn't want to do DIP: Because if I change I have to stop doing drugs for example, porn, I have to become self honest. And I wasn't even doing drugs back then. The mind is the drug, that I so cherished and didn't want to correct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not do DIP to not have to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not do DIP

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for consequence before I move myself to do DIP

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to remain dishonest thus why not do DIP

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not do DIP to have an excuse why I did not change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe any excuse is valid as to why not change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not do DIP to be able to be able to remain addicted to the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not do DIP to be able to claim I am not ready for change

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to do DIP properly to have an excuse as to why I did not change and to be able to remain dishonest

Day 147: Choose Your Future

At the moment I have a bit of inner conflict because choosing my future is difficult, to study, not to study - I have chosen to study a two year degree that will allow me to have a better job than waiting tables and then go from there. I think the strategy is good yet it conflicts with other goals that will have to be delayed

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that the future does not yet exist

I forgive myself that  I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about a thing that doesn't exist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my future

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realise and understand that I can own it when it comes to my future

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I create my future in every moment

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I accumulate in every moment creating my future

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself that I can create a good future for myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that my future is nothing to fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I can change plans at any point and that nothing is set in stone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myslef to not see, realise and understand that maybe I can not go straight to one goal but have to take a longer path of first getting another goal done to be able to achieve the first one

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I don't have a 'cristal ball' to be able to see the future so I can't possibly know how it all will unfold, and it is ok

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I have choosen my future according to where I am now, meaning I might change plans along the way if conditions change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand it is ok to want a better future for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry too much about my future

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that it is ok to not have a certain 100% assured future as the only certainty is death.

Day 146: The Time is Always Right

The time is always right to become better, more, become someone I would want to be.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that the time is always right to become better, to better myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that everything is possible.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to use my time to better myself as much as I could.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that all time is right when I have free time -- to better myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I am always on the right moment to better myself whenever I have time.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to believe in myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I can do much more by changing the mindset from 'having time' for things to 'making time' for thingsl

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see the potential I have in every moment to support myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I depend on me solely to do what I decide to do.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I can make time for everything I want to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put excuses to not do what I decide to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to decide to do stuff and then not do it as much as I commited myself to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'collapse' and do nothing whenever I have many things that I decided to do to get done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand the practicality of doing one thing at a time, one breath at a time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I can manage time effectively.

Day 145: Drugs And Consequence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel excited about using drugs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to use drugs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to risk having an imbalance by using drugs.

I forgive myself  that I have accepted and allowed myself to use drugs 'to have fun'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate drugs with fun.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to underestimate the power of drugs on my system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard any self alarms when it comes to using drugs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care if I go to the mental hospital or not when using drugs.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the big risk that is taking drugs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard the inner voice that told me to not do drugs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care about myself when using drugs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately do drugs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the timeloop of doing drugs and having to go to the mental hospital.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do drugs even if it 'feels right' to do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if it feels right I can do drugs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like doing drugs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I can do drugs without consequence.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that doing drugs for me is not possible, I have much to lose.

Day 144: Short Path Long Path

Today is my second day out after about a month and a half inside the mental hospital, I see I am having a playout of bipolar becoming more extreme, this time having to do with using drugs, something I see I can't risk anymore. Basically I have walked a long path of consequence - whereas I could have avoided it and work more on myself instead had I taken a short path of not using drugs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use drugs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the long path of consequence by using drugs and having to be in the mental hospital.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take a long path when I could thave avoided it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having taken the long path instead of a shorter one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify doing drugs with the thought that I can afford going to the mental hospital.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to risk losing my job by taking drugs and having to go to the mental hospital

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is cool to go to the mental hospital.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play with fire by taking drugs.

I forgive mysef that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is ok to take drugs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to experience the positive side of bipolar.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I can sustain the positive side of bipolar, not seeing realising and understanding that it is not sustainable and even less if drugs are in the mix.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  miss the positive side of bipolar.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take extra care of myself when I was on the positive side of bipolar.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to sustain the positive energy of the positive side of bipolar.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to do many things when I was on the positive side of bipolar, instead of using common sense and see that I have time.

Day 143: Fuck Off - But Not Really

Fuck off, if you don't want to change the world. Or maybe you need to not want to change the world in order to change it? Let me explain. We go through phases in our lives, sometimes we do not feel confident enough that we can change the world but first need to prove to ourselves that we can change ourselves. So do not fuck off if you really do not feel you can change the world, but know this, you can start with changing yourself - and then change the world through your example of change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that unless I change myself there is slim possibility that I change the world or that the world changes or who knows, maybe the world changes even if I don't change - but know this - none is free until All are Free - so I have to make sure everyone is free before I can be free.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that none are free until All are free.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I might want to change the world but there might be people that are not yet there and maybe never will.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that I have to understand them that don't want to change the world, but who can change the world? We can only start with ourselves.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that in order to change the world I have to first change myself. Or is it?

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I don't really know what it takes to change the world, but that I will not wait for anything, not even 'have changed myself' to do ALL that I can to change the world - if it is starting with myself I will do so, but  maybe I can do something else along the line.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that I can do much more than I know I can to change the world.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that maybe I cannot do much more but I can do a bit more to change the world.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take it easy on myself - but only as easy as I know I cannot do more - but then I expand myself to be able to do more.

Day 142: Incredible People All Around You

There is incredible people all around you: Everyone. From everyone, and I should put that in capital letters but I do not want to shout, Everyone. You can learn from even those that try to manipulate you because ultimately it is you that allow them to manipulate you if they do - so then you know for example that you had an open door for manipulators - and so you close it, to never again allow yourself to allow yourself to be manipulated. Nothing ever is done TO YOU you allow it to happen to you -- I won't go into the extreme of if you are raped, no, if you are raped probably it wasn't because you allowed it, such things do exist, but everyday things that are not of such violence, you allow them to happen to you.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise I have teachers all around me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I can learn from everybody.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I cannot judge anyone based on the past, because they were That in the past, but I don't know if they are this Here now.

So I cannot judge myself as lazy only because I was lazy in the past, no, in every moment I decide who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as lazy because I was lazy in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that who I am is not who I was in the past.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I am who I decide I am in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I can correct and change in a single moment, and that I don't need the past to define me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I am not defined by the past.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I am not a procrastinator only because I ever procrastinated - but that I needed to procrastinate myself to see what I do not want to ever do again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate in the past.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I can decide in every moment to never again procrastinate.

Such is the power of change - Everyone can change in a single moment. We make mistakes to learn from ourselves - and then we change to our best version of ourselves. That is the ultimate lesson. And there might be more. I don't know everything but that I know.

Day 141: 'The Family' and the B side

Last month I painted an acrylic on canvas artwork for a friend, the artwork I called it 'The Family' and I said to my friend that I would paint a B side artwork at the back of the canvas - so he only shows it to a few selected people although there are no rules really.

Let's say that the artwork 'La Familia' 'The Family' becomes famous worldwide, even more famous than Leonardo da Vinci's 'Mona Lisa', let's say everyone with use of reason knows of and has seen the artwork - everyone except you. Would you like to see the B Face of the artwork as well? The artwork that supposedly I have painted at the back of the arwork? Because you know there is something at the back but you have never seen it.

Let's say it differently. Say no one has seen the B face of the artwork in the entire universe, only the creator, myself, knows what is behind 'La Familia' but I die one day - Would you like to be the only person in the entire universe to then see the B face of 'La Familia'? Remember it is the most known artwork in the universe, and only you get to know what is or isn't behind it! And what would you do after seeing the B face, would you THEN feel special?

What is more valuable, the 'Mona Lisa' or 'La Familia'? Can we really compare? No we can't - comparing is useless - it was different times, different people with different skills. Do I want 'La Familia to become worldwide famous? It is not in my hands - the people decide that. But know this: Both 'La Familia' and the 'Mona Lisa' are irrelevant in this reality. You give it relevance. You put value where you want. I suggest you put value on Life, as each is Life in essence. Everyone has a value of 1, and 1+1 = 2, the equality equation.

Let me explain you the equality equation differently. Let's say all the population on Earth currently does at the same time win the Euromillions lottery ten thousand times over. What would each do with this money? We cannot out buy eachother because we would all have the same ridicule amount of money! So each would have a value of 1 then. And we would not buy and sell 'eachother' or have power plays but we would help eachother to reach common as well as individual goals. Where does your freedom stop? Where another's freedom start. Do no harm. Do what is Best for All.

But let's say for a moment that with the ridiculous amount of money we each have from winning the Euromillions ten thousand times over, we decide we are bored and want to gamble it, so some start playing poker with their money. It will arrive a situation where most will lose and only some will win. That is what happened with this reality, only that we have to 'reset the game' and give back to everyone equally. And never ever allow inequality to run this rampant - i.e. famine, wars and so on.

Day 140: Programmed Nature

Sometimes I forget, if ever I am aware, that I am like a computer, programmed by myself to where I am what I am today - either actively or by acceptance and allowance. If I don't like it I can change it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget about my preprogrammed nature.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget to run the mind anti-virus as self forgiveness, self honesty and practical application.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if there is anything I don't like about myself, I can change it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become a lesser version than the best version of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I have the power to change myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not work towards becoming the best version of myself as much as I can.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that outer change starts with inner change.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to not use as much as I can the tools for self-change as in self honesty, self forgiveness and practical application.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the simplicity of the need that I change.

Whenever I see that I believe I cannot change, I stop and I breathe. I realize I have programmed myself into who I am now, so I can change it the same.

Day 139: A Part Of Something

Today I was at work wondering about this, I am a part of something. I am a living, breathing human being, a part of 'organised living' I live in a body that has automated things, it is pretty clear I am a part of something, yet, it is fascinating how much I have not seen I am part of something, like I feel like I am 'apart' and this shouldn't be the case. We are all the same, we all breathe, eat, shit and die the same. Let's not forget it. We are all in this together.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am separate from everyone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I am a part of something and not separate.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I am living in separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the fact that I didn't see myself as part of 'something' means that somewhere I have separated myself from this something, this whole.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I am not separate from everyone else.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I am in fact one with everyone else.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that even if I forget I am part of something, it doesn't mean I am not a part of that something.

I commit myself to remind myself that we are in this all together.

I commit myself to remind myself that I am not separate from everyone else.

I commit myself to remind myself that I am in fact equal to everyone else.

Whever I see that I am 'feeling' like I am separate from everyone else, I stop and I breathe. I realize I am the same as all others as breath, so there is no possible separation.

I commit myself to remind myself that I am One and Equal as Life.

Day 138: Breath by Breath at Work

Sometimes life can be too much, then what I do is, can I handle the next movement, the next breath? For example at work when it becomes repetitive doing the same things day after day, if I slow down and focus on what I have to do next it becomes easier to do. For example, can I take this chair and put it in its place? Then I do it and it is not so bad this repetitive work - I work as a waiter - but this can be applied to anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make things bigger than they are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I can do whatever it is I have to do if I focus on breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be here as breathe whenever I am at work, making it more than what it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see the simplicity of doing things breath by breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that it is not important what I do but who I am within what I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I can change the way I experience myself at work by focusing on breathing and what comes next.

Whenever I see that I make things more than they are within my mind, I stop and I breathe. I realize it is not what I am doing that matters but who I am within what I do. Thus I commit myself to remind myself to breathe whenever I am at work and focus on what I am doing in the moment.

I commit myself to remind myself that in my mind thing may seem bigger than what they really are.

I commit myself to remain grounded whenver I see I am making things bigger than they are in my mind.

I commit myself to remind myself that it is important to remain here as breath to not make things bigger than they are in my mind.

Day 137: Value in Self-Support

When I get paid, suddenly I become more directive, is that so? For example, at work I do whatever it needs to be done but then when I am at home and decide to do something for myself all kinds of excuses open up and/or I allow myself to procrastinate. If I got paid for blogging, for studying, for supporting myself with Desteni I Process - would it be different then? 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become brainwashed to only act if I am getting paid in money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to behave differently whether what I am getting paid for what I am doing.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the value of the things I do outside of work - thus not putting in the work needed to get it done.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to value what I do outside of work for what it is.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see value in self-support.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that self-support is valuable, even maybe more than regular money-earning work.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to act consistently even when I am not getting paid in money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value more money than self-support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see the value when there is no money involved in things.

I forgive myself that I have acccpted and allowed myself to only see value in money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that self support is even more valuable than money.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that no matter how much money I have, if I do not support myself in other ways there is no point in having money.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the balance that exists within having to have money and supporting myself - where I do have to have money and at the same time support myself with things that won't give me money immediately or at all.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that the same self-will that I apply at work for money I can apply at home for self-support.

Day 136: Complainers

Change what you don't like or don't complain. Complaining is pointless because either you can change something, and then you do change it, or you can't and then what is the point in complaining on something you cannot change? But maybe complaining is useful to see where we have accepted and allowed ourselves to participate in things that we do not necessarily enjoy. For example I can complain about my job, or I can do something about it. If I catch myself complaining about my job, I see I have to do something about it. It is that simple. Maybe it is changing jobs what I have to do or simply change my relationship to the job.

I forgive mysef that I have accepted and allowed myself to complain.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that if I complain it means that I have to do something about the thing I am complaining about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that complaining is like a red flag that signals where I am not being honest with myself with regards to something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I will not achieve anything by simply complaining.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I am where I am due to my own doing, and thus complaining will do nothing to change that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I can change my reality given that I have put myself where I am at the moment thus I can change it.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that it does not mean that change will be easy but only that change is possible if there is self-will to change.

Whenever I see that I complain about something, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize and understand that unless I change - if changeable - the thing I complain about then there is no point in complaining- Thus I commit myself to change that which I have ever complained about.

Day 135: Putting Myself First

Today I am satisfied about myself because I have directed things that needed direction in order to put myself first, taking care of getting my driving license, directing also the situation at home where I have had to say to someone that could no longer live at our place, which is not an easy thing to do.

It is important to put self first because if I do not support myself, I cannot rely on someone else to do the caring for me - it doesn't work that way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not put myself first.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the practicality of putting myself first.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that first I have to 'save myself' before I can even think of 'saving someone else' if that is even possible.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that I do not have to apologise for putting myself first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am bad for putting myself first.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that ultimately if I put myself first I will be more empowered thus be able to help others.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that in fact putting myslef first is not egotistic but necessary in order to be able to help others.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that it is not being a 'bad person' putting self first, but something necessary to be able to be empowered to help others.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that unless I empower myself first I wont be able to ever help anyone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to help others before I have even helped myself.

Day 134: The Saviour Complex

It's been already two times in this month that I have housed homeless people at my place, and the first time it didn't work because the person was mentally ill and the second one it is someone that is not really trying to get out of it meaning actively looking for work for example, so I will have to let this second individual go too. But the question is what is the starting point of helping people in this way?

If I look inside myself it is because I would want for someone to do this to me too if I ever need it, I hope that if I help someone this someone will at some point in the future help me out too. But this is not doing things unconditionally, meaning if I do help an individual I should not expect anything in return. And looking at my situation currently I am not in the position to be able to 'rescue' anyone as I barely am surviving myself.

Enough is enough.

I see that I have done this in fear that myself I will be in a bad position in the future, instead of preparing myself for the future I try to help someone else in hope that they or someone else will help me if I am in this bad position, this because next year I will be studying and working and I don't know if I will be able to do both, so maybe I end up having to leave my job for the studies and then I would have a gap where I might have less money -- but the solution is not 'saving' anyone but making sure that I have my future well prepared, so starting with putting myself first.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to put myself first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to help others in the hope that they will help me in the future, instead of making sure my future is solid, well prepared for myself by myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will have housing issues in the future and instead of making sure I will not have them, want to help others so other will help me in the future, wich does not add up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have fear of the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have fear of the future instead of preparing myself for the future.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I have to prepare my own future and no one will be there to save my ass, not even if I 'saved someone else's ass' apparently.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that helping out someone that does not help themselves is not really helping them but supporting their self dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I help someone else now someone else will help me in the future, which is simply not true.

I commit myself to strenghten myself so that I don't need help in the future.

I commit myself to put myself first.

I commit myself to support myself so that I am able to support myself at all times.

Day 133: Taking care of things

Recently I had to take care of something where I had to take various steps in order to start to solve it. Had I not taken these steps I would have been anxious but because I did all I could to solve the problem, and now I only had to wait, I was very calm within it all.

And this point of calmness is interesting, because it is within directing points, taking care of things than one can sit back and for a moment access this calmness in knowing that 'I have done all that I could to solve this problem'. And this is what I see is cool about taking care of things/directing problems, that if I do it then I can be calm and relaxed because there is nothing more I can do but keep doing what is needed to be done for the problem to be solved.

And this goes with all in life, when facing a problem I can either despair about it or take the steps necessary to solve it - thus accessing this calmness or peace.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to direct all my problems into resolutions so that I can live in calmness.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that indeed the solution is 'stop thinking and end your problems' as stated by Lao Tzu.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I can indeed live in calmness by directing all and every problem I face.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I can direct all the inner and outer problems the same.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give myself the opportunity to live calmness by directing my problems.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to end my problems so that I can live in calmness and also direct the outer problems as the world problems as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I am indeed capable of stopping all that bothers me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that if anything is bothering me it means it only requires direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose to not direct my problems thus allowing myself to live in anxiety instead of calmness.

Day 132: Going back to basics

I have not directed myself to write as of late and I am changing this from today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simply not write blogs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the days pass without writing a blog.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in into not writing blogs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not write despite having the time to do so.


At work they are trying that I accept bad conditions and I will not, I will stand up for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear repercussions from not accepting bad conditions at work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not be able to keep the job if I stand up for myself and my rights.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that if the job I am currently working at will not give me my basic rights, I don't want to have anything to do with them as I will be better off somewhere else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to stand up for my rights.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the fear of not having a job interfere with me voicing myself.

Fear of the future

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not be able to provide for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I am able to do so much even if I don't realise it.

Day 131: A Way Out of Mediocrity

If there was a way out of mediocrity, would you take it? I am not saying All of me is mediocre, but yeah some aspects do need improvement.

So I found a way out. Now only need to walk it. Feet fail me not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to install myself in mediocrity - as it is apparently a safe place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in mediocrity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in mediocrity in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hard on myself because of my failures.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am my failures.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I am more than my failures.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I can learn from failures instead of reacting negatively to them.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that failures are merely showing me how not to do things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to keep being mediocre so I don't have to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am safe in mediocrity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that mediocrity is merely a symptom of how I am doing things.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that if I do things differently I can get out of mediocrity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that every breath is a new opportunity for change.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I create myself in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that each day is a new day.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself that I have many opportunities to break free from mediocrity, but I have to hold on to them/walk them.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give myself the opportunity to break free from mediocrity.

I commit myself to give myself the opportunity to break free from mediocrity.

Day 130: So Much To Do

What if I stop loop-cylcing, repeating mistakes, falling for addictions and repeating harmful behaviours? New, exciting things come up. What if I instead of all this mentioned before, I direct myself into and for a purpose in my life? So exciting, new ways to have fun open up, new projects, a new vision of life and instead of Limitation I change the words I am living into Expansion, Change, Creativity, Investment, Passion, Drive.

So much to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I have so much to do outside of my limitations.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that in reality I have so much to do and say in this world.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give myself purpose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have something done, when in fact this is only the beginning of self-creation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I have so much to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take things one by one, step by step.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have to do many things at once.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I can only do so much as what I can accomplish in one breath.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I will have to work on myself regardless on where I am as there is so much to do

I forgive myself that I have that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I have not accepted and allowed myself to embrace myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I can't arrive to a solution in a few days but have to remind myself of the process to walk - namely 7 years journey to life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that unless I write a blog often enough I will delay a lot to reach the 7 year journey to life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I have to discipline myelf to do what really matters.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I am here.